Pestering Rabbis

I was listening to a shiur in which the lecturer proudly enumerated all the gedolim he had gone to visit in Eretz Yisrael when he was there with his son for his son's becoming a bar mitzva.  It was a list of at least ten people which included :

 

R' Landau

R' Berel Povorsky

the Pinsk-Karlin Rebbe

R' Yaakov Meir Shechter

R' Yitzchok Scheiner

R' Gamliel Rabinowitz

R' Meir Soloveitchik

the Belzer Rebbe

R' Aron Leib Shteinman

 

and he said he even paid someone to "get him in" to see a certain gadol. 

 

Now it's a mitzvah to see one's Torah teacher on a Yom Tov, and any time one needs advice or to discuss things, but to go to random rabbis, i.e. these are not your Torah teachers, and to make them into "tourist attractions," is disturbing.  Disturbing to me hearing about it and certainly disturbing to the rabbis being visited.  Why does he think it's okay to take away from their time in order to meet with him?

 

Oddly enough, later in the talk he referred to being a nudnik who bothered them.  But that didn't stop him from getting those brachos he wanted.  I picture a scorecard with the names of a variety of gedolim on it and a box to check off if a bracha was successfully elicited.

 

What a contrast to the hero of the book I wrote about here in which he seeks out actual relationships with great people and does so by seeing what he can do for them.

 

 

 

 

21

THINK

Think before you speak:

T - is it true?

H - is it helpful?

I - is it inspiring?

N - is it necessary?

K - is it kind?

 

Would we still have what to say if we reviewed these questions before we spoke?

 

How about if instead of "inspiring" for the letter "I" we had "informative?"

Message from Zlata Press

Long ago, I read in the now defunct Horizons magazine, an article called "Our Core Belief," by Zlata Press, principal of a girls high school. I no longer have the issue but here are some points I jotted down from it about what Mrs. Press called, "the single most powerful lesson I've ever given."

 

She says high school performance has zero value in predicting accomplishment and success in adult life.

Not only can weak students can become wonderful wives and mothers and/or rich businesswomen.

That of course, but more -

Weak students have flowered into successful performers in the academic world!

She asks, what accounts for the dramatic turnaround? She says, sometimes sheer will and hard work.

Often, taking four college or sem classes instead of ten a term in high school.

Some need time to mature.

Others need to develop work habits.

College offers promise of a successful adult career which is motivating.

For some, the change occurs when they enter high school.

For others, the senior year.

For many, years later.

What to do about those who are miserable now?

She says, parents ask us to push less, expect less, but experience says this is not a good idea.

And interpersonal strengths, talent are not adequate replacements (despite those who extol school performances for that reason).

She says: It is our challenge as mechanchim to create the environment that is most conducive to children learning, of realistic but challenging expectations.

 

In a follow-up article, the author adds that those who are good students need to know that an entire area of adult life – family and community – have nothing to do with academic success!

The 99 on the chemistry quiz won’t help you to be an understanding, flexible, wise wife or a patient, creative, and dedicated mother.

Lots of food for thought both for the academically successful high school student and the unsuccessful.

Is to Admire to Imitate?

Long ago, I jotted down this question.  Can you admire someone but not seek to be like them? Is that contradictory or can you say, I admire that, but it's not for me?

I initially thought that this is not contradictory.  That you can admire someone for something admirable they do or for an attitude they have, but not feel that this compels you to emulate them.  What they do is good for them, not necessarily for me.

I have thought that I live (or try to live) in consonance with what I believe is right, but I have come across the idea that living with integrity would mean that if I admire someone for some reason, if I think they are doing the right thing, then I would try to imitate them.  So it's time to rethink this.

Ask Not What Your Job Can Do for You

I came across this line which I like, "You need to work where you add the most value."

 

People pursue careers or lines of work for various reasons.  Money, of course, is a major factor.  Then there is the location and how much travel time will be needed, what the hours are, what the work environment is like, what the benefits are, and what you like.

 

The Chovos HaLevavos says work in a field you are drawn to and are good at (see here).

 

This line that I like adds another perspective.  Rather than, or in addition to, seeing which profession is good for me, I should see where I can make the best contribution.  I daresay that often or usually, this is synonymous with a field I am good at.

Not My Identity

A man came out of Russia after having suffered greatly there for being a frum Jew.  Yet, he did not look the way you would have expected him to look.

There was an air of serenity about him, and someone asked him to explain it, considering the life he had led.

His answer was, "Mir darf zein hecher foon dem" - we need to be above it.

We had a discussion about this, with someone posing the question - what does this mean?

I said it means not becoming defined by your hardships.

Thinking about Thoughts

Someone brought the following question to my attention:

Where is the first time that we see thoughts associated with the brain or head?

We are so used to thinking of thoughts originating in the mind that we don't give it a second thought (ha), but in Tanach, thought is not associated with the brain but with the heart.  In this week's parsha, the term "chacham lev" is used.  The famous work, the Chovos Ha'Levavos is not about obligatory feelings but about what we should be thinking about!

What about in the secular world - when did thoughts become associated with the brain?

We Think We Know

The mother of one of the Columbine high school killers has lived with grief and shame since the massacre. 

“I think we like to believe that our love and our understanding is protective, and that ‘If anything were wrong with my kids, I would know.’ But I didn’t know, and it’s very hard to live with that,” she said.

“I felt that I was a good mom ... That he would, he could talk to me about anything,” she continued. “Part of the shock of this was that learning that what I believed and how I lived and how I parented was an invention in my own mind. That it was a completely different world that he was living in.”

***

Now that's a sobering thought.  How many parents think they know but are so way off base?

 

Different Approaches to Emuna

In a shiur by R' Doniel Katz, he says:

"Emuna is feeling Hashem as a reality and this informs my actions, it's stronger than my fear or ego.

It's not dependent on how much Torah you learn or how many mitzvos you keep.

An ignoramus can, in certain situations, deeply connect to G-d.

Emuna is not something taught; it has to be revealed.

It is not something external but something inherent within us that needs to be awakened. It wells up in us like sap in a tree.

It says Mordechai was 'omein es Hadasa,' the word for raising her is omein. Emuna is something developed, nurtured, drawn out."

All this made me think of those who are working on "teaching emuna" with proofs that G-d exists and the divinity of Torah.

We are "maaminim bnei maaminim" - believers, children of believers.  That needs to be the acknowledged starting point.

A Modest Proposal

A few weeks ago there was an article and a follow-up letter in Mishpacha by a kollel wife in which she explains how she supports her husband's learning.  Among the details, she writes that she pays for full-time childcare since she is out of the house ten hours a day.  Without skipping a beat she goes on to write about other expenses and how she manages.

One second! Ten hours a day out of the house?

How long are her children awake and what part of that time is spent with their mother? She's not talking about school aged children who are not with their mothers because they are old enough to attend school for many hours of the day.

There are frum couples who are don't have children of their own, and even those who do, who would love to adopt and raise Jewish, healthy children not their own.  Perhaps this couple, and all those who live a similar lifestyle, should consider giving their children to a woman who will actually mother them, to someone who is not a paid employee (as wonderful and loving as those employees might be).  A formal adoption will free the birth parents from the expenses and difficulties in raising their children and will enable the woman to work and the husband to learn in peace, while providing their children with a normal home.

A Parent's Influence

In a passionate talk given by R' Meisels, he tells the story of someone who contacted him to learn with him.  By now, this man he calls Barry, has learned through half of Shas, puts on tefillin daily, keeps Shabbos most of the time and kosher most of the time.

R' Meisels believes that to become frum nowadays is so outlandish that it can only happen with zechus avos and he usually finds out what it is.

In this case, this successful attorney Barry told him what happened.  He was raised by communist-atheist parents who observed nothing, not Yom Kippur, not a Pesach seder.  When he went to college, he met a girl he liked.  When he told his parents about her, his mother said, that's not a Jewish name!Barry said, she isn't Jewish.

His mother said, you're not marrying a shiksa! He said, what's that? She explained and he said, who cares? We don't do anything Jewish anyway.  His mother insisted it was out of the question.  He thought she'd come around and he married the girl.  His father attended the wedding and his mother did not.

He thought she'd come around when he produced grandchildren.  When he had his first, he sent a picture of her to his mother.  What grandma wouldn't melt? She sent it back to him torn up.

She did not answer the phone in her house.  It was the days before caller ID and she did not want to pick up if her son called.  He only spoke to her husband.

There was a simcha which they both attended and he heard someone say to his mother, "Marilyn, Barry is here!" She said, "He had better not say hello!"

They resumed contact when he divorced his wife twenty years later.

And this, R' Meisels thinks, is what made an impact on Barry so now he is taking an interest in Judaism.

I wonder what would have happened if the father would have been united with the mother on this and also did not attend the wedding and refused to speak to his son.  Would Barry have married the girl? Would he have divorced sooner?

Self-Contradictory Views

I've noticed the following.  People want it both ways.  They will say that children grow up just the same whether they have a stay-at-home mother or are babysat.  The very same people will say that the mother or grandmother are best for the baby.

So which is it?

They seem to realize that under normal conditions, the mother or close relative are best for the baby.  At the same time, they don't want to concede that children at babysitters are at a disadvantage!

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is "the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, performs an action that is contradictory to one or more beliefs, ideas or values, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values."  But they don't see they are espousing contradictory views!

You Deserve It!

Three ads in frum publications:

"Every patient deserves a masterpiece" - cosmetic dentistry to improve your smile

"Because you deserve it" - a wig

"Every girl deserves a shadchan who cares" - shadchanim for girls ages 23-30

***
Each of these ads rubs me wrong, even the shadchan ad.

It's Just Too Hard

R' Daniel Gross spoke in Yiddish at the Keiravtuni Shabbaton.  He said he saw a bunch of guys hanging out, drop-outs.
 

One of them said, it's a pity I was born a Jew.

If I was born a goy I would have only 7 mitzvos.  Taryag mitzvos are a pressure for me, I always have a guilty conscience.

A goy gets olam haba for doing his seven.

***
So it's not the kid did not believe. He believed and wanted olam haba, but felt it was just too hard.  A friend of mine thinks this comes from "affluenza," which includes the idea that life should be easy.

R' Gross presented the issue to chassidishe bachurim, of why be a yid, what's good about it.  The best answer they could come up with was olam haba.  They viewed Torah and mitzvos as an ol (burden), and saw the point as just olam haba.

It's a great essay topic to assign 12th graders.  Describe the scene, repeat what the guy said about it being a shame he was born a Jew and why, and ask them to write their response.

 

Thoughts About Remaining Anonymous

I know there are people who feel strongly opposed to anonymous letters to the editor.  Someone recently wrote a letter to Mishpacha magazine complaining about anonymous letters containing personal opinions and criticism (as opposed to understanding unsigned letters about personal matters) letters and putting forth these reasons:

1) It is unfair to the target of the criticism
2) It is difficult to take anonymous views seriously
3) They seem to avoid charges of hypocrisy as though the authors express one view to their community and another, anonymous view to the public
4) Anonymous rebukes and criticism lack authority and sincerity and are of little value.

Are you convinced? I am not. 

1) Why is it unfair? Is the criticism valid or not? Why does a name attached to it affect its validity?
2) Why is it difficult? You are welcome to skip those letters but again, if the content has validity what difference does it make?
3) And let's say the author has a view for the community and a public view, how does that affect you the reader?
4) If you think those letters are worthless, don't read them! As for me, I think, “kabel es haemes mimi sheomro” (Rambam, intro to Shmone Perakim) - accept the truth from the one who says it.

In short, I do not see the logical imperative in the declaration: unsigned letters have little value.  And anyone can make up a name so the letter looks signed. This complainer would reject all letters signed by people with common names: Schwartz, Cohen, Goldberg, even if those are truly their names!

As for me, my letters to the editor are usually, but not always signed.  This blog is not signed!