Little Things Add Up

I enlarged the photo in this recent post about health here so the words "Why small choices make a big difference" would be clear.  Life is made up of small choices.  Every moment, whether we think about it or not, is a choice.  I am doing this; I could be doing that. 

There was an article by Leiby Burnham, who regularly writes for Binah magazine, which drove home the point of the importance of small decisions.  He described panicking when his street flooded.  He called a neighbor, the type who always knows what to do, and the neighbor came out with a long pole with a metal claw on the end.  He poked around with it while explaining that the sewer covers have holes that get stuffed with leaves.  When he pulled out the leaves, the water quickly drained away. 

Burnham noted that the clog that flooded his street was made up of small twigs and a few clumps of grass which were easily removed.  The removal of the blockage took two minutes.  Contemplating this he realized this is a good metaphor for life.  "It is usually not the big things that make the most dramatic changes in our life, but the little things.  The big things can be disruptive, but it is the little things that make the man."

He goes on to say that marriages are not made and broken by the big things, the big gifts or the angry scene.  They are made up of the daily little interactions, the greetings, the expressions of gratitude, the helping out.  And they are broken by the little things, the repeated actions and words that bother the other spouse.

He quotes a famous marriage counselor as telling him, "Divorces are almost never about the big things; they are always about the little things."  He goes on to clarify, that these little things accumulate and "clog" the relationship and eventually "flood" the marriage with resentment.

He says that at work the same principle applies.  "It is not the person who can pull impressive spreadsheets, give great presentations or the amount of overtime hours put in.  Rather, it is the person with the can-do attitude who responds with a simple 'yes' to as many requests as possible."

Of course he mentions health as well, the point emphasized in the book I reviewed in the post mentioned above.  "Good health doesn't come from big surgeries and expensive procedures" but from eating right, moving a lot, and sleeping enough and well, all on a regular basis.

I like the way he concludes on a spiritual note with the Rambam that says it is much better to give small amounts to tzedaka many times than the same amount one time, because by doing a mitzvah over and over again, we change ourselves for the better and become giving people.  Writing one check does not have that impact.

It is our frequent tefillos, our thinking of Hashem constantly, always looking for the hashgacha pratis and thanking Hashem, our constant mitzvos that add up.

"It may seem small, but those little twigs and leaves will soon gather together and change our entire lives, flooding us with a greater sensitivity in our observance in both mitzvos between us and Hashem and between us and our fellow Jews.  Sweat the small stuff."

As the Rambam also says, we need to see ourselves and the world in equal balance and just one deed can tip the scales.

Mentchlichkeit

-Someone spends many hours preparing for a shiur and delivers it.  He finds out that someone else heard his shiur and delivered it without crediting him and is hurt. 

-Someone spends many hours preparing for a shiur and as soon as he gives it, he puts it up online so that others can use it for their own audiences.  He is happy to enable others to benefit from his work.

-Someone writes a poem.  Someone else submits it to a contest under their own name.

-Someone pays an architect a lot of money to design a house.  A wealthy person, who is building a house two houses over, calls and asks whether they can use the blueprints to build the identical house.  This is without offering to pay anything.  The person gives them the blueprints while thinking it was quite a chutzpa to have asked for it gratis.

-Someone buys a stunning accessory to wear with her dress.  A relative asks her where she bought it and she tells her.  The relative buys the identical accessory and they both regularly show up at the same simchas wearing the same thing.

-A kalla find a beautiful outfit, a sample piece, and has it customized to her specifications.  Someone in her circle sees it and copies it and shows it up wearing it, just like her.

-A person bakes delicious cookies and is asked for the recipe.  She declines to give it because if she does, then she won't be the only who knows how to make these cookies.  They are her specialty.

-A woman shows up at a wedding wearing the same gown as one of the wedding party and a member of the wedding party tells her, in no uncertain terms, to go home and change.

-A creative person designs unique shalach manos and others copy it.

-A new minyan is started that siphons off people from an existing shul.

-There is a shiur that takes place which is well attended.  Someone in the neighborhood decides to start another shiur and this takes away people from the first shiur.

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When do you say, "zeh neheneh, v'zeh lo choser" (this one benefits and the other one does not lose out)?

How should copying clothes, decorations, etc. be regarded - as complimentary or a chutzpa?

When does geneivas daas apply? Must everything be credited to the originator?

There are halachos of hasagas gevul - of not being allowed to encroach by, for example, opening an identical type of store in an area which cannot support them both.  From what I've learned, this generally does not apply to Torah, though perhaps it depends on the circumstances.

In some of these cases, there may not be an outright right or wrong, but perhaps that is where the mitzvah "You shall do that which is right and proper (haYashar v'haTov)" [Devorim 6:18] comes in.

***
This is something to think about when we are the person who is being asked for something or copied, and it is something to think about when we want to ask for something or copy someone else.  Be forewarned, people have strong feelings on this subject!

Anger Elimination, not Management

On the one hand, the Gemara equates anger to worshipping idols. On the other hand, the "world out there" says you have to express your anger, in "healthy" ways of course.

So what's a Jew to do?

I find that this is yet another example of how secular values infiltrate our world and influence us to the point that many people don't even know what's what anymore.

I've read and heard frum people talk about expressing anger, or actually teaching your children to express their anger in healthy ways like punching a pillow. I once read a list of ten or so suggestions as to how to express anger positively (run around the block, scream into your pillow etc.).

What people don't understand is that expressing anger makes you angrier! When the Torah expects us not to be angry, it's not that the Torah wants us to repress our angry feelings, but not to have them altogether!

The issue is not how to express the anger, but how to get rid of it! The concept of "managing" your anger does not exist in Torah sources, not in halacha, not in mussar. For good reason too. Since anger is equated with idol worship, we obviously cannot be "managing" our worship of idols! Anger is not supposed to be expressed or suppressed. It's supposed to be eliminated. Sad that frum publications, speakers, and therapists have adopted the secular, anti-Torah approach to anger.

The term “manage” does not convey the need to stay exceedingly far away from anger because it's an evil midda, as Rambam says to do. When you manage something, you're not getting rid of it.

Rather than manage our anger, we need articles, speakers and therapists to help us prevent angry feelings from arising by telling us about hashgacha pratis, and that whatever or whoever "made us" angry, is a shaliach of Hashem, and so any anger is actually anger towards Hashem ch'v. This thought puts things in perspective and calms us down. We need to hear inspirational stories and thoughts about people who responded calmly and did not feel anger in volatile situation.

The Ramban in his famous letter advises us, “Accustom yourself to speak gently to all people at all times and this will save you from anger, a most serious character flaw which causes one to sin.”