Disciplined Thinking

Someone presented the following situation.  She had married off her first child and due to an oversight, they had not given a bracha to an uncle. 

After the chuppa, her mother told her that the uncle was upset and he and his wife were leaving.  Of course, the baalas simcha was mortified to hear about this and she apologized and begged the uncle to stay.  Naturally, this shterred (disturbed) the simcha.

Her question was, what should she have done? *

The answer given by the speaker was, the Satan intervenes at holy and special times and we cannot allow it.  What she should have done was determined that she was not going to deal with this situation at the wedding; she would deal with it the next day.  The wedding is a time for simcha and gratitude!

I liked this answer because it did not dismiss the situation.  Rather, it gave it its due but at the right time, tomorrow, not today.  We often get caught up in the issue of the moment, feeling outraged/sorry/defensive etc. but we need the discipline to assign the matter its due time.  Shabbos, for example, is not the time.  A simcha is not the time. 

An added bonus, and no small thing, is that by dealing with it later, we will be able to approach it much more calmly and handle it better than in the moment.

* Obviously, I am appalled that someone 1) would be so zealous about his honor and would 2) shter someone's simcha over it, but what the uncle should have done is not the question here.

It's Inherently Contradictory

"I have a disease.  It is called Compulsive Overeating.  I do not have the ability to control food choices or portion size.  This is the way Hashem made me."

That is a quote from a letter to the editor of a frum publication.  The author goes on to say that he joined OA and since then he has maintained a 150 pound weight loss.

After reading contradictory statements like these time and again, I can't help but wonder.  Is it possible that I am the only one who notices that he is not making any sense? He just said he has a G-d inflicted disease in which he lacks the ability to control food choices or portion size.  In the next breath he extols an organization that he joined which has helped him control food choices and portion sizes.  Nobody comes to his home and monitors his food intake.  There are no cameras recording all his eating.  No penalties if he makes the wrong choices.

What happens is, he decides to control is food intake.  So does he have a disease or not? Can he control himself or not?

Aren't the answers obvious? I.e. He acquired terrible eating habits and is working to overcome them.  That is commendable.  I don't see why they have to falsify the facts.  Why the need for the disease lie? Why the need for an illogical claim of lack of control when those who "work the steps" are controlling themselves?

He concludes the letter by saying, "There is a solution.  It is not surgical.  It is not in taking supplements.  It is not counting points.  It is not by tricking your body into burning its own fat.  Rather, the solution is Overeaters Anonymous."

Why not this alternate conclusion: There is a solution.  It is neither surgical nor does it involve supplements nor counting points nor tricking your body.  It's about free will and acknowledging that as a human being we have free choice and can exercise this power.  For ain davar ha'omed bifnei ha'ratzon - nothing stands in the way of one's will, as the author has shown.

Jumping the Line

The scene (as related by Dr. Wikler to whom this happened): A long line in a take-out store erev Shabbos. 

A woman comes in and says, "I am double parked and need two chickens etc." She ignores the line of people and expects to be served. 

The person behind the counter was not sure how to proceed (you may ask, why didn't he simply tell her to get on line, I don't know, maybe she was a frequent customer he didn't want to alienate, maybe her manner was intimidating).  He asked the person he was serving whether he minded if he took her first.  The person said okay.  The other people on line were not asked whether they minded even though each one should have been asked before the woman was served.

Question: If you were on line, what would you have done? Kept quiet but seethed? Loudly told the woman to get on line like everyone else? Loudly tell the counter man that there's a line and first come is first served? Loudly say: Everyone on line must be asked whether they mind if she goes ahead?

I found it interesting when someone said to me: The way we treat others is the way G-d treats us.  How would we want G-d to treat us?

I understood this to mean that we also make unreasonable requests of G-d and are rude sometimes.  Do we want Him to be forgiving or to take a hard line with us?

Another point the person made was something to the effect of - if the person is asking, and it's important to them, why be a stickler? It's not our job to teach others.  Why not accede to their request?

Just Say Yes

Lately, in lectures and articles, it has become prevalent for frum speakers and writers to reassure their audience that saying "no" to a chesed can also be a sign of strength.  After all, most of grew up hearing about those who went out of their way to do the mitzvos of hachnosas orchim and other chasadim, so when we don't feel up to doing a favor we feel guilty.  The new age frum speaker and writer is here to remedy that.  Just say no.  After all, they maintain, if you say yes when you want to say no, you will do the chesed with resentment.

Well, a lone voice is countering what they consider an anti-Torah view.  This person maintains that we need to be less selfish, less self-absorbed.  We need to view those calls for assistance as opportunities, not as a burden.  Just say no because otherwise we'll do the chesed resentfully?! How about saying yes and working on correcting our middos? How about feeling sorry if we really cannot help out? If you cannot have someone for a meal, rather than just saying no, how about helping them find another host?

What would have happened if Rivka Imeinu would have said no when Eliezer asked her for water.  What if she figured: He's an able-bodied man.  I'm a little girl.  He has other men with him.  They can manage on their own.  What am I, their servant? They're not going to take advantage of me!

There seems to be a disconnect between what we learn in Torah and the stories of old and today's new perspective.