I've noticed the following. People want it both ways. They will say that children grow up just the same whether they have a stay-at-home mother or are babysat. The very same people will say that the mother or grandmother are best for the baby.
So which is it?
They seem to realize that under normal conditions, the mother or close relative are best for the baby. At the same time, they don't want to concede that children at babysitters are at a disadvantage!
In psychology, cognitive dissonance is "the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, performs an action that is contradictory to one or more beliefs, ideas or values, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values." But they don't see they are espousing contradictory views!
Showing posts with label stay-at-home mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stay-at-home mother. Show all posts
Jan 19, 2016
Nov 26, 2014
Then and Now 2
continued from previous post
When the frum world talks about the tremendous changes in our society, technology is usually the focus. And cell phones and the Internet have certainly drastically changed our lives. But the shift in life at home is not often discussed. It is deemed too sensitive a subject. Working mothers will feel bad.
And yet, the reality hasn't changed from R' Weiss' description back in 2000 of unavailable mothers. The yiras shomayim and emotional well-being of children being raised in frum homes today haven't improved since 2000. As someone who attends Lakewood yeshiva said, there is an off the derech child in most homes in Lakewood. Is this true? An exaggeration? I can't tell you. But even if it's not accurate, it's prevalent enough to seem that way.
There was an impressive article a while ago in Mishpacha in which a woman related that she and her husband decided that one of them will always be available to their children. It's a priority for them and they do what it takes to make it work. Most people can't or won't live this way.
The word that is commonly used to describe today's mother is "juggling." They juggle home and work and community commitments. It is hard to see how we can go back to women's primary focus being the home, but then I read an article (Binah Jan. 2014) about a courageous woman who did just that.
Financial security was important to her since she was a child. She worked as a preschool teacher and supported the family. Then her family grew and her husband left kollel to open a photography business. It was a hard field to break into but between her steady income and his occasional jobs, they managed. Financially.
But she faced the reality that although she was a superb teacher, she was a mediocre mother since she did not have the energy for own children after taking care of other people's children. She just did the basics but no longer sang with them, read them books, or did craft projects with them.
This bothered her and she thought of quitting her job. But she knew they needed her paycheck and could not manage on what her husband earned. She asked other preschool teachers how they managed and found that some had more energy than she did, some had different parenting goals, and some confessed that they also felt guilty.
She ultimately decided to quit. She knew they could always hire another teacher but her children had just one mother. It was tremendously scary for her to let go of the financial security of her job but she was convinced she was doing the right thing.
One week before school started, her husband received a terrific job offer from one of the most prestigious photographers in town with a salary that equaled their previous combined income.
It seems to illustrate the principle ( Gemara Makos 10b), ‘B’derech sh’adam rotzeh leilech buh, molichin oso’; the path that a person chooses to follow they bring him (and allow him) to go down that road.
The word that is commonly used to describe today's mother is "juggling." They juggle home and work and community commitments. It is hard to see how we can go back to women's primary focus being the home, but then I read an article (Binah Jan. 2014) about a courageous woman who did just that.
Financial security was important to her since she was a child. She worked as a preschool teacher and supported the family. Then her family grew and her husband left kollel to open a photography business. It was a hard field to break into but between her steady income and his occasional jobs, they managed. Financially.
But she faced the reality that although she was a superb teacher, she was a mediocre mother since she did not have the energy for own children after taking care of other people's children. She just did the basics but no longer sang with them, read them books, or did craft projects with them.
This bothered her and she thought of quitting her job. But she knew they needed her paycheck and could not manage on what her husband earned. She asked other preschool teachers how they managed and found that some had more energy than she did, some had different parenting goals, and some confessed that they also felt guilty.
She ultimately decided to quit. She knew they could always hire another teacher but her children had just one mother. It was tremendously scary for her to let go of the financial security of her job but she was convinced she was doing the right thing.
One week before school started, her husband received a terrific job offer from one of the most prestigious photographers in town with a salary that equaled their previous combined income.
It seems to illustrate the principle ( Gemara Makos 10b), ‘B’derech sh’adam rotzeh leilech buh, molichin oso’; the path that a person chooses to follow they bring him (and allow him) to go down that road.
Nov 25, 2014
Then and Now
R' M.M. Weiss, a rav in Staten Island and teacher at Machon BY seminary, wrote an article in the year 2000 discussing why he thought the previous fifteen years (1985-2000) saw an unprecedented crisis among frum youth.
When he started teaching in 1985, he said that 80% of the mothers of the girls he taught were full-time homemakers. In 2000, he says, it's the other way around, with 80% of mothers working full time.
He understands that some have no choice, that was always the case. Whether for valid reasons or not (that was not the issue here), he was observing that parents, particularly mothers, are not available for their children as they used to be, not physically available (like not being home when their children come home from school, or even when home, not having time for their children), and not emotionally available because of having to juggle so many responsibilities.
When he started teaching in 1985, he said that 80% of the mothers of the girls he taught were full-time homemakers. In 2000, he says, it's the other way around, with 80% of mothers working full time.
He understands that some have no choice, that was always the case. Whether for valid reasons or not (that was not the issue here), he was observing that parents, particularly mothers, are not available for their children as they used to be, not physically available (like not being home when their children come home from school, or even when home, not having time for their children), and not emotionally available because of having to juggle so many responsibilities.
****
Recently, Hamodia magazine presented the following numbers to compare a young family in Brooklyn in the 1970's versus 2014:
Salary for a professional in the 1970's: $15,000
Median starting salary for professional in 2014: $45,000
Rent for a two bedroom apartment in the 1970's: $200 a month
Average rent for a two bedroom apartment in 2014: $2000 a month
Tuition in the 1970's: $125 a month for one child
Average tuition in 2014: $425 a month for one child
Rent+Tuition in 1970 = approximately 25% of income
Rent+Tuition in 2014 = approximately 65% of income
to be continued
Aug 22, 2014
Daycare Postscript
One of Rebbetzin Feige's daughters, a working mother, wrote an article about the ins and outs of daycare and concluded by reassuring parents that their children will turn out fine despite being sent to daycare. She wrote that her parents traveled for speaking engagements and she turned out just fine.
Someone wrote a letter to the editor asking whether mother and daughter disagreed on this topic. The daughter responded and said she wasn't actually in daycare. When her parents were away, which was not on a daily basis, she was under the care of a dear family friend who was like a surrogate grandmother.
She said, "My mother has counseled scores of women who, as a result of being a breadwinner, have no energy for homemaking and mothering and are struggling to be functioning wives. I can personally attest to the struggle and strain caused by attempting to simultaneously balance one's career and motherhood. None of us [Rebbetzin Twerski or her daughter] believes that sending your children to daycare will turn them into dysfunctional adults, but it is inarguable that children who are raised by other people, in conjunction with a mother who is distracted, barely there, and stressed out, are likely to reflect those limitations.
"My mother's article was about the ideal and mine was an exploration of the daycare system for when the ideal is not an option."
***
I wonder how "likely to reflect those limitations" manifests. She and her mother don't think the daycare kids will become dysfunctional adults, but ... but what? Something is "inarguable" but she does not spell it out. What limitations will these children have and why is she afraid to spell it out? Also, living in Israel, the daughter is in a society where daycare is considered the norm. Children are sent to the metapelet and to the ma'on from infancy and then to gan. Raising your own children is not considered the ideal.
Someone wrote a letter to the editor asking whether mother and daughter disagreed on this topic. The daughter responded and said she wasn't actually in daycare. When her parents were away, which was not on a daily basis, she was under the care of a dear family friend who was like a surrogate grandmother.
She said, "My mother has counseled scores of women who, as a result of being a breadwinner, have no energy for homemaking and mothering and are struggling to be functioning wives. I can personally attest to the struggle and strain caused by attempting to simultaneously balance one's career and motherhood. None of us [Rebbetzin Twerski or her daughter] believes that sending your children to daycare will turn them into dysfunctional adults, but it is inarguable that children who are raised by other people, in conjunction with a mother who is distracted, barely there, and stressed out, are likely to reflect those limitations.
"My mother's article was about the ideal and mine was an exploration of the daycare system for when the ideal is not an option."
***
I wonder how "likely to reflect those limitations" manifests. She and her mother don't think the daycare kids will become dysfunctional adults, but ... but what? Something is "inarguable" but she does not spell it out. What limitations will these children have and why is she afraid to spell it out? Also, living in Israel, the daughter is in a society where daycare is considered the norm. Children are sent to the metapelet and to the ma'on from infancy and then to gan. Raising your own children is not considered the ideal.
Aug 21, 2014
More from Rebbetzin Feige
In the previous post, Rebbetzin Feige Twerski quoted roshei yeshiva about the importance of chinuch taking place at home, and mothers and extended family raising children. In a more recent article from last month, I was pleasantly surprised to see her begin her weekly column in Ami with:
"My daughters know that I am a big advocate of mothers staying home and personally raising their children."
Rebbetzin Twerski is a rebbetzin, a public speaker, a writer, a counselor, all in addition to her being the mother of 11 children and numerous grandchildren. When someone as bright and accomplished as she advocates mothers raising their children, it makes an impact.
Of her seven daughters, not all of them are homemakers, she says. She describes one of her daughters as multi-talented and exceedingly bright who stays at home to raise her children with great mesirus nefesh. She doesn't describe what the mesirus nefesh entails. I assume financial gain as well as the forgoing the utilization of her brains and talents in more challenging ways than changing diapers, toilet training, cooking meals and running her home. Many women feel that hired help can do the work just as well if not better.
"My daughters know that I am a big advocate of mothers staying home and personally raising their children."
Rebbetzin Twerski is a rebbetzin, a public speaker, a writer, a counselor, all in addition to her being the mother of 11 children and numerous grandchildren. When someone as bright and accomplished as she advocates mothers raising their children, it makes an impact.
Of her seven daughters, not all of them are homemakers, she says. She describes one of her daughters as multi-talented and exceedingly bright who stays at home to raise her children with great mesirus nefesh. She doesn't describe what the mesirus nefesh entails. I assume financial gain as well as the forgoing the utilization of her brains and talents in more challenging ways than changing diapers, toilet training, cooking meals and running her home. Many women feel that hired help can do the work just as well if not better.
Aug 20, 2014
The Reason for Yeridas Ha'Doros
In the Pesach 2014 issue of Binah, Rebbetzin Feige Twerski writes:
"At a Torah Umesorah convention some years ago, R' Aharon Feldman, rosh yeshiva of Ner Israel, observed that children of our generation are not of the same caliber as those of his generation. The reason for that, he asserted, is that children today are not being raised by their mothers. They are, for the most part, consigned to a variety of daycare situations. He quickly added that economic reasons necessitated this phenomenon that has affected the quality of offspring who, by right, should be in the loving environment provided by parents, grandparents, and extended family."
She goes on to say that in an address to mechanchim, R' Hutner spoke about Rabbi Yehoshua ben Gamla who instituted formal education. Up until that time, Torah was transmitted directly from father to son while daughters learned from their mothers. It came to a point where many children were uneducated which is why R' Yehoshua instituted a yeshiva system where children were taught outside the home.
R' Hutner pointed out that although R' Yehoshua is praised in the Gemara for doing what he did and he saved the day, it was nonetheless a tragedy for Klal Yisrael. Why? Because ideally the Torah, "the art of living should flow from the same source as physical life. The same parents who brought the children into the world, the parents, should be the ones who provide the Torah path in life."
R' Hutner gave an analogy to a country where, because the air was polluted, all babies had to be put in incubators if they were to survive. This is not the ideal situation, of course, but if children can't breathe the natural air, we have to be grateful for incubators.
"Relegating our children to others to educate, shape, and form them is akin to placing them in incubators. This is not the ideal, but we have no choice. The Gemara praises R' Yehoshua ben Gamla. Given the change in times, his was a heroic act."
Rebbetzin Twerski pointed out that Hashem puts us in a situation for the good, and the point is not to pine for yesteryear. It's to acknowledge the reality of our situation and figure out how best to deal with it.
May 1, 2011
Wanted: Mothers!
I read of a study in which researchers attached electrodes to the heads of 16 sleeping newborns within the first 24 hours after birth. They found that when other women (doctors, nurses) spoke, the section of the brain that controls voice recognition fired up. It took the sound of the mother's voice to trigger neurons in the part of the brain responsible for learning language.
I thought - since so many mothers have relinquished caring for their own children and give them to babysitters and daycare centers from infancy, maybe this study explains the explosion in keria and reading problems I've been reading about.
Then I read a letter to the editor of a frum publication which gives professional backing to my thesis. A woman wrote in response to a chinuch article and said that the author of the article suggests that a mother help her child overcome "auditory processing deficit" by keeping a running conversation with him as they shop together (naming fruits, vegetables, and groceries) and as they walk along the street (naming stores and what they sell).
The letter writer says:
"Sounds wonderful but most young children today are not being raised by their mothers. Many mothers are working or are otherwise busy, and many young children are in a play group from a very young age. When do they have time simply to walk along the streets with their children and name trees, stores, and car colors?
"A renowned special-ed professional once told me that the number of children with these deficits mushroomed when mothers were forced to go to work, whether to support Torah learning, pay tuition, or make mortgage payments, and that if mothers returned to their primary task of raising children, most special-education teachers would eventually be unemployed.
"The 'quality time' theory doesn't take into account the fact that the woman a mother hires to watch her young child for most of his or her waking hours will not spend time engaged in meaningful conversation with the child. The current situation, in which most of our young children do not benefit from their mothers helping them acquire language-processing skills, is a hidden crisis that might also be a significant factor in the burgeoning kids-at-risk phenomenon.
"Rabbanim, Roshei Yeshiva, Rebbes: Please unite and help rectify this 'gezeira'!"
I rest my case.
Nov 15, 2009
Where are the Mommies?
Towards the end of your article you list many topics that need to be discussed. Seems to me there's a glaring omission. I am wondering whether you, and we in the frum world, are brave enough to discuss our children and various problems but are afraid to address one of the major issues that affects them.
Back in the 60's and 70's we did not have a crisis with our youth. Yes, there were children who went off, but I think - correct me if I'm wrong, that by and large, frum parents raised frum children who remained frum, many even becoming frumer than their parents.
I can't give you the precise figures, but back in the 60's and 70's, most frum, American mommies were home raising their family. [I remember Rabbi Moshe Meir Weiss saying that he did a poll among his seminary students. Perhaps you could ask him the precise results but I seem to remember it was something like 80% of mothers were home and 20% at work at one point and then the reverse, 80% at work and 20% at home at a later point!]
Some worked in family businesses or other jobs but most mommies were home when their children came home from school. Back in the 60’s and 70’s, mommies did not drop off infants at babysitters. They didn’t drop off toddlers at daycare centers. Some children (gasp) were home till age 3. When a 2 and a half year old went to a playgroup, it was for a few hours, not 8-2, 3 or 4 or beyond.
When a 3 and 4 year old went to school, it was for a few hours a day. As recently as the early 90’s, a 4 year old’s day in school was from 9:30-2:30 – 5 hours. How many programs will you find for a 4 year old these days with such short hours these days?
Rabbi Manis Mandel a’h believed little children should be home with their mothers and he resisted having a preschool for a long time until, inevitably, Y.O.B. opened one.
Mommies are told that babies need to socialize, that they are depriving their toddlers of stimulation if they don’t send them out. Mommies of two year olds are asked by other mommies where they’re sending their toddlers to playgroup and are looked at askance if they have no intentions of sending them anywhere. Mommies who want to get together with other mommies and their children don’t have many options since most people have bought into the daycare system. Mommies are told they have a life too and if they’re happier sending their toddlers out, that’s good for the toddler. These and other lies are rarely, if ever, addressed in our frum circles.
I think we need to discuss what messages we are giving our daughters. That they have to pick a career (preferably one they can get either online or through some frum, accelerated program) so they can either support their husbands or help pay tuition while others raise their children? Should we expect our children to grow up emotionally stable and bonded with their parents if they are being raised by others from infanthood? Should we be surprised when children abandon the religiosity of their parents and express resentment, hurt, and grievances about them when they never fully bonded with them? Should we expect our children to give us nachas when lectures, workshops, articles and books for the frum oilem regurgitate current psychological ideas on parenting which are not Torah-based? Psychology was called avoda zara decades ago. Has it gotten any better since then or do we now have more and frum therapists espousing secular ideas to us?
I think that without addressing the hot topics of mother’s role and what a real yiddishe mama is all about, discussing whether girls in school are being groomed to be yiddishe mamas or working women, and where psychology is leading (or misleading) us, you are missing crucial components in this discussion.
Nov 8, 2009
To be a Yiddishe Mama (part 3)
6-The woman said that she has bitachon. How about if Bubby suggested that she and her husband learn Shaar Ha’Bitachon in Chovos Ha’Levavos together or that he learn it and other Bitachon-related material on his own or with a chavrusa. It’s available in English, Yiddish, Hebrew on tape, online by so many writers and speakers. County Yossi is a publication for frum people and I expect to read guidance that sounds like it’s coming from a frum person and not out of a secular publication.
7-At the very least, Bubby should have presented a balanced choice of options rather than urge the woman to go to work without even knowing all the details of her life. The woman made it clear that she wants to be home with her children and yet Bubby did nothing to validate this normal, G-d given feeling and commend her for her devotion in a day and age when so many mothers put themselves before their children; she undermined it instead.
8-Where is the suggestion that the couple go to their rav to present their views. The rav could have been the one to tell the husband that he has no right to browbeat her into leaving home and working. In the Eishes Chayil of Mishlei it doesn’t say that she left her children at the babysitter, that her children were raised by Juanita, and that her children got a glimpse of her in the morning as they were rushed out to their daycare center and school (sick or not) and in the evening when she came in exhausted and uptight and couldn’t wait to get them into bed.
The rav could have been the one to tell him that his bitachon is sorely lacking and that, as the Chovos Ha’Levavos explains, your hishtadlus (efforts) have nothing to do with the outcome. Hashem designates what you will earn on Rosh Hashana and you have to make some effort in a job that appeals to you and that you are suited for, but the job is not what brings in the money. Hashem sends the money.
A rav could have helped them examine their lifestyle and see what could be trimmed from their budget so he’s not a nervous wreck and she doesn’t have to abandon her children and home. Is the husband willing to cut things out or is the truth of the matter that he wants his wife to support their upper middle class habits that are unbefitting for a man of his income? A rav could tell the husband how to cherish a wife who wants to raise their children and to consider himself a rich man “who is happy with his lot.”
***
Tragically, we have a generation today of lebedige yesomim (living orphans), children with parents who are barely being raised by their parents. This is wreaking havoc on our families and the repercussions extend far into the future.
7-At the very least, Bubby should have presented a balanced choice of options rather than urge the woman to go to work without even knowing all the details of her life. The woman made it clear that she wants to be home with her children and yet Bubby did nothing to validate this normal, G-d given feeling and commend her for her devotion in a day and age when so many mothers put themselves before their children; she undermined it instead.
8-Where is the suggestion that the couple go to their rav to present their views. The rav could have been the one to tell the husband that he has no right to browbeat her into leaving home and working. In the Eishes Chayil of Mishlei it doesn’t say that she left her children at the babysitter, that her children were raised by Juanita, and that her children got a glimpse of her in the morning as they were rushed out to their daycare center and school (sick or not) and in the evening when she came in exhausted and uptight and couldn’t wait to get them into bed.
The rav could have been the one to tell him that his bitachon is sorely lacking and that, as the Chovos Ha’Levavos explains, your hishtadlus (efforts) have nothing to do with the outcome. Hashem designates what you will earn on Rosh Hashana and you have to make some effort in a job that appeals to you and that you are suited for, but the job is not what brings in the money. Hashem sends the money.
A rav could have helped them examine their lifestyle and see what could be trimmed from their budget so he’s not a nervous wreck and she doesn’t have to abandon her children and home. Is the husband willing to cut things out or is the truth of the matter that he wants his wife to support their upper middle class habits that are unbefitting for a man of his income? A rav could tell the husband how to cherish a wife who wants to raise their children and to consider himself a rich man “who is happy with his lot.”
***
Tragically, we have a generation today of lebedige yesomim (living orphans), children with parents who are barely being raised by their parents. This is wreaking havoc on our families and the repercussions extend far into the future.
To be a Yiddishe Mama (part 2)
3-Bubby promotes the feminist agenda when she says, “Children are very resilient and so long as their needs are being met and they are loved and safe, they are happy.” Who on earth is she kidding?
Children are resilient, yes, and they will adjust if given no choice, yes, but at what cost to them? I bet Bubby would advocate letting the children cry when abandoned at school because hey, within days or a week or so they’ll get over it. Sure they will, because they have given up on Mommy. How healthy is that? Not!
“So long as their needs are being met” – oh, so the underpaid morah or babysitter really loves the kids in her care like her own? Unlikely!
4-More feminist garbage, “Hired help cannot replace you .. you are and will always be their most important person. However hiring someone who comes highly qualified and who can provide your children with a warm and loving environment is most definitely a desirable option.” Bubby tries to have it both ways, saying that hired help can’t replace Mommy but then saying replacement is a desirable option. Why does Bubby think the mother will remain the most important person to them if they don’t see her for most of their waking hours in their formative years?
5-Bubby tries to entice the mother by saying, hey, you never know, you may like being out of the house. Sounds to me like the nachash talking … Then there’s even more feminist junk when Bubby says that Mommy might discover an outlet she never knew she needed. Bubby uses every means at her disposal to get Mommy out of the house, telling her how accomplished she will feel (really, as though all working people are feeling oh-so-accomplished by the end of the day and wouldn’t give up their jobs if you paid them, yeah right) and playing on Mommy’s emotions when she says how great it will feel to help pay the bills (we have no idea whether Mommy will be earning more than a saleslady or secretary and whether it will cover the babysitter, cleaning help now that she’s not home, and take-out food) and alleviate her husband’s burden.
In fact, according to Bubby, Mommy would be a loser and a creep if she didn’t work even if hubbie didn’t bully her into doing so. What a loser, she doesn’t want the stimulation of working with adults and what a creep for not wanting to help her husband.
Children are resilient, yes, and they will adjust if given no choice, yes, but at what cost to them? I bet Bubby would advocate letting the children cry when abandoned at school because hey, within days or a week or so they’ll get over it. Sure they will, because they have given up on Mommy. How healthy is that? Not!
“So long as their needs are being met” – oh, so the underpaid morah or babysitter really loves the kids in her care like her own? Unlikely!
4-More feminist garbage, “Hired help cannot replace you .. you are and will always be their most important person. However hiring someone who comes highly qualified and who can provide your children with a warm and loving environment is most definitely a desirable option.” Bubby tries to have it both ways, saying that hired help can’t replace Mommy but then saying replacement is a desirable option. Why does Bubby think the mother will remain the most important person to them if they don’t see her for most of their waking hours in their formative years?
5-Bubby tries to entice the mother by saying, hey, you never know, you may like being out of the house. Sounds to me like the nachash talking … Then there’s even more feminist junk when Bubby says that Mommy might discover an outlet she never knew she needed. Bubby uses every means at her disposal to get Mommy out of the house, telling her how accomplished she will feel (really, as though all working people are feeling oh-so-accomplished by the end of the day and wouldn’t give up their jobs if you paid them, yeah right) and playing on Mommy’s emotions when she says how great it will feel to help pay the bills (we have no idea whether Mommy will be earning more than a saleslady or secretary and whether it will cover the babysitter, cleaning help now that she’s not home, and take-out food) and alleviate her husband’s burden.
In fact, according to Bubby, Mommy would be a loser and a creep if she didn’t work even if hubbie didn’t bully her into doing so. What a loser, she doesn’t want the stimulation of working with adults and what a creep for not wanting to help her husband.
To be a Yiddishe Mama (part 1)
In the November ’09 issue of Country Yossi Magazine, in the "Dear Bubby" column, Bubby advises a woman who wants to stay home with her children and who has bitachon about her future, to accede to her husband’s wishes and get a job to ease their financial burden. I found Bubby’s response reprehensible for a number of reasons, as follows:
1-In response to the mother asking whether her husband is right for urging her to leave their children and go to work, Bubby offers the trendy morally relative response, “in situations such as these, there is no right or wrong … there is never one absolute correct method … both husband and wife need to do what they feel is best.”
The correct response is the husband is wrong. Flat out wrong because when he got married he gave his wife a contract called a kesuba in which he says that he will provide. I remember listening to a shiur by Rabbi Y. Zweig of Florida who said his grandfather gave his grandmother money for the expenses of the week, the same amount each week, and she never knew whether business was good or bad because he didn’t tell her. That wasn’t her concern. Her home and children were her concern.
Now this could have been diplomatically presented by Bubby who could have said that unfortunately, due to the husband’s feeling frustrated and worried he is saying things that are inappropriate. He is not permitted to “constantly pressure” her to find a job fast.
2-Why wasn’t it even suggested that the couple examine their lifestyle and expenses and see whether cutting down and out would be a tremendous help.
Perhaps the wife can be guided to respond to her husband, “Dear husband, I understand that you are worried but I have faith that all will be well. Let us examine our expenses and see where we can cut down. Since raising our children is my top priority and is in their best interest, I am willing to cut out …”
And let them see what they can eliminate, whether it’s no eating out, no buying take-out or prepared food, shopping for the children at the end of the season, not replenishing her wardrobe but making do with what she has, his not buying a suit and hat that often, eliminating cell phones or getting a much more limited plan, getting rid of their car if he can use public transportation to get to work, getting rid of other gadgetry that costs them money, staying home in the summer, no vacations if they can’t afford it etc. Many things that are taken for granted today are luxuries and unnecessary. Better to sacrifice the toys and perks than the kids!
And perhaps, if she is home, they can eliminate some tuition by not sending their children to school before the age of 4. Just because it has become the norm to send babies out to school doesn’t mean all have to follow that trend.
Why wasn’t it even suggested that they closely examine what income she would be bringing in if she got a job and how much that income would cost them in babysitting, household help and buying take-out? Why wasn’t it even suggested that she could bring in money by working at home or part-time?
1-In response to the mother asking whether her husband is right for urging her to leave their children and go to work, Bubby offers the trendy morally relative response, “in situations such as these, there is no right or wrong … there is never one absolute correct method … both husband and wife need to do what they feel is best.”
The correct response is the husband is wrong. Flat out wrong because when he got married he gave his wife a contract called a kesuba in which he says that he will provide. I remember listening to a shiur by Rabbi Y. Zweig of Florida who said his grandfather gave his grandmother money for the expenses of the week, the same amount each week, and she never knew whether business was good or bad because he didn’t tell her. That wasn’t her concern. Her home and children were her concern.
Now this could have been diplomatically presented by Bubby who could have said that unfortunately, due to the husband’s feeling frustrated and worried he is saying things that are inappropriate. He is not permitted to “constantly pressure” her to find a job fast.
2-Why wasn’t it even suggested that the couple examine their lifestyle and expenses and see whether cutting down and out would be a tremendous help.
Perhaps the wife can be guided to respond to her husband, “Dear husband, I understand that you are worried but I have faith that all will be well. Let us examine our expenses and see where we can cut down. Since raising our children is my top priority and is in their best interest, I am willing to cut out …”
And let them see what they can eliminate, whether it’s no eating out, no buying take-out or prepared food, shopping for the children at the end of the season, not replenishing her wardrobe but making do with what she has, his not buying a suit and hat that often, eliminating cell phones or getting a much more limited plan, getting rid of their car if he can use public transportation to get to work, getting rid of other gadgetry that costs them money, staying home in the summer, no vacations if they can’t afford it etc. Many things that are taken for granted today are luxuries and unnecessary. Better to sacrifice the toys and perks than the kids!
And perhaps, if she is home, they can eliminate some tuition by not sending their children to school before the age of 4. Just because it has become the norm to send babies out to school doesn’t mean all have to follow that trend.
Why wasn’t it even suggested that they closely examine what income she would be bringing in if she got a job and how much that income would cost them in babysitting, household help and buying take-out? Why wasn’t it even suggested that she could bring in money by working at home or part-time?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
