Everything is Up for Discussion

There was an interesting article by R' Dovid Hofstedter in Mishpacha magazine in which he questions whether the overabundance of negative information we are bombarded with is good for us. 

He brings Torah examples that demonstrate that exposure to negative things has an effect on us, even when those things are mitzvah related (like destroying an ir nidachas or seeing a sota in her disgrace). 

Furthermore, R' Hofstedter says, we become connected to what we see and if we are connected to it, we are disconnected from Hashem.  "Every connection to something extraneous from Torah and mitzvos, even something that is not prohibited, detaches us and disconnects us from Torah and mitzvos, our ultimate connection to Hashem."

It is interesting that Mishpacha printed his article which says "All kinds of topics that in the not-too-distant past were never found in our publications, now not only appear in print but also become conversation points at the Shabbos table and therefore, part of our lives.  They thus attain a measure of de facto acceptability." 

Not only that, but people say how "brave" the publication is for writing about what was formerly taboo! They think that somehow, magically, just by discussing it, we have accomplished something, even if all it amounts to is someone feeling better for having read it.  But what about the negative fallout for bringing it out into the open?
 

Related posts are here and here.
 

THINK

Think before you speak:

T - is it true?

H - is it helpful?

I - is it inspiring?

N - is it necessary?

K - is it kind?

 

Would we still have what to say if we reviewed these questions before we spoke?

 

How about if instead of "inspiring" for the letter "I" we had "informative?"

Down with Yenting

I've reached a point where I am less tolerant of yenting.  I am not talking about lashon hara.  It might even be positive remarks.   But it's about other people.

Note, I say "less tolerant."  That doesn't mean I eschew it altogether.  It means that it often makes me uncomfortable and wanting to change the subject. 

I am all for relating good stories that are inspiring, uplifting, or otherwise edifying, about other people.  I am also in favor of taking an interest in relatives and what they're up to in life.

I am talking more about ... yenting.  What other people said, did, looked like, without much purpose.

Yes, I know, there's the story about the takana made in shul, no more talking (of course, the talking was not during davening but before and after) about mundane matters.  And as a result, nobody knew who needed a job or a shidduch or a place to live.  So they rescinded the takana.  Because repeating information that can help someone is a chesed. 

Maybe it's an idea to think before speaking - is this useful? encouraging? otherwise worthwhile?

Marital Advice from R' Manis Friedman

It's a crazy idea, he says, to think that once a couple is married they can be on their worst behavior because he/she loves you anyway.  No, he says.  Not true.  When you marry someone you have to be on your best behavior for the rest of your life!

There are people who are so nice and respectful for outsiders in their dress and speech, but to their own spouse they're not.  Why is there less respect for your spouse than for the repairman? It's a very mistaken notion, he says.

Marriage means you are going to put yourself into a situation in which you have to be the best you can be every single day.  If you don't get married, you don't have to be that good.

Once you decide you're marrying the person, decide what to tell him/her that will help him love you, not things that will make it hard for him to love you.

Being completely honest is not a good idea because sometimes being honest is cruel and thoughtless and with your spouse, you don't say things that will hurt him/her just because you want to be honest.  Say things that are helpful and supportive of the marriage.

In general, the rule is: the husband is there to make his wife's life easier, he won't do anything to burden her, and the same is true for the wife.  Any bad news, negative stuff, keep it to yourself.  If together you can work on a plan, if you want advice, for something practical, that's one thing; but just to unburden, no.

An example he gave is, R' Friedman's father was held up in his store and he never told his wife! Most husbands would tell.  R' Friedman asks, what is the wife supposed to do if he tells? She'll just worry.  She will suffer with him.  Out of consideration you can withhold information.

Imprinting the Positive

R' Abraham J. Twerski wrote an article called "Speaking about the Unspeakable" in which he says we should talk to our children about drugs.  He asks, "how will our children learn about the evils of drug use if we don’t talk to them about it?" As for those whose children are sheltered he says, "The greatest danger is not being aware that one exists." 

“Li'Shichno sidrishu u’vasa shama” - seek His Presence and come there (Re’eh 12:5). The Ponevezher Rov asked why is it that when the Torah tells us to build a Bais HaMikdash, the location is not clearly stated, i.e. the pasuk never refers to Yerushalayim?

He contrasts this to the Arei Miklat (Cities of Refuge) where the Torah tells us “tachin lecha ha'derech”, and Chazal explain that the roads should have signs at every junction pointing in the direction of the Arei Miklat. The reason for this, he explains, is that the accidental murderer, in his flight to safety, should not need to stop and ask directions because we don’t want everyone to know that a murder took place since it will desensitize the people to murder.  Sins, even unintentional ones, should not be discussed.   On the other hand when a person is going to the Bais HaMikdash we want him to stop everyone along the way to ask for directions to awaken in them the desire to go to the Bais HaMikdash too.

The Chinuch Malchusi says that we learn from here that you should not teach your children through negative examples. Do not point out the wrongdoings and teach them its evils and how they must avoid it. In a sense this will open up their thoughts and teach them all sorts of bad things that they would have surely avoided had they come upon it themselves.

A distinguished mechanech once related that when he was a young boy many years ago (before drugs were a huge problem) in school in the Bronx, they brought in an officer from the Drug Enforcement Agency who brought in many kinds of drugs and gave them a lecture about avoiding each one. This mechanech said that it was very educational to the bulk of his class who ended up on drugs!

Good education means monopolizing the mind with positive lessons, examples, and stories. Just like the questions on the way to the Bais HaMikdash, this attitude will help the children find the Shechina after a longer but very successful journey.

As a community, online or otherwise, we should speak about all the good that Jews do and there is so much good!  It is very demoralizing and a spiritual downer to read and hear, time and again, about sins and crimes that are committed.  Highlight the positive!