Not Doing the Best He Can!

Years ago, when I read the line, "S/he's doing the best s/he can with the tools s/he has," to put a positive spin on a negative situation, I didn't buy it.  Who said he's doing his best? I know I'm not doing my best, so why would I think others are?

I recently read an article by R' Fishel Schachter in which he describes preparing a shiur on a daf of Gemara with a Rashi that contains a lengthy mathematical calculation.  He wanted to avoid it altogether but was forced to tackle it.  He spent days on it until he finally mastered it.

He asks, what if he did not have to prepare the shiur? If he had been learning that Rashi with a chavrusa, he would have read it through superficially and moved on.  His thinking would have been, these mathematical calculations are not for me.  He would have believed that he could never understand it and forget about teaching it to others.

So he asks, what do we mean when we say we can't do something? He answers:

"Perhaps we mean: Given my current level of motivation, I can't.
Or, given the amount of resources and time I am willing to invest in whatever it is, I can't.
Or, given my existing level of emuna as to whether the success at the end will justify the effort, I can't.
Or, I am so concerned with failing that I am not willing to really apply myself properly.
Or, I don't fully understand that for all practical purposes I can't do anything without siyata dishmaya."

He concludes, "Let's stop thinking whether we can or can't.  Let's just engage and wait for help to come from Above.  The next time you hear yourself saying, 'I just can't do it,' take a moment to reflect on what you really mean.  The greatest opportunity of your life may be at hand.  Don't miss the call."

Bechira not Victimhood part 2

I was reminded of this post: here when I came across another remarkable and similar story.  She is a young girl raised by drug addict parents, in environments without electricity and running water.  And yet, she has been singularly focused on getting an education and making better choices than her parents.

Here is the CNN fascinating article and video: here

What's missing is what makes her and her brother different than countless people growing up like her, who choose to follow in their parents' footsteps.  She says,  "If I had not had those experiences, I wouldn't be such a strong-willed or determined person." But I don't believe that! I think her nature is to be strong-willed and determined and therefore, despite her abysmal upbringing, she is focused on making a better future for herself.

Bechira, not Victimhood

I read chunks of a fascinating though creepy book in which the author describes in detail what it was like growing up with drug addicts for parents.  I didn't read the entire book because some of the descriptions of street life and the underworld were too seamy for my sensibilities.  However, it is quite remarkable that with such a turbulent, unstable, poverty-stricken upbringing, the author and her sister have made fine lives for themselves.  The following quotes are taken from interviews that were held with the author:

I grew up with a family surrounding me and a home full of love.  It just so happened that my parents were addicted to cocaine and heroin and my mother was an alcoholic.
I realized my life is a blank slate.  I had the freedom to declare - what do I want my life to be about?
It occurred to me that the answer is education.  I felt invigorated by going back to school.
Nobody knows what's possible until they do it.
Every single day is another chance.
I learned to say - it's unlikely but it's possible, and put all my efforts into possibilities rather than limitations.
I felt deeply loved by my parents.  I don't hold anger towards them.  I saw them as sick.  People can't give you what they don't have. 
I knew I had to be independent.  It was up to me to figure out my life.  I felt no one owes me anything.  I'll have to figure stuff out on my own. I'll have to create what I want in this world.  I was responsible for my life.  No one was going to pave the path for me.  It was normal for me, something I understood instinctually, not a realization that I had.
I was homeless at the same age that my mother was homeless and I wanted to break the cycle of poverty I had come from.  So choice by choice, day by day, I went to school.  Part was choice and part was having the help, the support.
After my mother died, and we loved each other deeply, her dying unlocked my mind to possibility in my own life.  At one moment I had a family, I had my mother and then I lost everything.  Life changed rapidly, for the worse.  I saw that life can change and I was inspired by this. 

What transforms a life? One empowered choice after the next, over time.
I had a passion that I felt of - what if I just kept going?

You either move on or you don't and I decided to move on.

Let go of being stuck in the energy of all the things you don't have, and be grateful for the things you do have and calling that enough, and moving forward from there.

In the frum world we have children, teenagers, young adults and even older adults who need to hear messages like these.  Even if their circumstances were not quite like those of this author, the message of bechira rather than victimhood is powerful.  The downside is that this author doesn't speak about G-d; it's all about her choices.

It would be enormously helpful if we had the frum version of this woman's story, the story of a contemporary frum boy or girl who overcame adversity to become solid people with firm Torah values.

No matter what your history is, no matter where you've come from, every moment is a new possibility.

An Elul message indeed.

Breakthroughs, Spiritual and Otherwise

I was reading about runners breaking records, with the most famous example being Roger Bannister who was the first to run a mile in under four minutes.  I find it fascinating because 1) experts considered it impossible 2) some even thought it would be dangerous to attempt it.  And then, he did it and 3) others did it too!

This reminded me of the story about Rabbi Yosef Karo, author of the Shulchan Aruch, who encountered a very difficult passage in his Torah study.  After working on it for a long time, he finally unraveled its meaning.  How dismayed he was when he heard an ordinary man learning the same passage, encountering the same difficulty, and easily coming up with the same answer that had taken him so much effort to discover.  This made him question his own abilities if it was so hard for him, yet so easy for the ordinary person.

It was then revealed to him from heaven that nobody had comprehended that point before.  It was only because he had worked so hard that he had opened a channel of wisdom in which this passage was illuminated.  This made the wisdom accessible to others.

The same thing is said about mesiras nefesh.  If a person were to say, if Hashem spoke to me and told me to bring my son up as a sacrifice, of course I would, aren't the people who sacrificed their children without Hashem's direct command, greater than Avrohom? - the answer is that Avrohom opened the channel for mesirus nefesh.  It is because of his mesirus nefesh that subsequent parents can do the same.

What channels might we open for others with our own efforts? On a darker note, what possibilities are we opening for others by publicizing the breaking of taboos and the crossing of lines that should never be contemplated let alone acted upon?