Women Are Absent

I find it interesting how we never hear a story about the beis din shel maala (Heavenly Court) that has a woman involved. If you know of any, please tell us ...

All those stories, about arriving in the next world and having one's deeds scrutinized, and piles of mitzvos and sins, and angels or tzaddikim getting involved in the judgment, and what it is like in the place of reward or punishment, never have a female as the protagonist! Why is this so? For that matter, I don't think I've read any stories about Jewish women who are nearly dead or apparently died, who come back to life to tell what they've seen in the next world.

I'm not talking about women who are no longer living coming to someone alive in a dream; there are stories like that.

For that matter, some of the questions that the Gemara (Shabbos 31a) says a soul will be asked do not apply to women. The questions are:

אמר רבא בשעה שמכניסין אדם לדין אומרים לו נשאת ונתת באמונה קבעת עתים לתורה עסקת בפו"ר צפית לישועה פלפלת בחכמה הבנת דבר מתוך דבר ואפ"ה אי יראת ה' היא אוצרו אין אי לא לא. Rava said: After departing from this world, when a person is brought to judgment for the life he lived in this world, they say to him ... Did you conduct business faithfully? Did you designate times for Torah study? Did you engage in procreation? Did you await salvation? Did you engage in the dialectics of wisdom or understand one matter from another? And, nevertheless, beyond all these, if the fear of the Lord is his treasure, yes, he is worthy, and if not, no, none of these accomplishments have any value. 

Did you conduct business honestly? (some women are in business; many aren't).
Did you set fixed times to study Torah? (not for women)
Were you involved in being fruitful and multiplying? (a man's mitzva)
Did you look forward expectantly for the redemption?
Did you engage in the pursuit of wisdom?
Above all else, does the person have fear of heaven?

Taking a Tough Stance 2

 

Follow-up to this post: here

 

In the entertaining book, Ne Siyata D'Shmaya, the second to last story is about the author davening in a shul where bachurim were talking during kerias ha'Torah.  He went over to them and gently told them it's forbidden to talk during kerias ha'Torah.  They were silent for less than five minutes.  He got up again and asked them to stop talking.  They stopped for less than two minutes before resuming talking.

 

During the next Aliya he told them, the next time I hear you talking, I'm going to throw you out of shul.  They looked at him scornfully, were quiet for a minute, then resumed talking.

 

He went behind them and grabbed the biggest bachur and shoved him out of shul. 

 

Ten years later, he was back in that area and davened in that shul.  He noticed a tall yungerman pacing the shul during kerias ha'Torah, ensuring there was no talking.

 

Unexpectedly, the man came over to him and shook his hand and hugged him.  The author had no idea who he was.  When davening was over, the young man said, "Ten years ago you threw a kid out of shul and he fell on a table and broke it.  That kid was me and since then, I've been extremely careful never to speak a word during kerias ha'Torah.  Plus, I make sure that no one in shul talks either."

 

So how long are parents, educators, and rabbis going to try the nicey-nice approach about derech eretz, tznius, decorum in shul, etc. without results before resorting to forcefully enforcing Shulchan Aruch and community standards?

 

Taking a Tough Stance

There is an extraordinary, first person, true story told here.  I don't want to retell it in my own words when you can hear it directly from a person who was there, so I hope you will watch it.  I will just say it has to do with a person telling someone off in blunt terms and how this had a positive outcome.

 

It occurred to me that if the approach would have been non-confrontational and tolerant, as other people handled it, then we wouldn't have much of a story.  In this case, being judgmental (gasp) had a marvelous outcome. 

 

I read an article about a kindly rabbi who spent hours counseling people and making calls on their behalf.  Most followed his advice but there were some who were nudniks who went to him time after time, sharing their woes, but never following up on his suggestions.  One time, a fellow in his 20's who had dropped out of college (although he received a scholarship), did not hold a job, and mostly spent his days in bed, despite repeated encouragement and advice from the rabbi, went to the rabbi yet again.  The rabbi snapped and told him off.  The fellow ran out.  The rabbi was devastated by what he did.  He tried contacting the young man without success and was told he left town.  The rabbi thought of worst case scenarios and castigated himself for losing his temper. 

 

Years later, the young man stopped him on the street and thanked him! The rabbi was bowled over by their chance encounter and how the young man looked marvelous and wondered why the man wasn't furious with him.  The rabbi apologized for his behavior and said he had been searching for him to ask forgiveness. 

 

The young man was shocked by this and said he made it in life because the rabbi had shaken him up.  Nobody had spoken to him that way before and this is what helped him, not all the kindness and sympathy for his nebech plight.  And he said that the rabbi had also said positive and encouraging things even as he yelled at him, and he realized that it was all true (albeit painful) and that the rabbi cared about him.  The young man had gone to yeshiva, opened a business, and married and was living a purposeful life. 

 

So when to be soft and when to be tough, that is the question!

More on Judging

In a letter to Mishpacha magazine, a person writes the following about young people who are off the derech:

"It is important for each one of us that encounters or has a connection to these children that we do not become judgmental or look down at their current way of life."

Why - is a life off the derech equivalent to a life on the derech?

" ... Each one of them has a story that reads: 'My Rebbi looked down at me and didn't want me in shiur.  My parents wouldn't allow me to sit at the Shabbos table as they thought I was a bad influence.  The people in shul stare at me with my long hair and non-Shabbosdig clothing.'"

And these individuals never stare at something unusual? Would they visit the White House wearing jeans and a T-shirt or would they dress for the occasion? Why then do they attend shul with long hair and non-Shabbosdig clothing? Is it a test they've devised - let's see how rude we can be and see if people will react or not?

"I am in no way an expert to understand the psychological issues and needs of off the derech children.  I do know, however, that we need to support, accept, and welcome all these children that are labeled off the derech and are searching for a way to be accepted back in.

" ... If we want these children to be chozer b'teshuva, we need to stop being judgmental and open our hearts and our minds to them."

Welcoming, yes.  But I hope it's clear to them that we think the derech of Torah and mitzvos are superior and the only true way.  If that's being judgmental, and of course it is, so be it.

Judging Well

Hamodia's Inyan magazine had an article about a judge, a Chief Judge of Oregon's Court of Appeals, to be exact. 

 

In a sidebar there were the judge's, "Principles that Should Guide Us All" which included the following:

 

"We are all judges ... We all act as judges, observing, evaluating, and responding to our fellow man's acts and words, assessing his or her motivations.  Our challenge, and our charge, is to live each judiciously in the best sense, with integrity, humility, insight and compassion."

 

How refreshing to hear the truth for a change.  We all are judges.  We all act as judges. 

 

see previous posts about judging here

 

 

Sticking Up for our Fellow Jew

The scene: You are in a store and see someone shoplifting.  What do you do? Tell the manager/owner? Confront the person? Look away?

The discussion:

A says: It's not for us to judge anyone.  There's too much judging going on.  We are not G-d's policeman!

B says: So, just let the perpetrator get away with stealing?

A has, on previous occasions, expressed dismay over how Jews don't stand by one another.  Snitching?! Out of the question! So A is adamantly opposed to informing on the shoplifter.  A also gives examples of situations in which a store owner was aware that someone was shoplifting and chose to let it go.

B says: Well, that's the owner's prerogative! An owner can choose to let someone take merchandise without paying for it! But if you see it happening, how do you have the right to allow them to steal?

A maintains their non-condemnatory stance until B says: The halacha is that you are not permitted to buy stolen goods because that makes you an accessory to the thief.  If you look away from a shoplifter, you are an accessory to the crime! Why do you have more Ahavas Yisrael for the shoplifter than for the store owner?

At that, A's position was modified to say see whether you can say something to the shoplifter (as opposed to reporting to the manager/owner), having realized that by protecting the shoplifter we are hurting someone else.

Labeling

The society I live in would have me think that labeling people is bad.  Well, from the Haggada we see that labeling people is not only acceptable; it's desirable. 

If not for the Haggada's categorizations, I would think that labeling children or adults as wise, wicked, simple and unable to ask is unhelpful or even harmful.  Yet, we learn that it's important to categorize people so that we know how to respond appropriately to them.  We don't do ourselves a favor when we make believe that we are all equal.  It doesn't mean that we need to address them using the words wise, wicked etc. but it does mean that in order to properly teach someone, we need to know who he is. 

Follow-up post about Judging

Previously, I wrote (see here) about the tension between the injunction to judge others favorably while not fudging on what's right and wrong and rebuking others when the halacha says to do so.  Note - When it says in Pirkei Avos to judge others favorably it is telling us: Yes, judge them! How? Favorably.

I am astonished and amused time and again when in conversation, someone piously repeats the popular mantra of our times, "I'm not judging anyone ..." while proceeding to do just that! See for yourself.  The next time someone tells you, "Far be it for me to judge," or "Who am I to judge?" see if they actually do judge nevertheless. 

I don't think it's because they mean to be hypocritical, espousing a standard but not living up to it.  I think it's because they are mindlessly repeating a line without acknowledging that our human intellect is constantly observing and sorting the information it takes in.  It is dishonest (and they don't seem to realize it) to eschew judging when our critical faculties judge as automatically as we breathe and quite silly to disdain judging while judging! Aren't they judging others negatively when they say, "You are being judgmental"? They might say, no, I am simply observing that you are judging, but where does that get us ... Anybody can claim they were just making an observation and not, G-d forbid, judging anyone.

Bottom line:

The human condition is that we are discerning and this is good as it says, "Im ein daas, havdala minayin?" (If there is no daas-understanding, how can you differentiate between things?). 

Actions can and should be judged as right or wrong, according to halacha.

There are times to judge favorably, times we can be neutral, times to judge negatively (see previous post on the subject).  There are times to rebuke others.

As for the statement, "Do not judge your fellow until you reach his place," that means we can never fully understand another person since they grew up differently than us (even within the same family) and were given a unique set of genes, drives, Yetzer Hara, understanding and circumstances and therefore we cannot come to conclusions about their motivations.   Hashem can.

Knowing Right from Wrong

It seems that the highest praise you can give someone these days is to describe them as "non-judgemental." This certainly has a source in Torah as in "b'tzedek tishpot es amischa", "hevai dan es kol ha'adam l'chaf zechus" and "al tadin es chavercha, ad she'tagia lim'komo" ("judge your people in righteousness," "judge everyone to the side of merit," "do not judge your friend until you reach his place").

However, what is often forgotten is the mitzva d'oraisa of "hochei'ach tochi'ach es amisecha" (Rebuke shall you rebuke your fellow).

Not being non-judgemental has very specific halachic rules as follows:

If at all possible, you should give people the benefit of the doubt. We must always give a pious, yirei shomayim, the benefit of the doubt, even when it seems most likely that what he did was improper.

The rules about an average mitzva observer are:

If you see them doing something that looks wrong, and the likelihood of zechus (innocence) and chov (guilt) seem equal, we should give them the benefit of the doubt.

If chov seems more likely, leave it undecided in your mind, but strictly speaking you can assume they did wrong. It's still a good thing to give them the benefit of the doubt though.

Nowhere in these halachos does it say anything about blurring good and bad! In other words, even when we are giving the benefit of the doubt, the reason we need to do so is because something looks amiss!

The Torah is very clear about right and wrong. There's no such thing as tolerance or vatranus (looking away) when it comes to right and wrong. Vatranus has to do with being personally hurt or wronged, and overlooking it.

The liberal approach of "everybody is entitled to their opinion," is not a Jewish view, unless it has to do with food preferences or similar things with no right and wrong.

Some examples from Chumash: 1) Yaakov asked the shepherds why they had stopped working when the day wasn't over yet.
2) Moshe saw two Jews fighting, and he rebuked them.  Moshe didn't look away, he didn't think "live and let live," let them work it out, it's none of my business ... He judged them to be doing something wrong, and he called them on it.

The calls for unity through tolerance are misplaced and not Torah-based. We can be united despite  the fact that other people are wrong, yes, wrong. Unity is not about blurring right from wrong.

We are all "disordered" in one way or another

 

Eating disorders are “a coping mechanism when life feels out of control, overwhelming, disappointing or painful,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair, director of Eating Disorders Education and Prevention at McLean Hospital.

Yet, in 2006, the National Institute of Mental Health confirmed that anorexia and bulimia are biological, brain-based disorders.

Seems to me that to say that eating disorders are a way of coping with distress is vastly different than saying they are illnesses that are biological and brain-based!  

More and more behaviors are being labeled as illnesses or disorders.  ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) used to be referred to as bad behavior or being a brat.  Now it's a "disorder" which is "evaluated" and "diagnosed".  The cause is "unknown".  G-d forbid that parents would be considered the cause of their child's obnoxious behavior.  That would be judgmental which is a cardinal sin.

If we categorize behaviors according to what makes people feel good and opt for a medical diagnosis rather than finding out what is really bothering the child or young adult, I am afraid that the treatment will be unhelpful.