Seeds and Sprouts

 

The cover of the book gives no hint as to the contents.  Under the title it says, "True stories of inner work, inner growth and inner joy."  It turns out, the book is a publication of Bnos Melachim, an organization that promotes tznius in numerous ways.

I was impressed when I read in the introduction that each story was well researched and the facts verified with each protagonist, and that certain stories were omitted because they could not authenticate the information.

Each story highlights a different aspect of tznius under one of six themes: long life and protection, children, health, parnassa, shidduchim-shalom bayis, spiritual success.  In each case, when the person undertook a commitment of an upgrade in tznius, they experienced bracha in their life, whether a miracle or a yeshua. 

They openly address the fact that there are people who have done the same thing and did not see a heavenly response, and people who have always been modest and yet have difficulties or tragedies in their lives.

They say the book is meant to inspire and not to promise miracles, and in any case, it is not our place to draw direct correlations between our actions and events (though the Gemara tells us to examine our deeds when we experience suffering).  Though I think it's somewhat disingenuous to say that when most stories have an amazing connection between an upgrade in tznius (it is usually not a commitment to the basic halacha) and a distressing life situation.

They conclude by cautioning the reader that these stories do not guarantee that any particular commitment will result in a yeshua.

All in all, an inspirational book, though it would be improved with some editing.

We are Confused

I was reading an old Binah magazine which has an extensive tznius section, highlighting various tznius initiatives.

They interviewed a woman who started a tznius hospital gown gemach in memory of her daughter.  The typical hospital gown is immodest, while the gowns she provides are simultaneously modest while allowing hospital personnel to do their work (like insert an IV).

What struck me about the article is where the woman says she is always looking for ways to expand the gemach and since there is an overwhelming demand for these gowns, they need more money for fabric, and they want to set up a website.

A website? Hmmm.  But if the conservative, quite frum readership of Binah follows the tznius guidelines promoted in the magazine, they won't have Internet in their homes! Who would the website be for?

I know that with filters and other measures and guidance from their rabbis, upstanding people have Internet, but the official line is: no Internet.  The tznius stories promoted lately (see next post) include the message of not even using filtered Internet, and as far as business needs are concerned, some stories will tell how they use it under rabbinic guidance while other stories will convey the message that Hashem can send you parnassa without your using the Internet.

So it seems ironic and downright confusing that a tznius initiative wants a website!

Sensitivity to Subject Material

I met someone who expressed her dismay over frum publications referring to such sensitive matters as miscarriage.  Another person chimed in, saying today it's all out in the open and how years ago, we only had Marcus Lehmann to read and weren't exposed to these sorts of subjects, and do you remember how one magazine created a fervor with its article about sonograms ...

I said, what about what 10 year olds learn in Mishnayos Shabbos, for example.  That exposes them to plenty of "interesting" material.  The response was that from Torah they relate to it differently, it just passes them by.

Hmmm, guess it depends on the kid. 

Shortly after this discussion, I noticed "miscarriage" mentioned in one of the most conservative publications.  I remain unsure what the fuss is about when it concerns sonograms and miscarriages.  I suppose it's a big deal for those who do not tell their children that a baby is on the way and the children find out only when there is a mazal tov.  For the rest of us though, who don't consider an impending birth a great secret, I don't see what the problem is.  I suspect that if we discussed it further, we would discover that at the root of it is the fear that children will ask how babies are made.

Pouring Fuel on the Fire part 3

continued from previous post

 I had a long talk with one of the women responsible for the brochure. Her number was on it and I conveyed to her the negative comments I'd heard and she welcomed that.

She said 35,000 copies of this issue were sent primarily to schools all over the U.S. and the world. Some shuls got them too.

I brought up 4 negative comments:

1) It blames women and women resent that - she agreed that she would not want to be singled out for blame either, and she asked me whether I had seen flyers around directed at the men (I hadn't).

2) What about other issues like stealing etc. - she said anybody can work on improving any area they like. They focused on this because the rabbis they consulted with, when asked what the women should focus on, told them tznius.

When I said that in addition, tznius is a public transgression, unlike certain other aveiros, she added that breaches in tznius directly cause others to sin which is not the case with most other aveiros.

3) People take exception to the cause and effect message - she said that until she saw it in the sources, the Chofetz Chaim for one, she would have agreed, but what can you say when the sources directly attribute tzaros to lack of tznius?

4) About people thinking it's a negative message - she said two things: A) we need a wake-up call B) if you read all the material you see many positive things too

She sounded like a sincere woman who was truly troubled by the tzaros of Klal Yisrael and who, upon the guidance of rabbonim, chose to work on upgrading our tznius as a volunteer.  

It's 12 years later.  I think we can all agree that what we want are RESULTS, not to be yotzei "hochei'ach tochi'ach," and not to make people "feel good about themselves." Has tznius improved since then?

 If a softer, gentler approach is what people, they need to demonstrate that it's working.  We see that the communities which are tougher on tznius have women and girls who actually dress according to halacha. In the communities that try the gentler approach, the results are not obvious.

Pouring Fuel on the Fire part 2

continued from previous post

A response I've heard is, aveiros don't cancel mitzvos.  A mitzvah habo'oh be'aveiroh (a mitzva done in a sinful way) is a problem, but a mitzvah that is not related to the aveirah is another story. Tovel v'sheretz b'yado (immersing while holding an impure creature) is not a good example here because the purity upon immersion never took hold.  But if someone prays and then goes outside and eats treif, although eating treif is a sin, it does not cancel his prayer.  So perhaps the lack of tznius, as bad and terrible as it may be, does not mean that our prayers are a waste.

True, one should not refrain from davening even while violating the laws of tznius.   However, if we want our prayers to be accepted, and we all do, then it makes sense to find favor in Hashem's eyes while asking Him for something.  Children act on their best behavior before asking their parents for something.

And yet, Chazal say, even a burglar prays for G-d's help as he prepares to enter the home of his victim (Talmud, Tractate Berachos 63b in Ein Yaakov).  How odd that as he is about to commit a sin that may result in violence, even murder, the thief asks for the help of the One Who commands him not to do what he's doing!

Pouring Fuel on the Fire

This picture is the title of a brochure called "aWEARness," from 2002.  aWEARness was an organization that produced brochures pamphlets etc. to promote tznius among frum people.  In case it's not large enough to make out: It shows a bus in Israel destroyed by a suicide bomber with a Tehillim above the flames and it asks whether we can extinguish the fire of destruction with the tears of our Tehillim while simultaneously pouring the gasoline of immodesty on the flames.  I found the four page flyer in shul. That's just the front cover. It contained divrei Torah and stories.

It is a very blunt, provocative message, inspired by those who say that calamities are predominantly caused by extensive loshon hara and lack of tzinus.  This is supported by the fact that where the Torah discusses tumah, the Torah says: ‘I, Hashem, will be dwell among them in the midst of their uncleanness.’ Meaning that even when the Jewish people are not worthy, Hashem is with them. The only place where it says Hashem does not dwell with them is when there is ervah (nakedness). The Torah says, if there is immodesty, ervah, Hashem says I leave.” This (immodesty) is the only issue upon which Hashem’s presence being with us or not depends.  

טו. כִּי יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ מִתְהַלֵּךְ | בְּקֶרֶב מַחֲנֶךָ לְהַצִּילְךָ וְלָתֵת אֹיְבֶיךָ לְפָנֶיךָ וְהָיָה מַחֲנֶיךָ קָדוֹשׁ וְלֹא יִרְאֶה בְךָ עֶרְוַת דָּבָר וְשָׁב מֵאַחֲרֶיךָ: For the Lord, your God, goes along in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. [Therefore,] your camp shall be holy, so that He should not see anything unseemly among you and would turn away from you. (Devarim 23:15)

What angers people greatly is the presumption that we can declare which sins cause tragedies.  After all, there are also the serious sins of bittul Torah, stealing, talking in shul during davening and chilul Shabbos.  But the point here is not to say immodesty causes tragedies.  There's a concept known as "tovel v'sheretz b'yado" - immersing (for purity) while holding a creeping creature (which confers impurity). The cover of this 4 sided brochure conveys this point. It notes the incongruity of praying for Hashem's mercy while simultaneously transgressing His will. It is not aimed at tinokim sh'nishbu. It is aimed at those who have learned the halachos. So the question for those who vehemently disagree with this method of promoting tznius is: Do you disagree with the premise? Do you think you can extinguish the fire while fueling the flames?

If yes, what is your reasoning? Is it that you compartmentalize and say that Hashem accepts your Tehillim while ignoring lack of tznius?

What if you wanted something from your boss or had an important meeting arranged with the mayor on behalf of the Jewish community. Do you think your boss would be receptive to your request if you didn't get around to completing the work he assigned you, although he had told you about the deadline? Do you think the mayor would be amenable to your request if you had just made the headlines for being caught doing something illegal?

to be continued

Setting a Standard

I heard an interesting thought from Rabbi Aharon Dovid Gancz of Monsey.  Someone he was mekarev told him about a problem he had.  The mekurav's father kept kosher to a minimum standard and this son of his felt he could not trust his kashrus.  His father was upset.  How dare his son not trust him, and was his son holier than him, and why did his son have to keep a higher standard, wasn't his standard good enough?

R' Gancz asked him, would your father understand if I did not eat in his house? The man said sure, you are a rabbi.  So R' Gancz said, the problem then is, that you are not a rabbi.  Don't blame your father!

R' Gancz says he uses this concept often, in tznius for example.  We need to be so inculcated with the midda and mindset of tznius that nobody would dare behave or dress otherwise in our presence; they would feel uncomfortable to do so.  He calls for "raising the bar" in all areas.

It has been noted that the same people who seemingly have no qualms about dressing inappropriately among other religious Jews, would behave respectfully if they were invited to the home of Japanese who asked them to remove their shoes.  Why is this so? I think R' Gancz has the answer.  The Japanese set a tone which most people would be loathe to violate.  Also, as guests, they would not want to insult their hosts.  Amongst ourselves though, we feel like the brothers and sisters which we are, and "Don't tell me what to do!"

Thoughts from Rabbi Aisenstark

Here and there I've come across an article either written by Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark, principal of B.Y. of Montreal, or an interview with him.  There are often interesting tidbits.  For example:

In an issue of HaModia magazine it said that he described his dyslexia, his family's constant moving, and how various people in various yeshivos were nice to him and did the right thing by him. He said, "As mechanchim we know that no one, absolutely no one, drops out of a loving situation."

 

That's a powerful line.  Consider the inverse to that statement.

 

In a recent Family First interview about girls' chinuch he is quoted as saying, "Students don't want to hear tznius.  It's coming out of their ears.  They turn off.  We're not doing any good by going on and on about it again and again.  Yes, schools must have a dress code policy, but these rules are not what's going to make them tzanuos.  You know what's going to make them tzanuos? If we teach them eidelkeit.  I heard an anecdote about R' Nosson Tzvi [Finkel] that when he saw a young boy drinking from a soda can, he said to him, 'I consider you a ben Torah and a ben Torah doesn't drink out of a can.'  When I see a girl running down the hall, I tell her, "I consider you a bas Yisrael.  A bas Yisrael is like a queen.  Do you think the queen would run down the hall? Could you imagine your grandmother running down the hall?"

 

Here's a fascinating comment from him in that same interview:

 

"What I'm going to say may not be very popular but it needs to be said.  My parents left their families behind in Warsaw, Poland in 1935 and moved to 'Palestine' to marry and build a Torah home.  I was born in 1937, and in 1939, when I was two years old, my mother wanted to visit her family back in Poland.  She made all the arrangements for me to be cared for while she was away, but I was such a vilde (wild) boy that she finally decided she simply couldn't leave me, and she canceled her trip.  A few months later, Hitler invaded Poland and that was the end.  Not only single relative suvived from either of my parents' families.  My mother always told me that story and said, 'You saved my life.'

 

"Now let me ask you something.  If a mother today had a situation where her child needed her time and attention, would she quit her job to care of her children? Never! And if you say, 'Well, mothers today need to work, we can't survive on single incomes, and my husband's in kollel,' well, I'll say to you: It's because we're spoiled.  We want every new gadget, we want every comfort.  I ask you, is it right to have children and then send them out to be cared for by someone else? I don't have a good answer to this problem.  All I'm saying is that we need to at least recognize that this is not the derech that the Riboni shel Olam wanted.  Today's mother is harried. She's in over her head, so she can't parent properly, and we're paying the price!

Upping the Odds for a Miracle

A letter that I wrote to a frum publication:

I'd like to share with your readers what it says about prenatal sonograms in the book Aleinu L'Shabei'ach (Devarim, p. 242) by Rabbi Yitzchok Zilberstein. After a patient refused to have an ultrasound done, with Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky's support, a doctor asked R' Zilberstein to explain this to him. He asked his brother-in-law, R' Kanievsky who said that if there are no specific medical problems with either the woman or the fetus, it is preferable for her not to do a routine sonogram. As long as no problem has been diagnosed, prayer is more beneficial. If, however, a woman has a sonogram done and it shows a defect in the fetus, it will require an open miracle to heal the baby and not everyone is worthy of a miracle.

R' Zilberstein brings support to this position from the miracles related about Elisha and the Shunamite woman with the oil and later with her son, in which the miracles needed to be performed discreetly. Hashem wants miracles to be done in as inconspicuous a manner as possible. A blessing from a sage and prayer are more effective when an illness or defect have not been discovered and a big miracle need not be performed.

R' Zilberstein said he heard in the name of the Klausenberger Rebbe zt'l that a person should go to a sage for him to pray before he goes to the doctor, because once the doctor says there is a serious problem, it is much more difficult for the sage to reverse it.

R' Zilberstein adds that many times, women have the routine sonogram which reveals a possibility of a problem and this causes the woman to be extremely anxious and fearful, especially when many defects are incurable. Doctors often recommend the termination of the pregnancy, which is forbidden. All of the anguish suffered by the mothers is therefore pointless, he says, since there is nothing they can do about the defect and there is a good chance the baby will be fine. It is better not to take these tests since Hashem created the world in such a way that a woman should not know what is in her womb, as Shlomo Ha'Melech says in Koheles 11:5.

I have read numerous stories of women who were given dire news upon taking a sonogram and were pressured to terminate the pregnancy. These stories ended with a healthy child. Were the doctors wrong or did a miracle occur? We don't know. What we do know is that those reading the sonograms don't even get the gender right 100% of the time, or the size of the baby. If sonograms are about saving even one life, as one letter writer wrote, thought should be given to all those lives that are ended, r'l, because of routine sonograms. Likewise, thought should be given to the effects of prolonged and extreme anxiety on the expectant mother and the fetus.

When is Kosher not Kosher?

 

Kosher Cruises, Kosher l'Pesach "Cereal", Kosher videos, Kosher concerts, Kosher food at baseball stadiums, Kosher Cheeseburgers (with tofu of course), Bacos (kosher bacon flavored chips), Kosher Eiruv in our town etc.

Some people decry every new Kosher thing, feeling that it drags us down spiritually, despite the kosher label. They maintain that by having a "kosher version" of just about everything, we are ba'grubbed (spiritually coarsened) and don't learn to say no to anything because we don't have to.

Others say, the Gemara says that for every non-kosher thing Hashem created, He created something similar which is permissible. Also, that everything was created to be used in the service of G-d.

So when is "kosher" good and when is it bad? Does it depend on circumstances - like whether or not it's used l'sheim shomayim (for the sake of Heaven)?

The issue here is, things that are not against halacha but might not have the proper Jewish spirit, or might eventually break down one's sensitivity towards Jewish matters.  When we are very different from the non-Jews in what we eat and do, it keeps us at a distance from them.

An example: I read an impassioned article by someone who was very upset by the kosher l'Pesach "cereal" now available. Do we need it? Why do we need it? Can children not make it through the week without imitation cereal? Whatever happened to the special sights and sounds of Pesach, the special foods, the aura of Pesach with its unusual menu?

Now someone can respond by saying: Is it perfectly kosher for Pesach? So stop with the nostalgia spiel and memories of when the only available products were matza and wine! Pesach is Pesach, and we don't need to ignore the perfectly acceptable kosher products available in the dozens! [note: I'm not getting into whether it is preferable not to buy any storebought products on Pesach].  For that matter, one can say - our great-grandmothers worked hard to make kosher l'Pesach lokshon, kneidlach and cakes and how is that different than cereal?

The same argument can be made for absolutely 100% kosher l'Pesach hotels ...

Someone gave this as the answer as to why tznius is more of a problem issue for people than other things. They said that in most other areas of life there are acceptable, kosher substitutes, but when it comes to tznius and related matters, there's no substitute. You've just got to say "no." And because we're so accustomed to having whatever we want, saying no doesn't come easy. And that an important component of chinuch is training our children to say no, so that when confronted with situations in which there is no kosher alternative, saying no won't be foreign to them.

Promoting Shabbos and Tznius

Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon makes an interesting observation.  He says that nowadays, whenever some calamity happens, people are quick to lay the blame on deficiencies in shemiras ha'lashon (I would add the related sin of lack of Ahavas Yisrael and machlokes), but if you look into the collected letters of the Chofetz Chaim where he refers to many disasters (pogroms, fires, poverty, communism) he never connects them to shemiras ha'lashon! Usually, he lays the blame on the lack of Shabbos observance and tznius.  Occasionally, he also mentions bittul Torah and poor tefilla, but never shemiras ha'lashon.

The problem as I see it is, shemiras ha'lashon is something that applies equally to men and women, so when we are urged to improve in this area, nobody feels uncomfortable.  The same would also apply to Shabbos observance.  But if people try to promote tznius and point out failings in tznius, the response is often negative since women don't want to be made to feel that the problems we face are their fault.  You can't help but elicit a defensive reaction when you point a finger at a sub-group.

So what's the solution? Well, for one thing, to promote greater Shabbos observance.  There are certainly plenty of books available in so many different formats on the subject of Shabbos.  Some favorites of mine are: Baruch Chait's terrific book on the 39 Melachos:

http://www.feldheim.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=0-87306-586-7 

"Shabbos Secrets" for inspiration:

http://www.israelbookshoppublications.com/ProductDetail.asp?PID=360

and there's "Shemiras Shabbos K'Hilchasa" for practical guidance in Shabbos observance:

http://www.feldheim.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=1-58330-494-0

As for promoting greater tznius, that's a tough one because it seems that those who are already doing well in this area are the ones who show up for the Kinusim on the subject.  Maybe an avenue that should be pushed more is lecturing men on the subject of tznius with a particular emphasis on urging them to encourage their wives and daughters to dress according to halacha and in an aidel manner.  Too many husbands either tacitly allow or actively urge their wives to dress inappropriately.  And who is paying for their daughters' clothing? Parents should be encouraged to put their foot down and not allow purchases of inappropriate clothing.

Other suggestions? Post your comment! :)

Is there anything private anymore?

The "let it all hang out" mentality has finally reached the frum world.  Articles with people's personal life stories abound.  I will admit, some of these accounts are fascinating to me but I'd like to differentiate between an inspirational life story of how someone became a baal teshuva, for example, and sharing details about one's divorce. 

A book published by a Jewish publisher last year had me cringing.  The author describes her feelings as her divorce was finalized.  Her situation is heartbreaking but as I read it I thought: Why are you telling the world these intensely private feelings and thoughts?

Some will say that people in her situation will feel comforted to know that they are not alone in their sorrow.  This may be true, but at what price? Where is the tznius in speech?

It's worse when the author signs their name but even anonymous tell-all articles are questionable.  They feed our voyeuristic inclinations.  They put us on a par with those who sit glued to their televisions as the host of the program urges the guest to tell the audience the juicy details of their sensational and/or sordid story . 

Frum readers are frequently presented with stories about how someone's marriage failed, how a person could not stop eating, about why they went off the derech, about how their parents mistreated them, how they were sexually molested, how they descended into depression, about their panic attacks, their obsessions, their husband's drinking, their discovery of their husband's gambling or pornography.

I have registered my protest more than once to a publication that allowed a writer to describe how their mothers did terrible things to them.  Was a rabbi consulted about the halachic permissibility of publicizing this information? Even if the halacha would allow it (which I doubt), why is there no shame in telling the world about the failings of one's closest relatives?

I am getting the message that keeping things to yourself and telling only the few people who can be helpful to you is selfish! If you cared about others, you would share your pain so others can be comforted by your story!

Are there times and places when a personal story can be told? Definitely.  Can a personal story about failing and rehabilitation be helpful to others? Yes.

When is the line between appropriateness and crassness crossed? Let's see if we can come up with guidelines.