We Do Have Choices

In a talk, Rivka Malka Perlman told about a young man whom her brother (Benzion Klatzko) is trying to be mekarev.

The person is tough and bitter and her brother asked him what's your story?

He said, when I was younger I was okay, but then my mother got sick and passed away. I was very lonely and having a very hard time in school, and I ended up connecting with not the greatest kids.
One day, the boys threw a rock at someone's car and the alarm went off. The owner came out screaming but the other boys ran off and I was blamed for it. The man said I'm calling your father and the police. The police came and took a report. My father came and took me home and was very disappointed with me.

I was punished and I didn't know what to think. I had gone from being an average person to a horrible person. I left school and did horrible things.

***
One day he was at a pizza shop and a nice man came over and spoke to him. He began casually meeting him, and he gradually spent more time with the man and began to trust him. The man recommended a summer camp for him. He was excited to go and the man said he would take care of the money and speak to the boy's father.

He hadn't been in a Jewish environment for so long but this seemed like a chance to start over.
His father gave permission and camp was a fresh start and he was reminded that he's actually a nice guy, and he started to have fun again and to heal from his mother's passing.

He came back from camp a new person.

The guys back home saw that he was different. They invited him to a barbecue and he was nervous about attending because he hadn't had friends back home in a long time. He decided to give it a try. He wanted to be the kid he was in camp, but it was hard to do that at home.

The barbecue was wonderful and he felt so grateful that the good times could last. He went inside to the kitchen for more drinks and saw, to his dismay, that the host was the owner of the car that had been hit by a rock. The man yelled, I remember you, I don't forget kids like you, you think you can come to my house and be part of a barbecue here, what are you doing on my property? Get out of here, you don't belong here!

"That was the end for me. I joined a gang and that's me today."

***
I heard this story and thought, it is so important to teach children about free choice, that Hashem makes things happen to us, but we get to choose how to respond. We are not compelled to react one way or another.

Losing his mother and feeling lonely, made him friendly with fringe kids. Being yelled at, apparently wrongly, made him decide he's bad. Going to camp and having a good experience, made him feel he's good. Being yelled at again, made him feel turned off from everything and everyone. He behaved like a marionette - when his "strings were pulled," he moved in that direction.

One can imagine someone else in similar circumstances responding differently. It's not like this young man had to respond as he did, though he may have felt that there was no other way. It is this that I think we must convey, that we do have choices in our responses, that the way we respond is not a given.

As I read in a book about happiness long ago about a former prisoner of the Soviet gulag who spent 12 yrs. in concentration camps, starved, beaten, humiliated, who lost two fingers to frostbite who said, "Victim! I am not a victim! I survived!"

Many people can’t do this. They carry their hurt forever. They begin to define themselves as their pain.

Life hurts but you can’t allow yourself to get wrapped up in this hurt, constantly reliving it, fearing the future and grieving the past. That’s victimization.

Other people can hurt you but only you can victimize yourself.

Lecture Roundup

Since, as of this writing, we still don't have the third Beis Ha'Mikdash, it's still timely to post a summary of some of the points various lecturers made recently about sinas chinam and unity.

R' Akiva Rutenberg - He said sinas chinam is apathy; I don't think so.

R' David Fohrman did an excellent 5 part video presentation here in which he maintains, based on the Kamtza-Bar Kamtza story, that sinas chinam is disproportionate anger.  Not convinced that's what sinas chinam is.

R' Benzion Klatzko - He spoke bluntly about our lack of unity.  Unlike many other speakers who extolled the unity of the Jewish people over the past two months, he says he doesn't see that the Sefardic-Ashkenazic, religious-secular, Chassidic-non-Chassidic divide has been bridged.  He highlighted and praised the dozens of chesed organizations that we have but said he didn't see unity at the Siyum Ha'Shas, i.e. he did not see it bringing together all kinds of Jews. 

I agree with him.  So much chesed is done and it crosses lines, i.e. we don't only do chesed for our "own kind," but there still is very much that feeling of "us" and them."  Who is us? Whatever group you affiliate with.  And who is them? The other people out there.  I wrote about it here

to be continued

Focus on Over-Consumption

I give Benzion Klatzko credit for his unpopular remarks in a recent talk entitled "The Grinch that Stole Purim."  For those not up on their Dr. Seuss, it's a take-off on a story about a grumpy creature that makes plans to deprive the Whos of their holiday presents, dinners, and decorations.

Klatzko laments the wet-rag attitude towards Purim by those who seek to minimize (or eliminate) noise-making at the mention of Haman's name, minimize shalach-manos giving, minimize (or eliminate) drinking, and say you're too old to dress up.  He thinks they're a bunch of spoil-sports and are taking Purim away from us, and he's got a good point!

Does drinking get out of hand? Sometimes.  Does shalach manos giving get out of hand? Sometimes.  But when we hear too much about things getting out of hand, then the mussar-giving is out of hand!

Actually, I think year round eating and enticements to eat with increasingly lurid advertisements and cookbooks has gotten out of hand in the frum world.  This affects us every day of the year, not just one, and it affects the health of men, women and children, not just men.  So rather than harping on  excessive Purim mitzva and minhag observance, I'd like to hear more from our leaders about excessive non-mitzva and minhag eating indulging.