Try Again, Maybe

On Rosh Hashana there is a new cheshbon, completely unrelated to last year's cheshbon, see this post.

I read this analogy long ago, not sure whose it is.  It goes like this.  There is a fly that is buzzing against a window, wanting to get outside.  The fly keeps hitting the glass in a futile attempt for freedom.  There is a  window without a screen that the fly could easily fly through, but the fly doesn’t see it. It doesn’t even look for it! It only sees one way to accomplish its goal as it repeatedly bangs against the glass.

The fly is motivated, but without help to see it from a new angle or perspective, the fly is doomed to repeating the only behavior it knows.

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How do we know whether something we've tried, without success, needs to be tried again and we will finally succeed, or whether it is futile, no matter how many times we try, it just won't work?

I've read of people who tried, unsuccessfully, to learn Torah, who were determined and who davened, and who finally succeeded.  They could have said, learning is just not for me.

I've read of people who tried various ways of making money, unsuccessfully, until finally they succeeded.  They could have said, I'm just not the kind of person who succeeds financially.

Sometimes it's the method that needs changing, sometimes the method is fine but it will take time and repeated efforts to see change.  Davening is a must and asking an objective person is helpful.

Not Doing the Best He Can!

Years ago, when I read the line, "S/he's doing the best s/he can with the tools s/he has," to put a positive spin on a negative situation, I didn't buy it.  Who said he's doing his best? I know I'm not doing my best, so why would I think others are?

I recently read an article by R' Fishel Schachter in which he describes preparing a shiur on a daf of Gemara with a Rashi that contains a lengthy mathematical calculation.  He wanted to avoid it altogether but was forced to tackle it.  He spent days on it until he finally mastered it.

He asks, what if he did not have to prepare the shiur? If he had been learning that Rashi with a chavrusa, he would have read it through superficially and moved on.  His thinking would have been, these mathematical calculations are not for me.  He would have believed that he could never understand it and forget about teaching it to others.

So he asks, what do we mean when we say we can't do something? He answers:

"Perhaps we mean: Given my current level of motivation, I can't.
Or, given the amount of resources and time I am willing to invest in whatever it is, I can't.
Or, given my existing level of emuna as to whether the success at the end will justify the effort, I can't.
Or, I am so concerned with failing that I am not willing to really apply myself properly.
Or, I don't fully understand that for all practical purposes I can't do anything without siyata dishmaya."

He concludes, "Let's stop thinking whether we can or can't.  Let's just engage and wait for help to come from Above.  The next time you hear yourself saying, 'I just can't do it,' take a moment to reflect on what you really mean.  The greatest opportunity of your life may be at hand.  Don't miss the call."

Results or Effort?

Nowadays, when it comes to test results (and June is around the corner) the emphasis on results is often decried, with the new view maintaining that effort is what counts.

I disagree with this view. I think that's what tests are for, to see if you have mastered the material. Some master it more easily than others, but the point of tests is to measure mastery of the material.  For example, either you pass your driving test or you fail.  Effort doesn't count.

How much effort someone puts into mastering classroom material is another matter. Years ago you got marked for your mastery of a subject and there was a separate grade for effort or shekida though did you ever wonder how teachers were supposed to assess the amount of effort you put in?

On the one hand the mishna in Avos says, "it's not for you to finish the work, nor are you free to desist from it" which would support the position that effort is what counts, not results.

We also know that a good thought is reckoned like an action.

On the other hand, if a person tries to obtain matza (or an esrog etc.) for Pesach and doesn't manage to get any, although Heaven will give him credit for trying, he didn't do the mitzva and did not bring about the spiritual results of a mitzva! This supports the position that results are what count, and effort, though laudable, is not good enough.

Process or results ...

Mentchlichkeit

-Someone spends many hours preparing for a shiur and delivers it.  He finds out that someone else heard his shiur and delivered it without crediting him and is hurt. 

-Someone spends many hours preparing for a shiur and as soon as he gives it, he puts it up online so that others can use it for their own audiences.  He is happy to enable others to benefit from his work.

-Someone writes a poem.  Someone else submits it to a contest under their own name.

-Someone pays an architect a lot of money to design a house.  A wealthy person, who is building a house two houses over, calls and asks whether they can use the blueprints to build the identical house.  This is without offering to pay anything.  The person gives them the blueprints while thinking it was quite a chutzpa to have asked for it gratis.

-Someone buys a stunning accessory to wear with her dress.  A relative asks her where she bought it and she tells her.  The relative buys the identical accessory and they both regularly show up at the same simchas wearing the same thing.

-A kalla find a beautiful outfit, a sample piece, and has it customized to her specifications.  Someone in her circle sees it and copies it and shows it up wearing it, just like her.

-A person bakes delicious cookies and is asked for the recipe.  She declines to give it because if she does, then she won't be the only who knows how to make these cookies.  They are her specialty.

-A woman shows up at a wedding wearing the same gown as one of the wedding party and a member of the wedding party tells her, in no uncertain terms, to go home and change.

-A creative person designs unique shalach manos and others copy it.

-A new minyan is started that siphons off people from an existing shul.

-There is a shiur that takes place which is well attended.  Someone in the neighborhood decides to start another shiur and this takes away people from the first shiur.

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When do you say, "zeh neheneh, v'zeh lo choser" (this one benefits and the other one does not lose out)?

How should copying clothes, decorations, etc. be regarded - as complimentary or a chutzpa?

When does geneivas daas apply? Must everything be credited to the originator?

There are halachos of hasagas gevul - of not being allowed to encroach by, for example, opening an identical type of store in an area which cannot support them both.  From what I've learned, this generally does not apply to Torah, though perhaps it depends on the circumstances.

In some of these cases, there may not be an outright right or wrong, but perhaps that is where the mitzvah "You shall do that which is right and proper (haYashar v'haTov)" [Devorim 6:18] comes in.

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This is something to think about when we are the person who is being asked for something or copied, and it is something to think about when we want to ask for something or copy someone else.  Be forewarned, people have strong feelings on this subject!

Taking Ideas to Heart

As a follow-up to the previous post, I heard the following in a shiur today.  We have much more knowledge than previous generations but lack the heart.

We take in a tremendous amount of information, but it doesn't obligate us; the knowledge is peripheral to us, not part of who we are. We run from idea to idea. In previous generations, people felt obligated by knowledge, they acquired what they learned.  Sara Schenirer comes to mind as an example.  She went to hear a speaker, Rabbi Flesch, who spoke about Yehudis of the Chanuka story and the power of Jewish women to continue her legacy.  She so took his message to heart that she changed the world with her Beis Yaakov movement.

Someone was giving an ongoing shiur on a certain midda and she asked a rav whether she should hone in on the midda again and again. The rav said we are living in a time that if you do that, with the intention of getting people to absorb it, the people won't come back because they'll say they heard it already.  They want variety. 

So we run from shiur to shiur and it's exciting, with new topics and each speaker with his or her style. Our challenge, said the person giving the lecture I heard today, is to take the “v'yodaata ha'yom” (and you shall know today) and make it “v'hasheivosa el levavecha” (and take it to heart), see how you can make the ideas part of your lives. We need to slow down and think about what we heard.  Even if we hear many ideas, we should take one idea and make it ours, make it practical and real to us.

Disclaimer: There are always those who take in ideas and change their lives as many baalei teshuva and converts can attest.

Putting in the Work

Miriam Stark Zakon wrote an article about having completed a year long study of bitachon which is all about putting Hashem in the picture, and then encountering a frustrating situation in which Hashem wasn't in the picture for her at all.

"I realized that in my search for bitachon, I'd been enjoying the company of a fantastic group of women, basking in the intellectual and emotional stimulation of a shiur, maybe taking a few baby steps in the direction of self-improvement."

Her epiphany was, "Baby steps don't win marathons.  You want to win bitachon? You've got to work.  You've got to do more than you ever thought you could do."

She had felt so good about spending a year studying an important subject.  It took a temper tantrum for something not going her way to make her realize the dissonance between what she had spent the year studying along with the pride she took in it, and how much it had actually changed her.

I found this a valuable insight.  For those who like to learn, it can be gratifying just getting through the material and feeling that sense of satisfaction.  For those who do this in groups, it can be stimulating and delightful to learn along with others.  It all makes an impact, but like the author points out, if you want more than that, you need to put in work to master anything.

Is He Really Doing His Best?

Shais Taub found it necessary to write a lengthy (more than a page) explanation about his use of the phrase "he was doing his best" in a previous article.  It leaves me wondering what the point is in using a phrase that is so puzzling that it needs that much explaining. 

I remember coming across the phrase, "He is doing the best he can with the tools he has" in Miriam Adahan's writings years ago, and not liking it.  Why? Because it isn't true.  I assume that if I am not always doing the best I can, neither are other people.  After all, how often are we actually doing the best we can.  If someone offered us a million dollars to do better, wouldn't we do better? Quite likely!

Taub says, "When looking at a person's behavior, we have to take into account all sorts of factors ... the best that they were able to do at that moment, with the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacities they had at that time.  These factors include their experiences, their education, whether they had enough sleep last night, and so on."

He goes on to say that none of these factors are excuses and they don't absolve anyone of anything.  They just help explain the rationale behind someone's behavior.  He goes through all this explaining in order, he says, to help us see that the problem is with the other person, not us.  But then I don't accept this line either, "They were pathetically incapable of doing better." Sure they were! But for some reason, Taub wants to use these phrases which aren't true, while simultaneously saying, the person should have done something to become the kind of person that doesn't do those bad things.

I can see thinking through various factors to explain someone's unacceptable behavior; we do this when we are judging someone favorably.  But why not simply say: "Their behavior was unacceptable; They could have done better; It was hard for them because of bad habits/poor role models/difficult personality, etc.?"

Yearn to Learn

How many times do we hear about boys who are "not cut out for learning" and how they need a program that is not academic to meet their needs?

The Steipler writes that even someone who has a hard time understanding Torah will merit the siyata dishmaya to become great in Torah even though he is not naturally gifted, provided he puts in the effort.  He then quotes from a sefer about a 16-17 year old boy who went to the Chasam Sofer and told him he desired to learn Torah.  He was young and hadn't seriously studied before, so the other bachurim thought this was a silly idea.  Nevertheless, the Chasan Sofer accepted him and told his talmidim to learn with the boy who, it turned out, was not only a late starter but was not a smart boy.

He applied himself and he later became outstanding in Torah and was appointed a dayan in Mattersdorf under the Chasam Sofer.  He is often quoted in the sefarim of the Chasam Sofer.

Makes me wonder whether, instead of modifying (= dumbing down) the yeshiva curriculum for those who don't have the intellectual ability and/or interest in learning, efforts should be made from the youngest years to imbue talmidim with a love for Torah.  With songs, with stories, in an atmosphere where they hear that "Torah iz de bester s'choira" (the best merchandise), perhaps they will acquire a love for Torah that will motivate them to work hard.  And then we are told, "yogaata u'matzasa taamin" - if you try hard and are successful, believe it."

You're the Boss of Your Thoughts

The halacha is that one of the people sent home from battle is one who is afraid.  Once the war begins however, the Rambam says he should rely on Hashem and realize he is fighting for the sake of the oneness of Hashem's name and not show fear.  He should not worry about his wife or children. On the contrary, he should remove all thoughts from his mind except the war.  Anyone who begins to feel anxious in the midst of battle to the point where he frightens himself, transgresses a negative commandment.

It occurs to me that a lesson we can learn from this is that we can control ourselves and our thoughts.  It is not valid to say, well this how I feel so I can't help it.  Hashem does not give us mitzvos that are impossible to fulfill.  If there is a prohibition of being afraid, we can distract ourselves and not be afraid.  The same would apply to other negative emotions we have that are unhelpful if not worse.  Hesech ha'daas - distraction, turning our minds to positive pursuits, is the way to go.

It's Not Always the Effort that Counts

On the one hand the mishna in Avos says, "it's not for you to finish the work, nor are you free to desist from it," which would support the position that effort is what counts, not results.

We also know that a good thought is reckoned like an action.

On the other hand, if a person tries to obtain matza for Pesach and doesn't manage to get any, although Heaven will give him credit for trying, he didn't do the mitzva and did not bring about the spiritual results of a mitzva! This supports the position that results are what count, and effort, though laudable, is not good enough.

Lately, the emphasis on results is looked at askance as though only effort matters, which is a prevalent attitude about schoolwork.  I disagree with this view. I think that's what tests are for, to see if you have mastered the material. Some master it more easily than others, but the point of tests is to measure mastery of the material. How much effort someone puts into mastering it, is something else. Maybe it's no longer considered politically correct, but years ago you got marked for your mastery of a subject and there was a separate grade for effort or shekida.

On tests, yes, either you pass your driving test or you fail, right? Effort doesn't get you a license.

When it comes to tests in school, teachers may use discretion and give a higher grade to someone who truly puts in the effort and doesn't do that great anyway, but that should be the exception rather than the rule.

It's an important lesson to learn, that certain things you just have to get right.

Trying to watch the kids but getting into a phone conversation with a friend doesn't hack it when a child gets hurt because you were irresponsible (even though that too was Divine Providence).

Dropping the baby (G-d forbid) and saying oops really doesn't work either ...

Some things you just gotta get right.