A Thought-Provoking Letter

The following letter was printed in Binah magazine in March 2015:

"I live in a community where boxes are getting smaller and smaller, and the only way to get the contents to stay in the box is to sit on the cover and squash it so it fits.

I have been forced to send my daughter to an out-of-town high school because no school in town could accommodate her. She is a girl who is tzniusdik, respectful, and bright.  She is also very talented and creative, and would love to have a career as an artist or fashion designer.  She voiced that once in a personal essay at school and it set off a flurry of conferences as to where this heimishe girl was getting such aspirations from.

Once that red flag was raised, it all went downhill.  She was called in and asked pointed questions such as, "Do you read fashion magazines?" When she answered in the negative, they asked her, "So how will you be a fashion designer? Do you understand why it's the wrong career choice?" And then, I kid you not, she was asked to re-write the essay with a more preferable career choice for a frum girl.

She came home broken and confused.  "Why is it okay for Mrs. X (a parent on the PTA committee) and Rebbetzin L to design tzniusdik fashionable robes and children's clothes, but I can't? Why do I need to write an essay that is a lie?"

She is respectful, my daughter, so she wrote a beautiful essay on why she would shift careers and become an accountant instead.  She called my neighbor, a mechaneches, and told her the story and asked her to read it to ensure that not a hint of cynicism was in there.  My neighbor read it, praised her, and then called me, insisting, "You must talk to your rav.  This girl is going to learn a new habit: lie about who she is and say everything right to satisfy those around her.  She must get out of the school and learn that it's not a way of life."

She scared me (this is my oldest child and I would not have stepped out of the box and made a fuss had she not pushed me) and I did call our rav, who advised us.  He explained it all, in person, to our daughter, and encouraged her to become the best frum fashion designer there is and raise the kedusha level of Klal Yisrael with her creations. He encouraged us to find a high school that would nurture her passion for art and allow more self-expression.

Prior to this, I too was a very "in the box" type.  Now, I worry about its far-reaching effects."

Finding Your Passion 2

Hamodia magazine had an interesting article (July 27, 2011) about the exciting work of Rabbi Dan Roth, director of Torah Live: click here to see website.  He provides multi-media presentations on topics in halacha and hashkafa in an engaging way.  He saw that students today who spend their free time texting and using other gadgets were not interested in a traditional shiur, so he decided to use the same media the kids use, to teach them.

As I've written previously: click here, I find it fascinating to read about people who have found their passion, whether they do so as a child or teen or unexpectedly later in life.  R' Roth had been learning Gemara full-time in kollel and there was a Torah topic (Pirkei Avos) that he wanted to write about.  He didn't think it was right to leave his Gemara learning to do this. 

He asked Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky for his advice which was: "בּן עשׂרים לרדוף Age 20 is for pursuing; בּן שׁלשׁים לכּח age 30 is for strength (as it says in Pirkei Avos 5:25).  Martial arts experts are able to break slabs of wood and concrete with their bare hands because they know how to focus all their energy into one point.  Your twenties are meant for exploring various life goals and options, to learn what you like and what you're good at.  By the time you reach thirty, however, you are expected to know enough about your strengths and character to be able to strip away everything else and focus all your energies and abilities into your unique talent.  That's what strength means."

R' Roth had just turned thirty.  Inspired by what R' Orlofsky told him, he spent the next three years writing a sefer on Pirkei Avos.  Then he got a job teaching OTD youth.  The class was a disaster with the students ignoring him.  This prompted him to present material in today's language, via computer, and it was a big hit.

He says, "This is my life's calling.  It drives me day and night.  I feel a responsibility to help as many Yidden as possible get clarity about Hashem's Torah.  My biggest dream is to increase k'vod shomayim in the world.

"Hashem gave each of us natural talents and abilities that we have to use in avodas Hashem.  A few years ago, when I was in kollel, financial and family pressure for me to get a job was mounting, but I couldn't figure out what I was going to do with my life.  I literally couldn't sleep at night, wondering what my next step would be.  I never had any idea that I would end up doing anything like what I'm doing today.  Hashem guided my every step."

"She is in the tent"

I heard a recent shiur from Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein (of Ohr Naava) which he gave to young men at Ohr Yitzchok.  Among other things, he spoke about the angels asking Avrohom where Sarah is and Avrohom responded, "She is in the tent," i.e. she is modest.

R' Wallerstein took the opportunity to say a most unpopular view, acknowledging that he could not say this in a talk to girls or he'd lose 80% of them.  He said that what he has to say is the truth though people don't want to acknowledge it and a rabbi saying it will be seen as hopelessly out-of-touch with today's reality.  What he said is:

Women belong in the tent, in the home, taking care of their home and children.  Men are supposed to go out and provide for their families.  Men should get up early and learn before they daven and then go to work and learn again in the evening. 

Sarah was in the tent.  She didn't serve the guests because it wasn't modest for her to serve men.  Sarah did not have a career.  She wasn't a PT, OT, or speech therapist.

Too many of today's children are being put on the bus and taken off the bus by foreign help.  Having this help around the house when the husband is there leads to serious problems.

To many of today's kids are on Prozac, seeing therapists, sleeping till 4:00 in the afternoon.

Women today are embarrassed to say they are a housewife.

Boys in shidduchim who say they want to be supported for years and expect their wives to do it, who don't change their plans when their wives are pregnant, not feeling well, what is their learning worth?

All the foregoing are R' Wallerstein's remarks.  I give him lots of credit for saying the unpopular truth.  Is anybody listening?