Idealistic Women

At the Agudah Midwest Convention, R' Dishon read a letter that he received.  The letter, from a woman in Lakewood, told him off (his words). He felt the tears and pain in the letter.  It said:

What do you want from me? You say to spend quality time with your children. Can you tell me when? I get up at 6:00 in the morning and have to hurry and get ready.  I can't afford a babysitter [to come to the house], so at 7:00 on the icy road, I run to bring my son to a babysitter.  

Then she goes to a town near Lakewood to teach. She comes home 2:00 and has to rush and prepare lunch because her husband has to get ready for 2nd seder. When he leaves, she cleans up the house. Her boys comes home from cheder at 4:00. In the evening she's falling apart and she has to prepare for teaching the next day.  Where is the quality time for my kids? she asks.

Unfortunately, the lecture ended with R' Dishon extolling these ladies who live such a life, who are so idealistic, and he does not respond to her question.  Nor does he, in any way, say: This is a crazy life you are living, in which you sacrifice your children for your husband's learning.

As R' Elya put it, " 'What you are doing is in gantzen nisht nohrmal!" (completely abnormal)" see here

The madness continues.  And so do the articles about the myriad problems that children today have, and the mothers with PPD and numerous emotional/mental problems.

Having a Life

Overheard from two women who each have two children around the same ages.

Lady 1: I am older already, in my thirties, and I got married later.

Lady 2: I got married at 19. Right after high school.  I'm 24.

Lady 1: So you haven't had a life.

Lady 2: Basically ...

***
Lady 1 meant that Lady 2 went directly from her obligations at school to her obligations as a wife and mother, without having years to "do her own thing," which usually includes studying a profession, work, some travel.

I understand that, but it still sounded awful.  Maybe I should have piped up and asked, "Why do you think being a wife and mother isn't a life?" and seen where that went.  She may have said, I did not have any time for myself.  I might have responded, why then did you choose to meet someone and get married when you did? I don't know what she would have said.  I might have had the opportunity to say, if you want to study a field, you still can.  If you want to work, that is still possible (and I think she was working in the store I was in). So what do you think you missed out on that you cannot do now? She might say, a sense of freedom, being able to come and go and explore my interests. I might then say, there are hundreds, thousands of frum single girls who do just that.  Many get married along the way. Too many do not.  What do you think is more important than raising Yiddishe children?

Ask Not What Your Job Can Do for You

I came across this line which I like, "You need to work where you add the most value."

 

People pursue careers or lines of work for various reasons.  Money, of course, is a major factor.  Then there is the location and how much travel time will be needed, what the hours are, what the work environment is like, what the benefits are, and what you like.

 

The Chovos HaLevavos says work in a field you are drawn to and are good at (see here).

 

This line that I like adds another perspective.  Rather than, or in addition to, seeing which profession is good for me, I should see where I can make the best contribution.  I daresay that often or usually, this is synonymous with a field I am good at.

Then and Now

 

R' M.M. Weiss, a rav in Staten Island and teacher at Machon BY seminary, wrote an article in the year 2000 discussing why he thought the previous fifteen years (1985-2000) saw an unprecedented crisis among frum youth.

When he started teaching in 1985, he said that 80% of the mothers of the girls he taught were full-time homemakers. In 2000, he says, it's the other way around, with 80% of mothers working full time.

He understands that some have no choice, that was always the case. Whether for valid reasons or not (that was not the issue here), he was observing that parents, particularly mothers, are not available for their children as they used to be, not physically available (like not being home when their children come home from school, or even when home, not having time for their children), and not emotionally available because of having to juggle so many responsibilities.

 

****

Recently, Hamodia magazine presented the following numbers to compare a young family in Brooklyn in the 1970's versus 2014:

Salary for a professional in the 1970's: $15,000

Median starting salary for professional in 2014: $45,000

Rent for a two bedroom apartment in the 1970's: $200 a month

Average rent for a two bedroom apartment in 2014: $2000 a month

Tuition in the 1970's: $125 a month for one child

Average tuition in 2014: $425 a month for one child

Rent+Tuition in 1970 = approximately 25% of income

Rent+Tuition in 2014 = approximately 65% of income

 

to be continued

G-d's Calculations

I read a related idea to something I posted previously: here about how G-d has everything worked out based on our actions.  The idea can be read in its entirety as it appeared in Community magazine: here

The gist of it is, a sofer set aside some of his work time every month to voluntarily train two aspiring sofrim.  His colleagues said he was giving away valuable time in which he could be earning money.  He doesn't see it that way.  In his view, the time is well spent because it would otherwise be consumed by unpleasant things and he doesn't lose out at all.

According to his philosophy, if he is destined to lose work time every month, since this is part of life, he'd rather let his fellow Jews benefit from it.  "I am confident that these hours are lost time anyhow."

He and a colleague kept track of the time they spent working and the work time they ended up spending on other things.  The colleague was astonished to see that even with his volunteer work, the other sofer still worked more hours that month than he did, and that he lost time for various other reasons.

The conclusion: What is destined to be lost, one loses regardless, but you can utilize the loss of time for mitzvos and even save additional hours thereby!