The Seminary High

A woman whose daughter went to seminary in Israel for a year, said she wants her daughter to have six months back home before dating so she can see who she really is and not date from a "seminary high." 

That got me thinking.  Why does this mother think that the "real" person is the one who comes down from her inspiration? Maybe the inspired person is the real person? How are we defining real?

An analogy, you go to an event or shiur and are inspired by the speaker.  Is that real or not? You know how when are you excited by what you heard, you want to tell people about it? Would it be a good idea to wait a week or a month before telling anyone so the inspiration will wear off and the real you will be back? I don't think so ...

But I do understand where that mother is coming from.  It's one thing to sit in a classroom, having all expenses paid for, usually by one's parents, and being inspired to marry a ben Torah and enable him to learn for years to come.  Actually being married and living that life is another thing.  So the mother figures that six months down the road, reality will set in.  If the girl still feels strongly about her religious undertakings and ambitions, she will say so and date accordingly (though even then, it's not like actually being married).  But to date while on a high can be a dangerous proposition because you can end up married based on idealistic commitments that are not as desirable as time goes on.

R' Avigdor Miller z'l felt otherwise.  He said a girl should go from graduation to the chuppa for precisely that reason.  She is idealistic and should marry in that state and it will uplift her future life.

Is He Really Doing His Best?

Shais Taub found it necessary to write a lengthy (more than a page) explanation about his use of the phrase "he was doing his best" in a previous article.  It leaves me wondering what the point is in using a phrase that is so puzzling that it needs that much explaining. 

I remember coming across the phrase, "He is doing the best he can with the tools he has" in Miriam Adahan's writings years ago, and not liking it.  Why? Because it isn't true.  I assume that if I am not always doing the best I can, neither are other people.  After all, how often are we actually doing the best we can.  If someone offered us a million dollars to do better, wouldn't we do better? Quite likely!

Taub says, "When looking at a person's behavior, we have to take into account all sorts of factors ... the best that they were able to do at that moment, with the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacities they had at that time.  These factors include their experiences, their education, whether they had enough sleep last night, and so on."

He goes on to say that none of these factors are excuses and they don't absolve anyone of anything.  They just help explain the rationale behind someone's behavior.  He goes through all this explaining in order, he says, to help us see that the problem is with the other person, not us.  But then I don't accept this line either, "They were pathetically incapable of doing better." Sure they were! But for some reason, Taub wants to use these phrases which aren't true, while simultaneously saying, the person should have done something to become the kind of person that doesn't do those bad things.

I can see thinking through various factors to explain someone's unacceptable behavior; we do this when we are judging someone favorably.  But why not simply say: "Their behavior was unacceptable; They could have done better; It was hard for them because of bad habits/poor role models/difficult personality, etc.?"

Shlomie!

 

I started reading it on Rosh Hashana and finished it on Yom Kippur - I highly recommend the book Shlomie! (Artscroll).  He wasn't the usual rosh yeshiva, mashgiach, or rebbe that Artscroll biographies are about.  He was a balabus who lived in Flatbush who was a vilde chaya as a boy and went from yeshiva to yeshiva to yeshiva.  Today, he would be drugged for ADHD.  His good heart and yiras shomayim were always apparent, even when he was unable to sit in a classroom.

He went on to become extremely wealthy and a huge baal tzedaka.  His greatness was not merely in being able to write checks (though that is a great thing).  He loved people and loved making people happy.  He was constantly alert to how to help people in ways that had nothing to do with money.  Another aspect of his greatness was the fact that even though he could barely sit long enough to learn, he had regular learning sedarim and was machshiv Torah and talmidei chachamim.  He sought to grow spiritually and kept moving further away from a materialistic lifestyle.

He is an inspiration for those who were not a success in yeshiva and an inspiration to all when it comes to loving and pursuing chesed.  It's a book about a "regular guy," who with all his fun-loving geshmak-keit, was quite extraordinary.

Be a Guest - Be a Host!

I received an email which informed me that someone on Shabbat.com had sent me a message, asking whether he could join us for a meal on Yom Tov. 

Have you seen the site? You can sign up as a guest or a host and then, either wait for someone to invite you or to ask you for an invitation, or actively seek a guest or a host.  This person lives in a different neighborhood and will be davening in my area on Yom Tov.

I checked out his profile and then spoke to one of his references (in Arizona), just to ascertain that he is a normal person.  I was reassured that yes he is, and a mentch.  That was enough for me to send a message back to him.  We exchanged a few messages, about food preferences and timing and we are on!

Isn't this special? A "brother," a fellow Jew we never met before, will join us in our succa! How exciting!

Post Rosh Hashana Thoughts

Primaries were held today for major positions and an election is coming up in November.  As I wrote almost a year ago: here , the election was decided by the Heavenly court on Rosh Hashana and we voters went to carry out their decision.

There is news regarding Syria every day and the big question is whether the US will attack or not.  On Rosh Hashana I thought, the articles I've been scanning speak about those for and against a military response, but there is no united feeling here about what should be done.  I figured, that's because the decision about Syria will be made on Rosh Hashana.

Now it's a few days after Rosh Hashana, and there is still no clear direction.  Maybe it is because the decision in the Heavenly court was not finalized and matters are pending during the Aseres Yimei Teshuva.  I think about how the "little people" like the president of the US and other world leaders think they are making history with their decisions.  In reality, they are carrying out G-d's plan for the world which is the Geula. 

And since all world events are about us, as the Gemara says, a ship does not sink at the other end of the world except for the Jewish people, maybe that is why the decision is pending.  I don't know whether we should attack or not, but Teshuva, Tefilla, and Tzedaka will avert the evil in any decrees.

From Hopeless to Hope in an Instant

In a recent news item, a man in Ohio, Tony Yahle, was given up by the doctors and declared dead.  And yet, 45 minutes after his heart stopped beating he began to show signs of life. They say he fully awoke at the hospital five days later.

The cardiologist, Dr. Raja Nazir, said, "In the last 20 years, I've never seen anybody who we have pronounced dead ... and then for him to come back, I've never seen it.  Actually, I've never heard of it."

The man's 18 year old son said, his father went "from hopeless to hope in an instant.”

That last line stood out for me.

We have a phrase for that: yeshuas Hashem k'heref ayin (the salvation of Hashem like the blink of an eye).

I looked up how fast is a blink of an eye and found this: On average, a human eye takes between 300 and 400 milliseconds to complete a single blink. That's roughly between three-tenths and four-tenths of a second.

Women and Tefilla

A question I've long had goes like this:

Women are exempt from the same tefilla requirements as men because they are exempt from mitzvos asei she'hazman grama (positive, time-bound mitzvos).  Women have household obligations, specifically, children to care for, and they cannot be obligated to daven as a man does. 

But if a woman takes a job which requires her to be at a certain place for set hours, then that would seem to demonstrate that she can do time-bound activities.  If so, why should she be exempt from tefilla like a man?

I was reminded of this question when I read an article in which a woman says davening used to be the focus of her day.  Even when she had a baby, she davened three times a day.  When she had a second baby, the demands of the newborn and the toddler did not allow her to daven much at all.  The way she put it, "Every weekday morning, I faced a marathon consisting of nurse-the-baby-feed-the-toddler-throw-on-some-clothes-change-and-dress-two-children-pack-up-the-diaper-bags-daven-fly-out-the-door ... all by 8:10."

She said she couldn't do everything and so, she gave up on davening.  She goes on to say how she learned that she could daven an abbreviated davening. 

So I don't get it.  She can work six hours a day, a time-bound activity, despite her childcare and household obligations which she delegates to others, and this exempts her from davening, a time-bound activity.  Why?

City of Refuge versus Yerushalayim

In a related idea to the previous post, the mishna says that the roads to the arei miklat (cities of refuge) had to be smooth and wide and there had to be signs directing the inadvertent murderer where he had to go.

In contrast, there are no such instructions regarding the roads leading to Yerushalayim for the pilgrims making aliya l'regel.  Why are we helpful to the inadvertent murderer and not to the good Jews going to the Beis Ha'Mikdash?

The answer that's given is, when Jews ask for directions to Yerushalayim, it publicizes the mitzvah and gets other people to join them.  As for the murderer, the Torah wants him in the ir miklat as soon as possible, with the least exposure to other Jews.  The less contact with negativity the better.

Lesson from the Sefer Ha'Chinuch

In the Sefer Ha'Chinuch on parshas Ki Seitzei, mitzvah 534 (or 537) is to bury the person who was hung after being stoned to death for serving idols or for blasphemy.  The "Key Concept," as written in "The Concise Sefer HaChinuch" in English says, "When people see the executed person's corpse hanging on the post, they will say that such is the punishment for having cursed the Holy One's name.  When they utter these words, however, they remind themselves that such a sin is possible, and simply by speaking of the sin, they do damage to their souls."  This is why the person's body is taken down and buried on the same day that he was executed.  "As a result, there is less opportunity for people to do self-inflicted damage to their souls."

Reading this triggered the thought that I wrote about here, questioning what effect being regularly exposed to negativity has on us.  I won't repeat myself, go take a look :)

Different Reactions

Someone I know had a dream about the Arizal, in which she was told to say Nishmas and the Pitum Ha'Ketores until Ana B'Koach, and then to say it backward.  When I heard this being discussed and whether a rav should be consulted about others saying it too, my reaction was: She had the dream, so she can say it.  What does it have to do with anyone else?

I have enough to say without someone sharing dream instructions with additional things to say! It struck me though, when I heard someone else's completely different reaction.  As this person said, "My gut feeling ..." in my mind I finished the thought, "In my gut feeling, the dream was for her," but the thought was ended quite differently.  "My gut feeling is, if someone asks that verses be said, if I had the discipline and time to do it, of course I would like to help."

Well! How jarring and illuminating to encounter a response that was entirely different than my own.  Although I think my reaction is valid, I am still impressed by the willingness to make this commitment, even if it is only wishful.

Voices in the Silence

 

Voices in the Silence (Feldheim) was published in 1992.  It is one of those "must reads" about extraordinary people living excruciatingly difficult lives with mesirus nefesh in the Soviet Union.

One place where the flame of eternal Judaism still burned brightly was in a tiny basement apartment on Yaroslayskaya Street in Kiev, the capital of the Ukraine. Behind closed shutters, one remarkable family continued to devote themselves to an authentic, Torah-true life, performing numerous acts of chesed on a daily basis. This was the home of the Meisliks, a family that was not afraid to risk life or limb for the sake of a mitzvah. Voices in the Silence is the memoir of Basyah Meislik and her parents, Reb Yehudah Leib and Alteh Beileh, Jews caught in a life-and-death struggle against the forces of darkness. Their incredible self-sacrifice and boundless devotion to Yiddishkeit make this a very special and truly inspiring story.

 

Rebbetzin Basyah Barg speaks to women all over the world as she travels to raise money for her chesed project.  What she did to avoid attending school on Shabbos, from ages 9-16, is just unbelievable.  Then again, her parents were unbelievable and they instilled her with their pure emuna and bitachon. 

 

It is absolutely heartbreaking that out of 17 pregnancies, her mother lost nine babies and then seven of her children were killed in the war.  She lived till 91 with just this one daughter Basyah left, and tragically, Basyah has no children! This hasn't stopped Basyah though, from remaining devoted to serving Hashem and inspiring others with her example.

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More on Mothering

A frum female doctor living in Israel, who is the mother of 13 children (7 of whom are married now), wrote a book about the tough choices she had to make between her family and her career.  While training to be a doctor, she gave birth to six children.  During her residency she had three more children.  She says she could not have done it without her husband and quite honestly says, "I am not a role model for anyone.  It was a terrible life.  It meant splitting myself into pieces, missing all the siyumim and siddur parties and so many milestones in my children's lives. 

In a Binah interview she goes on to say, "The most important thing a woman with children can do with her life is to be a mother ... Your children only have one mother, your husband has only one wife.  Had I known what this choice entailed, if I could it all over again, I would choose differently."

During the six years of her residency she would light candles by herself in the hospital, away from her family's Shabbos table.  She would leave her house at 6:35 a.m. and be gone for 30-40 hours. 
Her 3 1/2 year old son once said to her, "No mother does this to her children, no mother!"

While in medical school, she and her husband consulted with R' Shlomo Zalman Auerbach z'l to ask him whether she should continue or quit.  He told her to continue since he felt she could perform a real service for the frum community where there were hardly any frum, female doctors.

She says that her children definitely suffered.  They wanted her at their school events.  Every mother was there, but her.  "I lost out on happy times with them.  Those precious years are gone forever."

The interviewer asked her what her adult children think of her, are they proud of her and feel pride in her work.  She said, "No, I don't think so.  I think what's most important is to have a real mother who is physically present.  But at the same time, they know that I do what I do l'sheim shomayim." 

As to a previous comment, "It is not "at his wife's expense" if she is willingly and eagerly supporting him to learn because she truly yearns for her husband to become a great talmid chacham, and is fully ready to sacrifice for that worthy goal" - when a husband goes off to learn, knowing that his wife who just gave birth will be traveling over an hour each way with two babies in order to interview for a job, whether she is fully behind that decision or does it because she feels it is expected of her, does not change the fact that his learning is at his wife and children's expense.  How he is able to learn with a clear head, knowing that his kimpeturin, nursing wife is spending the day in this way, in preparation for leaving her babies to be raised by others, is beyond me.

When it is only the adults affected by the decision, that is quite different than a decision that drastically affects the children who are brought into the world and are made to suffer for Torah study.  When in our history were mothers separated from their babies for the sake of Torah? Husbands have separated from their wives, like Rochel and Akiva for the sake of Torah, but not mothers and their young children.

The Power of Expectations

Sara Rigler wrote an intriguing article in the May issue of Ami magazine.  She said that Rebbetzin Kramer, the subject of a book that she wrote, see here, would call newly religious women who visited her "tzadekes."  At first, she thought her naïve but as she got to know her, she saw that Reb. Kramer could not be fooled.

She concluded that the rebbetzin's motivation was to convince people that they could actually become a tzadekes.  She saw it in them. 

Sara Rigler goes on to relate a story about how she realized her 15 year old son was in the wrong yeshiva when his rebbi did not see him in a good light.  If his rebbi did not view him favorably, he could not guide her son to becoming great.  She concludes, "The lesson the rebbetzin taught me [is] that the people in your life become the vision you hold of them ..."

She then tells two marriage stories.  She met two women who had married serious learning boys and had been kollel wives until their husbands announced they were no longer believers.

One wife divorced.  Ten years later, her anti-religious husband is a terrible influence on their children.

The other wife considered divorce but then read something that convinced her that it wasn't a good idea.  She decided that she would make it the best marriage she could and that this entailed respecting her husband.  This wife believed in her husband, thanked him for what he did, complimented him in front of the children for how he cared for his father and ignored what he did wrong.  Ten years later, he did not return to what he once was but he was going to shul daily and learning Torah every day.  Remarkable woman!

No Career!

Continued from previous post

The only public speaker that I can recall saying it the way it is, is Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein.  He quoted the pasuk about Sarah being in the tent, in response to the angels asking Avraham where she is.  Then he went on to say, "I can’t say it at Ohr Naava or I’ll lose nearly everyone, but the man should be out working and the woman home taking care of the house. No career! No guy should say he wants five or whatever years of support from his wife. What is his Torah learning worth if it’s at his wife’s expense?"

And the children's expense. 

I remember the shocked look on someone's face when someone suggested (facetiously, but to make the point) that mothers who opt not to raise their kids because they're busy working should give them up.  There are women out there willing to raise them ...

We used to hear the story of a gadol (it's hard to know who it really happened with) who was consulted about the chinuch of a person's young child, say a two year old.  The rabbi said, you are two years too late.  Chinuch begins at birth and before.  Maybe they don't tell this story anymore.