True Healing

Rachel Naomi Remen is a medical doctor who opened a practice where she speaks to seriously ill and suffering people and through her wisdom and caring guides them towards emotional healing.  In "Kitchen Table Wisdom" she describes a woman who was intensely grieving the loss of the love of her life.  Her grief was so acute, way beyond the norm, that a psychiatrist diagnosed her as having "reactive depression" and he treated her with progressively more powerful antidepressants which did not work.

She had several sessions with Dr. Remen in which she opened up about her pain which enabled her to move forward.

That's the chapter in a nutshell.  I won't repeat what the woman's thought process was and how Dr. Remen's suggestions broke through her numbness.  What outraged me about this episode is how the medical community, psychiatrists in particular, seek to label symptoms and drug us rather than heal us.  What the grief-stricken woman needed was not drugs to mask her symptoms (and give her numerous side effects to suffer from) but someone to truly listen to her and show her that she had the choice to move on.

We have numerous statements in Torah sources about the mind-body connection and yet we too, in the frum world, have fallen prey to drugging symptoms in children and adults.  We need wise people amongst us whom we can turn to; people who don't view coping mechanisms as medical illnesses; people who can listen and provide wise guidance within a Torah framework to those who are suffering; people who will talk about emuna and bitachon and simcha rather than diagnose syndromes and disorders.

Combining Different Pathways

Yeshiva X is a synthesis of the Litvish and Chassidish approach.

At Rabbi Y's shul they integrate different derachim (pathways) in avodas Hashem.

That sefer combines the fervor of ... the intellectualism of ... and the warmth of ...

Whether it's a biography about a Torah great, a description of a shul with a rabbi who has a great appeal to different kinds of people, or an advertisment to raise money for a yeshiva, you often see words like "synthesis" and "integrate" in praise of someone or some place that "combines the best of all worlds."

Sounds good.
"The best of ..."
If you can take the best of what each approach has to offer, presumably you will end up with a superior product.

But is there not a touch of condescension there?

The one with the fire lacked analytical acuity, and the one with the rationalistic approach lacked simcha, did they not? For if their approach wasn't lacking, why combine them and describe it as gleaning the best from each?

Dear Father ...

Every morning, after saying Modeh Ani and washing her hands, she would go out on the porch.  She placed her hands behind her back and addressed Hashem: My Master, my Father, I cannot do anything without You!

That is how a Moroccan Jewish woman addressed Hashem every morning.  She was an isha peshuta (simple woman) who was illiterate, since they did not teach girls to read and write and yet she had a personal relationship with the Ribono shel olam, one which, sophisticated we, with our ability to read, write and surf and search the Internet, often lack. 

We read stories from yesteryear, of the simple folk whom the Baal Shem Tov extolled.  There are still some living amongst us.  They are precious Jews.

We have a hard task.  We cannot feign simplicity.  We are enjoined to learn and know, to the best of our abilities.  But even as we broaden our minds and knowledge, we need to retain the emuna peshuta (simple faith) of a child, of unlearned people.

ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder - When Parents' Attention is Deficient

Lazer Brody, a Breslover Chassid and the translator of the immensely popular "The Garden of Emuna" has an opinion about ADD/ADHD which is refreshing.  In his experience of counseling parents about children's issues, he has seen a high correlation between those diagnoses with these pseudo-illnesses and lack of attention at home.  In other words, the attention which is lacking is primarily that of the parents, and not the child!

He "prescribes" one-on-one attention for the child with no siblings around and the transformation is amazing.  He says that at least three dozen children of his readers have rendered the use of Ritalin superfluous in this way. 

Is it not tragic, make that criminal, that children are made to be the victims of their parents' poor parenting to the extent that they are labeled as sick with a disease that requires medication? There would be more of an outcry if parents weren't only too happy to give their kid a pill rather than give their child what he really needs.  It's much easier to medicate than to give of oneself.

Reason enough!

Many people are sharing their opinions with the world these days by adding their comments to blogs and websites (and you, dear reader, are invited to add your comments to this blog!).  A comment that I have seen on a number of occasions is one which disdains the rabbis for focusing their attention on - what the person writing the comment thinks is - trivial in the "greater scheme of things."  They often use the topic of infestation of fruits and vegetables such a strawberries as an example of what irks them.  They wonder why the rabbis "obsess" about "invisible" bugs as though somehow the rabbis have only x amount of time and if they use it on bugs in our food, they won't give the proper attention to predators in our midst.

Rashi tells us in parshas Shemini 11: 45 that if Hashem took us out of Egypt only so that we don't defile ourselves with swarming things like the other nations do, that would have been reason enough!

Yes, there are important issues in Jewish society that needs the attention of our leaders, but lavin d'oraisa (Biblical prohibitions) rank way up there in G-d's scheme of things and this particular prohibition of not to consume insects was reason enough for G-d to take us out of Egypt! Let's get our priorities straight.

Who Are We? part 2

By now many of you may have read the NY Times article about the Polish Catholic skinhead who discovered he's Jewish and who has transformed himself from an anti-Semite to an Orthodox Jew.  Incredibly, the maternal grandparents of both he and his wife, also a former skinhead, were Jewish.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/world/europe/28poland.html?pagewanted=1

 He struggles daily with his new identity and with discarding his previous ideas. 

In a Mishpacha magazine interview with Rabbi Hershel Schachter of YU, he referred to the opposite situation, i.e. cases in which yeshiva bachurim discover that they are not Jewish.  This could be due to improper conversion somwhere along the line and/or adoption.

It boggles my mind just thinking of either scenario.  Finding out that your identity, that which defines you, is wrong, mistaken, like my "Partner in Torah" who realized she was in fact, not Jewish, because although she had a Jewish father, her mother's conversion was not according to halacha.  She could have opted to follow the Seven Noahide Laws but she unhesitatingly pursued conversion.

I heard someone describe a classrooom discussion in which frum students were asked what would they do if they learned that they were not Jewish.  It's really not a reasonable question because you can't truly imagine what it would be like to be something you are not.  You can't really imagine what it would be like to be a bird, rose or a rock because you are a human being and cannot think in those terms.  Likewise, if you have a Jewish neshama, you cannot possibly imagine what it would be like not to have that neshama.  You can only think about what it entails to be Jewish as far as the mitzvos we are obligated to do and what it might be like to be absolved of them.  And in fact, many students in that discussion loved the idea of not being bound to the dictates of halacha.  And that gets back to my theme of "who are we."  Is our Torah "lifestyle" an add-on or an expression of our neshama and its connection with Hashem?

Whether we are conscious of it or not, Torah and mitzvos are the essence of our lives as Jews.  When we see Jews who are not religious and doing as they please, the correct way of viewing their freedom is as avodas perech.  The Egyptians had men doing women's work and women doing men's work and this was called avodas perech, extremely difficult labor.  It is obvious that women doing physical labor in construction is extremely hard but why was it so hard for the men to do the women's lighter work? The answer given is that when you do something you're not suited for, that is avodas perech.  So too, even if not doing mitzvos looks easier, it is avodas perech because it goes against the natural inclination of a Jew. 

At this time year when we celebrate cheirus - true freedom, let's think about who we are and what makes us truly free.

Jewish Music Videos - Who are we?

I spent some time watching Jewish music videos of Jewish choirs.  I may like the song and think the video is well-done but at the same time, I find them disturbing.  This isn't something new.  It was true 15 years ago when I watched a video of a popular choir and found their moves and manner of singing goyish.

Much has been said about contemporary Jewish music and what makes it Jewish aside from the choice of words and I'm not getting into that in this post. I'm focusing on the children who perform and listen to this music.

After watching these music videos the other day, I analyzed what it is that bothers me about them.  For one thing, I wonder whether these children have any appreciation for genuine Chassidishe music like that of  Modzitz and Skulen.  Would they listen to Avrohom Fried's Yom Tov Ehrlich recordings for their enjoyment? I suspect not.

For another thing, as I watch the kids in the videos I think about the numerous articles I've read about chinuch and kids going off the derech because it seems to me (and I know this is a generalization) that Yiddishkeit is an add-on in their lives. 

What do I mean by that? I wrote about this in the post called "Yiddishkeit - Doing It All the Way", Feb. 14.  It seems to me that for very many frum people, Yiddishkeit is an add-on to their "regular" lives.  Sometimes I see a frum person who resembles a non-Jew with a kippa or if it's a woman, she looks like her non-Jewish counterpart with longer sleeves.  Yiddishkeit doesn't seem to be something that goes "through-and-through." 

- more in my next post about identity and who are we really

Being Informed

How much "news" must we know?

The two extremes are: 1) keeping up with all the news on a daily basis, news in the Jewish world and news in the world at large, via print material, radio, and/or online news sites  2) no reading or listening, remaining oblivious to what's going on unless personally told by someone.

I've tried to do what I thought was "middle of the road," follow the news on a regular but not obssessive basis, scanning the headlines on Jewish news sites and clicking to read further on particular items of interest.  However, over the past many weeks I have taken a break from most of it because I was becoming increasingly perturbed by the onslaught of negativity.  In Jewish news there were the sad news items (child falls from porch), the scandalous news items (yet another frum person arrested or caught doing something wrong), the what's-wrong-with-us news items detailing how frum society is on the brink of disaster for a myriad of reasons.  In general news there were plenty of downbeat items.

What is it costing us when we allow ourselves to be exposed to daily negativity? I think it's robbing us of our simchas ha'chaim - joie de vivre.  Considering that our frum publications have been informing us of the problem of depression in our midst, perhaps one step to take to increase our positivity and bitachon is to avoid voluntarily reading an excess of negative material. 

Even better, how about letting publishers of magazines and news sites know that we want to read upbeat, inspirational news items? There are plenty of wonderful things happening all around us.  Instead of yet another article telling us about formerly frum kids and their deterioration, how about an article about frum kids and their accomplishments in learning, derech eretz, and chesed? Instead of hearing about the tragedy of marriages breaking up or not happening in the first place, how about articles about people happily married for decades? As for chesed and wonderful initiatives on the part of groups and individuals, there is endless material!

Yidden zennen gut! Let's hear about it!

I'm a Regular Jew, how about you?

Some belated post-Purim musings:

A typical Purim costume is someone, child or adult, dressed as a Chassid.  With long pei'os, a beard, black coat and a Chassidic hat, preferably a shtreimel, the person is instantly transformed and readily identifiable as "one of those."

I found it amusing to hear about a genuine Chassid walking down the street on Purim with his children who were dressed as yeshivishe people with down hat and pei'os behind their ears.  Why amused? Because it seemed to "even the score" for a change.  For all those people who view Chassidic garb as a costume, whether on Purim or other days of the year.  For all those who refer to themselves as "regular" and Chassidim as another brand of Judaism, the implication being of a lower status to the "regular," "authentic" frum folk.  Guess what? Chassidim view themselves as "regular" and other frum Jews as "other!"

Marketing to Frum Customers

I was mailed a schedule of cooking classes offered by a frum establishment.  Here are some lines taken from their descriptions of the classes.  The bold is mine.

1) "Impress everyone with your creativity ... "[Is that a goal I ought to have?]

2) "Learn to decorate cupcakes in all the newest styles for your next simcha." [I must be really out of it.  I didn't know that there were styles in cupcakes.]

3) "If cookies are what you crave, you will want to join ... "[Sounds rather "grub" to me.  Doesn't seem to belong in the same Judaism as Dovid Ha'Melech's "Achas sho'alti .." - One thing I ask of Hashem ... to sit in the house of Hashem all the days of my life]

They also offered mishloach manos packages for sale and said:

4) "Leave it up to us and you'll look great!" [hmmm, I'd like the recipients of my shalach manos to enjoy it but no, my goal wasn't to look great.]

Then there was this:

5) "This Pesach you won't have to miss out on your favorite dessert ..." [Are there people who suffer for eight days because of a certain chometzdik dessert they miss?]

And in reference to the classes for children:

6) "Sundays will never have to be boring again." [Does the concept of boredom exist in Torah? Probably right next to wherever the Torah talks about fun :)]

Mind versus Heart

A Maggid arrived in town whose arrival was highly anticipated because he was such a terrific speaker.  When his drasha was nearly finished, he would look at the packed shul.  He had just finished telling them a very sad story and the men sat with lumps in their throats and tears in their eyes.  He suddenly shielded his face with his hand so that only one half of the shul was able to see his expression.  Then he stuck out his tongue and made a funny face.  The half that could see it burst into laughter.  The other half, still moved by his sad story, were still on the verge of tears.  Each side stared at the other, one side unable to understand why the other was not crying and the other baffled why the rest were not laughing.

The Maggid explained to them what he had done and why.  "A moment ago I had you all on the verge of tears and I can make you laugh just as easily.  I can make you feel whatever I want! Never listen to someone just because he is a brilliant speaker.  The message has to be true!"

I was taken by this story, by how we can be manipulated, by how we are susceptible to a good talker or a good writer and are so easily swayed in our emotions.  The prevailing attitude is you can’t argue with feelings and feelings are not right or wrong, they just are – but this is not a Torah view.  And yet, I see it often expressed by frum people.  Our minds are supposed to rule our hearts (mo'ach shalit al ha'lev) but you wouldn't know it nowadays! Today it's "this is how I feel" and that is supposed to give it the stamp of legitimacy.

Saying "I Love You"

R' Binyamin Ginsberg said he has asked hundreds of children, ages 5-14, whether their parents love them.  He said 84% said "no" or "I don't know," and of the 16% who said "yes," when he asked how they knew, they didn't say -as he would have liked - "because they tell me they love me", but they said their parents buy them things etc. R' Ginsberg urges parents to tell their children, daily, that they love them.

I understand why he finds this so urgent but disagree on a few points.  First, numerous children, myself included, were not told "I love you" by their parents on a daily basis or any basis and yet we know, good and well, that our parents love us.  How do we know? I'll answer as follows.  There are some frum people who maintain that husband and wife should be physically demonstrative in front of their kids because otherwise, the reasoning goes, "how will they know that mommy and daddy love each other?" The response to that is (from those who oppose being physically demonstrative in front of the children), that children know from how their parents speak and look at one another, whether they love each other.  Some might go so far as to say that many a divorced couple hugged and kissed in front of their kids and so those demonstrations don't necessarily reveal the truth of a relationship.  It's the more subtle forms of interaction that are more revealing.

In America there are many people who have adopted the habit of saying "I love you" on a regular basis, when ending phone calls, when leaving the house, at bedtime.  They'll say it to family and friends too. That's okay, I'm not saying it's not, but sometimes it seems so frequent as to be cheap or meaningless like "have a nice day" when the phrase doesn't seem to come from the heart but from habit.  Perhaps the actions, the buying things and doing things for us, express the love far more than words do.

Second, I think the answer "because my parents buy me things" is a good answer from a young child who is probably not capable of articulating how he knows how his parents love him but is secure in the feeling that they do.

Third, we say in our davening that Hashem loves us.  Knowing that Hashem loves us is a basis, says the Chovos Ha'Levavos, for trusting in Him.  Now if you did a poll and asked people whether Hashem loves them and how do they know, what would the answers be? I suppose some learned people would say, "because it says so in the pasuk and Siddur."  Perhaps that is the equivalent of "because they tell me they love me." 

I think many people would respond, "I know Hashem loves me because of all the kindnesses He does for me."  Is this not the equivalent of the children who say they know their parents love them because their parents buy them things?

Which answer reflects a deeper awareness of Hashem's love?

What to do with Gifts from G-d

In a chapter on talents, Rabbi YY Rubinstein tells of a rosh yeshiva who had displayed a phenemonal talent for art when a child.  The question was asked, "If Hashem has given you such a gift, isn't it a pity that you don't use it anymore?"

The rosh yeshiva answered, "I see symmetry in the Gemara's argument."

R' Rubinstein also tells of one of his own rebbes who was offered a place at Cambridge University because he was such a gifted mathematician and of a well-known rosh yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael who displayed a tremendous talent for chess as a child, so great that he could have easily played at the international level.  He says that no doubt, his rebbe would see logic and structure in the Torah and the rosh yeshiva woudl anticipate the "next move" of a talmid challenging his argument in a shiur.

A close friend of his is a maggid shiur who, long ago, played the flute in the Boston Symphony Orchestra.  When he asked whether the maggid shiur has time to play anymore, the answer was that sometimes he takes time out for relaxation.  In his shiurim though, he often uses music to illustrate a point and make a difficult idea comprehensible.

R' Rubinstein concludes, "The violinist can create a symphony with Torah and the artist can paint the Talmud's pictures (metaphorically) so that thousands can see and appreciate them for the first time.

It doesn't sound right to me.  A potential artist who instead of using the gift Hashem gave him, sees symmetry in the Gemara? I have no idea what that means and what it has to do with his artistic gift which is presumably for drawing.  I can see it more clearly with the mathematician and chess player because in using their brains for Torah study, they are using their gift.  After all, a brilliant person can't use his brains for everything: math, medicine, economics, chess etc. But talents like art and music?

The Midrash (Pesikta Rabasi 25) says that during the times of the Bais HaMikdash, there was a man named Navos who had a very beautiful voice. On Yamim Tovim, when everyone gathered in Yerushalayim, thousands would gather to hear him daven. One year, Navos decided he couldn’t be bothered to come, despite the disappointment of his admirers. Shortly afterwards he was killed and his land confiscated (see Melachim/Kings I 21).

The commentators explain that Navos’ error was that he thought his melodious voice was his gift – to use or not use as he pleased – when in fact it’s ‘on loan’ from HaShem to use in ways that increase His honor and bring pleasure and joy to others. Since he misappropriated his ‘property,’ he had his property taken away from him.  If we don't use our gifts, we will be held accountable, in this world or the next.

So what should we do with children who exhibit gifts for art, music, and working with their hands? If they are boys, many parents are reluctant to cultivate those gifts lest that be a distraction from the child's fulltime Torah study.  I think that if a boy displays a passion for something, not just a passing fancy, that might be a sign from Heaven that he needs to channel it l'kavod shomayim and not ignore it.  Consulting with a wise person is imperative.

Yiddishkeit - doing it all the way

I was reading a book by a kiruv rabbi and he said he was talking to someone who knew nothing about Judaism.  She said she had heard things about religious Jews and wanted to know "what we do."  The rabbi replied, "We laugh a lot and worry about things like the mortgage and the phone bill and whether we will be to afford a well-earned vacation.  We particularly worry about our children, and sometimes we argue with our spouses.  We try to make what the Torah says the compass by which we steer our lives.  Apart from being religious, we're very much like everyone else."

Now, I can understand why he would say that to someone he was trying to mekarev.  He wanted to convey our normalcy.  He wanted her to be able to relate to religious people.  And maybe this was a fine answer under the circumstances.

But ...

But is it accurate? Are religious Jews the same as everyone else - with our jobs, families, worries and joys - with the addition of a bunch of mitzvos that prevent us from working on Shabbos, eating many things, and that require us to pray and dress a certain way? Are religious Jews accountants, lawyers, doctors, homemakers, writers, entrepreneurs, like everyone else with the addition of Yiddishkeit: i.e normalcy plus? 

The answer for many of us (most of us?) is yes.  We live like everyone else plus we have to get ready for Shabbos, we have holidays to celebrate, we watch what we say and eat and wear and do.  And that's fine.  There are very few religious Jews (Surveys show that Orthodox Jews account for about 10 percent of the 5.2 million Jews in the United States and about 20 percent of synagogue-affiliated Jews) and the few who follow the Torah are the standard bearers. 

And yet, have you ever met or read about a Jew who is not merely "normal plus" but Yiddish through and through? The kind of person you can't imagine being anything other than religious? When we think about ourselves or people we know and we can say - hmm, yes, if they weren't Jewish or weren't religious, they would be pretty much the same, they'd be in the same profession or doing the same things minus the religious stuff, then to me that says that the commitment, the utter devotion to Hashem is lacking.  If we can view the two - the person and their Yiddishkeit - as separate items, then the love for Hashem is not "with all your heart(s), with all your soul, and with all your might."

What drives us?

 

I read that according to one popular author, the 5 most common things that drive our lives are: guilt, anger, fear, materialism, and approval.

Sounds too bleak to me. I would include love-connection.   And search for meaning.

What do you think drives us?