Life Isn't Fair, or Is It?

A popular book with insights as to how to keep little things from getting to us has a chapter called, "Surrender to the Fact that Life Isn't Fair."  It says that one of the mistakes we make is that we think life should be fair, or that some day it will be.  It's not and it won't, says the author.

It reminds me of the high school teacher who told us the same thing, "Life isn't fair."

Well, that a non-Jewish author claims this to be so is one thing, but that a frum Jew should say this?! If it was put, "Life doesn't seem fair, but Hashem is in charge, and He is perfectly fair," that would be altogether different.  But that is not what was said.

It says in parshas Haazinu, "Ha'tzur tamim pa'alo... tzaddik v'yashar hu" - Hashem's actions are perfect... He is righteous and straight. 

All of Shaar Ha'Bitachon in the Chovos Ha'Levavos is predicated on Hashem being all loving and doing what is best for us.  We believe that "gam zu l'tova" - this too, is for the good.

There are so many things in life that seem unfair to us.  As it was written in Pirkei Avos millenia ago, "R. Yanai says "Ein b'yadeinu lo mi'shalvas ha'resha'im v'lo mi'yisurei ha'tzaddikim", by which he means that - we cannot understand why on the one hand there are wicked people who live tranquil lives, while there are righteous people who suffer.  This is nothing new.  The reason we think life should be fair is because we have an innate sense that G-d is in charge and that He is good.  Ultimately, we will see how everything is as it should be.

There is a Medrash (Seder Ha'Doros) that tells how Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi asked Eliyahu Ha'Navi if he could accompany him.  Eliyahu refused, saying R' Yehoshua would not understand what he saw.  R' Yehoshua pleaded until Eliyahu agreed, on condition that as soon as R' Yehoshua began questioning him, they would part company.  R' Yehoshua saw some puzzling things but kept quiet until he couldn't restrain himself any more, at which time Eliyahu explained what he saw. 

There are answers, but we are not privy to them.  There is a famous story that is told (with various names) about someone who explained that the reason he enjoyed longevity is because he never questioned G-d.  He said, others ask, "why me?" and so on, and Hashem takes them from this world so their questions are answered. 

Life is fair.  May we merit to see how this is so with the coming of Moshiach.

The Pilot Light is Always On

It's the 9 Days and there are many things we do or not do to mourn the Mikdash.  How do we balance this with the injunction to serve Hashem with simcha? Should simcha be put on hold at this time of the year?

I heard a nice mashal to answer this.  If you remember the old gas stoves, you know that they had a pilot light inside that was always on, even if you hadn't turned on any of the fires to do some cooking.  So too, our simcha always has to be there, in the background, even as we are in this more somber time.  Perhaps a good modern version of this mashal would be putting your computer into a sleep state or hibernation when it's not completely off, or those programs that run in the background while you're working on something else.

So like the smiley face in the oven picture above, keep smiling!

Age is a State of Mind

I just received a special phone call. 

S is 87 today, 29 Tammuz, and she called to tell me it's her birthday and to bless me.  I take blessings from whoever wants to give them so her brachos were appreciated.

I told her that she's a role model for women decades younger than her.  S moves like a dancer.  She's light on her feet and graceful.  She drives, usually to shiurim.  She attends shiurim and gives shiurim.  She calls into radio shows and tries to make shidduchim.  She eats sparingly and follows an alternative health regimen.  She said she doesn't generally think about her age; when the thought occurs to her, she's startled.  Who me? 87?

We pray that Hashem grant S and all of us good health so that even as we age, we are as young as we feel and we should feel vibrant and eager to do more and more.  No retiring. 

Reverence for Parents - A Lost Midda?

As heard from the speaker:

She attended Gateshead Seminary and the school was going on a boating outing on Lag B'Omer.  She knew that her parents were opposed to her going on boats, even if it was a school activity and even if it was Lag B'Omer, so despite the importuning of her friends ("Your parents didn't mean this trip ...") and her great desire to join everyone else, she remained behind. 

She sat in the seminary and read until, to her enormous surprise and delight, there was a knock and there were her father and uncle! They had something to take care of in the vicinity and decided to drop in, unannounced, and see her.  Of course, had she gone on the trip, she would have missed seeing them and she felt oh so good, having followed what she knew her parents wanted her to do.

As heard from another speaker:

She grew up in a little town in Europe and there was a childless woman who would frequently give her rides on her bike.  One day, the woman came by to give her a ride, but her mother inexplicably refused to allow her to go.  Shockingly, the woman on the bike was in an accident and was killed.  Her mother had been guided by Heaven to protect her from going with the woman.

What I "took" from these stories, particularly the first one which involved a young lady, not a child, is how powerful family loyalty is, how priceless it is when children are proud and committed to doing as their parents say.  When a child of any age can say with pride that they do or don't do something, "Because that is what my parents do," the parents have done something right in the raising of this child.  The woman of the first story reveres her parents.  How many frum children today revere their parents? They may like their parents and think they're "cool," but reverence? Not doing what you know they wouldn't want you to do even if they are not around to see? Sounds like a firm foundation for yiras shomayim which entails not doing what Hashem doesn't want you to do, even if it doesn't look like He is around to see.

Seeking Inspiration

I've read a number of Artscroll biographies, which I've enjoyed. Maybe I've chosen to read about interesting personalities. I don't agree with the complaint that the subjects are boring and interchangeable. Anyone who has read the books about R' Shraga Feivel Mendlowitz, R' S.R. Hirsch, and R' Pam would have to agree that each one stands out as an individual and their biographies do not consist of: he was a child prodigy, he learned a lot, he learned some more and had students whom he taught.

In an interview, Rabbi Nosson Scherman, Artscroll's general editor, said, "Our goal is to increase Torah learning and yiras shamayim. If somebody can be inspired by a gadol b’Yisrael, then let him be inspired. Is it necessary to say that he had shortcomings? Does that help you become a better person? What about lashon hara? You know in today’s world, lashon hara is a mitzvah. Character assassination sells papers. That’s not what Klal Yisrael is all about."

Is it that I'm not remembering or are the critics exaggerating when they say - the subject was a child prodigy who held from every conceivable chumrah (stringency) and who never said a word of lashon harah.  One reads nothing about the obstacles within their families or society that they had to overcome to become the great people they became.

The reason I've been thinking about this is because I heard a lecture about the Cairo geniza in which they found writing by the Rambam.  The lecturer was very pleased to see that the Rambam doodled.  The geniza expert explained that Rambam's pen was running out of ink, he filled it, and made the squiggle before he continued writing.  The lecturer loves this as he sees it as making the Rambam human, a person like us.  He asks, does it do anyone a favor to read of a great Torah leader and how he mastered this and that at very young ages?

I don't understand his question.  Favor? If the man was a prodigy, should we hide that information? The fact is, the overwhelming majority of our great Torah leaders were brilliant and mastered unbelievable amounts of Torah before they were 20.  I like knowing that the Torah leaders who have shaped Jewish life were great intellectuals.  I also like to know that they were kind, but I see nothing wrong, on the contrary, I want to hear that our Torah greats were extraordinary men! The fact that the average child or person can't measure up to them in brilliance is just fine.  It's good to know our place.  That shouldn't deter the person looking for inspiration because it's there, if you want it.  I am reading the revised biography of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein.  Yes, he was brilliant but the average person can be inspired to be a masmid like him and as kind as him.  We can use these biographies as an excuse or an inspiration; the choice is ours.

Is Our Picking and Choosing Valid?

I am going to differentiate between the murders of the Fogel family and other terrorist attacks such as in the Chabad house in Bombay, and the murder of Leiby Kletzky which was done, sad to say, by a Jew. My question is, why aren't we even more shaken up by the legalized daily murder of Jews by Jews via abortion in Israel? According to the information I looked up, over 50,000 abortions are done yearly in Israel! In addition, there are, tragically, numerous Jews in jail in Israel for murder.

I understand that what shook people up with Leiby Kletzky is the fact that a child was supposed to meet his mother and instead, he trusted a Jewish man who took his life. This is indeed terrifying, but it seems to me that we, the frum community worldwide, pick and choose what constitutes a tragedy and what should be made a "big deal" of. Where is the outrage about the daily legalized murder of Jews in Eretz Yisrael? Where are the divrei chizuk and kinusim? Why are there numerous articles offering perspective and lessons to be learned about the Kletzky murder while other murders don't even register on our collective consciousness? Do some Jews count more than others? Do frum Jews care more if it's one of their own that is killed and is that right?

Refreshing!

I was pleasantly surprised to read in a May issue of Hamodia's magazine a little note appended to an article.  The article referred to ADD and this acryonym is followed by an asterisk and a note which says:

Attention deficit disorder or ADD/ADHD, is a psychological term currently applied to anyone who meets the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for impulsivity, hyperactivity and /or inattention.  The diagnostic criteria are subjective and include behavior that might be caused by a wide variety or factors, ranging from brain defects to allergies to giftedness.  ADD as currently defined is a highly subjective description, not a specific disease (http://www.borntoexplore.org/).

How refreshing! And how daring to include this when it was likely to result in letters screaming about the author's insensitivity.

For those who want to believe that normal children's inattention and behavior are medical disorders which often require medication, this definition is quite an affront.  After all, it says:

1) it's a "term" - not a medical diagnosis
2) "currently" - implying that we don't know for sure and the next DSM might not include it
3) "subjective" - as opposed to a real medical problem which can objectively be observed
4) it is a behavior that can have numerous reasons to explain it
5) it's not a disease

What Makes for Effective Teaching?

The psychologist, Dr. David Pelcovitz, often tells audiences of the following experiment. A school showed a video to young children about "stranger danger". The message was simple: don't accept rides from a stranger, don't accept gifts, etc. There was a brief question-and-answer period. The children seemed to "get it".

At the end of the day, the children exited the school where they saw a man with a van, who was asking some children to enter his van where he would show them his cute puppy. Most of the same children who saw that video entered the van!

I'm not going to address the topic of "stranger danger" here.  What I'm wondering about is why did the lesson fail? And it did fail.  The message did not get through.  And I don't think it's because (or only because) kids will be kids and they needed to hear the message many more times for it to penetrate.  Is it because the children were shown a video and that medium did not work for this message? How old were the children? Would the video have been more effective for a different age child? Maybe the factor that was missing was role playing.  If they would have asked the children, "What would you do if when you left school there was a man in a van who wanted to show you a cute puppy," would the same number of kids have entered the van?

An experiment like this should have educators questioning what makes for effective teaching.  We can't always measure that, particularly in the areas of emuna and yiras shomayim.  In this case, if all the children would have rejected the man's overtures, the lesson would have been proven to be a great success.  However, since most children entered the van, it was easy to see that the lesson failed.

We read so much these days about how girls and boys go through 12 years and more of Jewish education and too many of them emerge lacking basic knowledge of fundamentals.  Maybe the lesson from this experiment is that teachers and parents have to think of ways of really getting through to children and figuring out ways of assessing whether their lessons were effective and finetuning them if necessary.

Passionate About Food?!

I'm seeing one new Kosher Cooking magazine debuting after another (three so far, in addition to the recipe pages in the frum magazines and newspapers) and the comments I read hail this innovation as utterly marvelous.  Is it really all that marvelous though from either a spiritual or material perspective?

Obesity is skyrocketing so I'm not convinced that magazines devoted to FOOD is the best thing for us.  A recipe column in a magazine is a nice thing; an entire magazine devoted to food is another thing entirely! It is particularly irksome when the word "inspired" is used in one of the magazine titles.  Food is as "inspiring" as the latest hit song is "awesome".  The devaluation of the meaning of words is not doing us any good.

From a spiritual perspective, I fail to see how a title like "Dairy Decadence!" belongs in a publication targeting frum readers.  Nor "Unlimited Ways to Create the Ultimate Grill Fest." Should a frum publication be advertising itself as a "Gourmet Food Magazine for the Kosher Epicure"? Should a kosher magazine with a website describe itself as being "for people with good taste who are passionate about food"? Passionate about food?! Does this fit with anything we've learned in our Jewish studies? I think not.

R' Avraham David of Botshash, a posek and a Chasid of R' Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev, ate very little.  He would often say, "Eating makes a man unspiritual.  Adam sinned through eating; the angels maintain their lofty spiritual heights because they don't need to eat."

We need to eat, and Shabbos and Yom Tov are days that we honor and celebrate with special food.  Seudos mitzva are also occasions for special food.  However, it seems that our preoccupation with food and its presentation has gotten out of hand.  Special occasions like an upsheren, bar mitzva etc. are not reason enough to celebrate and a theme is sought.  I thought the upsheren, bar mitzva etc. are the theme!

I read an interview with a woman who has produced some popular cookbooks which I found quite distasteful (ha).  Her mission is to put gourmet, high-class kosher cooking into the hands of every cook, in an attempt to spark a renaissance in kosher cooking.   To me, this is Artscroll promoting "naval b'reshus ha'Torah."  As far as I know, neither the Chofetz Chaim nor any other gadol sees promoting gourmet kosher cooking as a way to bring Moshiach.

In terms of recipe hunting, this particular author says she leaves no stone unturned. Having mined the best of friends and family members' repertoires, she now works with seasoned chefs to develop novel and creative formulas. She's an avid reader of menus from kosher and non-kosher upscale restaurants. The chefs she invites to her home help her cook up exciting new recipes as she observes and takes notes.

Why are frum publishers glorifying this? Are we so lacking in recipes for good food that we need to "develop novel and creative" new ones? Or is it more likely that this is about making money and without new and exciting recipes (what's an exciting recipe?) there are no new cookbooks and no sales.  And this also explains the outrageous recent advertisement by a "gourmet kosher supermarket" that was in such poor taste (ha).  We can sustain gourmet kosher supermarkets because we buy the cookbooks that present us with recipes with gourmet ingredients.  Then we sustain the gastric bypass industry, nutritionists, the eating disorder programs, personal trainers, and weight loss programs ... and wonder why we feel spiritually empty.

I'm in favor of good cooking. I'm in favor of making special things for Shabbos and Yom Tov.  I'm in favor of showing not-yet religious Jews that kosher cooking is delicious.  But I don't think we need a renaissance in our cooking or an entire aisle of kosher snack food and another aisle of kosher cookies, and I do think we, as a frum society, need to put food in perspective and use it in positive ways, in our service of Hashem.

Hashem Caused It to Come About

The way I think of the Kletzky tragedy is, as Rashi says in parshas Mishpatim on the words "v'ha'Elokim ina l'yado" (Hashem caused it to come about): Two men, one who killed inadvertently and one who killed intentionally and there were no witnesses to these acts so the one who killed intentionally wasn't put to death and the one who killed inadvertently was not exiled to the Ir Miklat.


Hashem brings them together at one inn and the one who had killed intentionally sits under a ladder and the one who had killed inadvertently climbs the ladder and falls on the one who killed intentionally and kills him. Witnesses testify to this and the court sends him to exile, to an Ir Miklat.

Consequently, the one who killed inadvertently is exiled and the one who killed intentionally is killed.

In summary: Hashem arranged it all.

***
We don't know what took place in previous gilgulim but the yad Hashem is obvious here in that He sent Leiby directly to the person who killed him. Leiby could have met his parents. He could have asked someone else for directions. But Hashem set this up. Why? We don't know what cheshbonos were at work here. Not that this absolves the killer. But to think of this as happenstance (as the police commissioner did) is not only wrong but not at all comforting; on the contrary, it is much more frightening to believe that there are random acts of violence. G-d runs the world and all is accounted for.

The "Three Weeks" begin today.  On Tisha B'Av, one of the kinos describes the "Ten Martyrs," the ten great rabbis who were brutally murdered by the Romans.  The ten rabbis are said to correspond to the ten shevatim and they were killed, says the Medrash, for selling Yosef over a thousand years earlier! Great souls are sometimes snatched from us for reasons we don't know.  There are accounts to be settled and the only consolation is that "ha'tzur tamim pa'alo" - Hashem's ways are perfect and precise.

Noticing the Good

The following two incidents happened within the span of two minutes  

Scene 1:
I saw a Chassid standing and talking to a non-Jewish black woman who was clearly in need of help in finding the address on the paper she held.  She was not dressed modestly, i.e. was sleeveless etc.

Scene 2:
A Chassid was about to enter a building when he saw an elderly person being pushed in a wheelchair by her aide.  He held the door open for them.

Two "random" scenes but nothing is random.  Let's remember these acts of kindness on the part of Jews who look obviously like Jews.  Oftentimes these small good deeds are overshadowed by rhetoric in which "ultra-Orthodox Jews" are stereotyped as rude.  There is plenty of good among us.  We need to be on the lookout for it and we'll see it.

School - Then and Now

A woman from Hungary described what school was like there:

"Schools in those days (in the 50's) were very different from today.  Public schools had professional educators who were experts in their academic fields, and were fierce disciplinarians.  They were there to teach, and we were there to learn.  We truly feared them.  There was no talking back or fooling around.  They did not care about making us feel good, nor were they interested in our self-esteem.  They never praised us.  We were called by our last names.  We were like little soldiers in boot camp."

Is there any evidence that the school system today produces children who are any more well-adjusted, more knowledgeable, with greater character?

I am not in favor of school being a terrifying place but there is much to praise in a school system that fosters respect for authority, conformity to the rules, proper behavior, and an atmosphere in which one learns! From our perspective, these are vital lessons for life as Torah Jews.  Is it a coincidence that just as frum schools and homes are adopting the touchy-feely values of modern-day psychology that we are reading more and more about children who are acting out, dropping out, hurting themselves, and are miserable?

So, You Want A Boycott ...

http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/02/why-health-authorities-are-so-worried-about-europes-mutant-e-coli-outbreak/

News item: Why Health Authorities Are So Worried About Europe's Mutant E. Coli Outbreak

By Bryan Walsh Thursday, June 2, 2011

Health officials were worried enough about an unusually virulent outbreak of food-borne illness from the E. coli bacteria, which has infected more than 1,500 people in Germany and killed at least 17. But the concern jumped to another level on Thursday when the World Health Organization (WHO) announced that the responsible pathogen was a strain of E. coli that they believe had never before been seen by scientists.

News item:
http://www.eip-news.com/2011/03/germany-do-not-buy-from-jews-or-boycott-israel/

BERLIN, March 16, 2011 – (EJPost) Germans “Kauft nicht bei Juden!” (“Do not buy from Jews!”) - under that name the National-Socialist regime staged his boycott of Jewish businesses and factories in 1933.

In today’s Germany you can no longer say that, because it is forbidden. But what will you do as a staunch “S“ocialist “A“ctivist in Germany, if you’re a Jew hater, and do not want to be punished, but want to be progressive in a modern sense?

Simply hide your anti-Semitism under a new cloak and call it “anti-Zionism” – then you can ideologically clean, stand with signs in front of shops and calling for a boycott of Israeli products.

On March 11, at 4 pm a guard of activists from the Bremen-Peace-Forum (Arbeitsgruppe Nahost), positioned itself before the REWE-market in the Wachmannstrasse, in the city district of Bremen-Schwachhausen.

With posters, they called for a boycott of Israeli goods, distributed Information material and tried to talk with passers. On the Posters you could also read the slogan, “Save the Palestinian people”. (To what Palestinians are able to do and what we must know about the Palestinian people, can be found here… )

Their reasons: “Israel holds the West Bank occupied for decades, contrary to numerous UN resolutions, more and more illegal jewish settlements be built and Israel exports the harvested fruits from there. They say this is all against international law and the exports from the occupied territories are illegal”.

Today's News Item: Produce farmers across the European Union are hurting, as consumers have stopped buying vegetables and fruits, afraid that anything might carry the pathogen. The situation may only worsen; Russia announced an immediate ban on all European fresh produce in response to the outbreak. Although the E.U. has protested, if Russia holds up its ban, it will hurt: the Russian market for European produce is worth $5.5 billion a year.

After numerous calls for boycotts of Israeli produce and goods from numerous European countries, Europeans are getting a taste of their own medicine.

Finger Pointing in the Wrong Direction

A rabbi is quoted as saying, "Cell phones have wrought devastation in people's lives.  Before the advent of cell phones, we would never have believed that people could stoop to such levels of rudeness and worse." 

He doesn't think people necessarily have to get rid of their phones (that would be a futile goal) but says, "If a person feels that his cell phone is beneficial or indispensable, he does not have to discard it, but he cannot become a slave to it.  A cell phone does not have to be attached to him at all times.  Nothing will happen if he leaves it at home when it is not absolutely necessary."

Seems to me that the problem is not the cell phone at all.  For just as knives and fire and numerous other even more innocuous items can be used for the most beneficial purposes or in harmful ways, cell phones are no different.

The issue is one of discipline with which we, as a generation, are struggling.  Lack of discipline is adversely affecting us in numerous areas of our lives and cell phone usage is yet another way we demonstrate our lack of control.  So it's not the poor phone that should be vilified for wreaking destruction but we ourselves.  It's not helpful to shift the blame.  Let's confront ourselves and see where in our lives we need to "tighten up" the discipline and take responsibility for our actions.

Say "May I"

 

Two reasons for Restricted Refrigerator Access:

1) As related by Shaya Ostrov: A rosh yeshiva wanted to help his children understand that we don't "just exist."  Everything in life is a gift.  He told R' Ostrov that when his children were young, they were taught not to go to the refrigerator and take any food without first asking permission.  "We never refused them.  They just needed to remember to ask."  His reason was that a child needs to learn that nothing in life is a given.  Everything we have is a precious gift for which we need to experience gratitude.

R' Ostrov goes on to say: When a child is hungry, he says to himself, "I am hungry and therefore I will eat."  This translates into, "I am hungry and therefore entitled to eat -es kumt mir."  Of course, children need to feel secure in knowing that they will always be cared for, loved and fed.  However this rosh yeshiva did not want his children to confuse their need with the feeling of entitlement that leads to taking.  The rosh yeshiva was teaching his children that the gift of food can never be taken for granted, "I'm hungry, so I'm just eating what is rightfully mine."  The attitute of the child who believes that the food he is holding is his because, "I was hungry and I took it," is very different from that of the child who believes that the food was given as a gift from his parents because, "I was hungry and my parents understood this and they love and care for me."

2) As related by Rabbi MM Gluckowsky: "I remember when I was a child, we were not only not encouraged to be independent, we weren't allowed to be independent. We could not open the fridge without permission! We weren't considered mature enough to make decisions about what and when to eat without parental involvement, and we weren't! There were strongly enforced rules ...Somebody older and wiser was making decisions for us and we had to abide."

The emphasis here was on teaching obedience, rather than the currently very popular goal of encouraging independence.

****
It is likely that the parents in both these examples would be condemned by many as control freaks.  Perhaps we as a society wouldn't be suffering from obesity-compulsive eating and many other problems due to feelings of entitlement and/or lack of discipline if we were raised with some more control!