Just Being There

We are very much results oriented people, which is often quite good and useful.  Then there are times that results are not necessary and just being there is perfect. 

I read an example of this in an old Binah article.  The author said she discovered the value in being there when her eight and a half year old son told her that all his friends' mothers picked them up from school and he was the only one who had a babysitter pick him up.

She was happy to be able to rearrange her schedule to be able to pick up her son.  The day she showed up, all the children were running around in the front of the school building while the mothers stood and talked.  Her son saw her and instead of coming up to her, he continued playing with his friends.

He then started walking down the street with his friends in the direction of home while she trailed behind.  When they arrived home, she asked him why he had wanted her to pick him up when he had ignored her the entire time.  She had expected him to run over to her and walk home with her as he told her about his day.

He said, "That's what supposed to happen.  You're supposed to talk to the other mothers and I'm supposed to play with my friends and then run home ahead with you following me."

I found this fascinating.  It is possible that if other boys were picked up by babysitters too, her son would not have cared if his babysitter came to get him, and this was only about being like the other boys.  But perhaps it went beyond that.  Perhaps it was about the wonderful feeling of security he felt, knowing his mother was there.  He did not need to interact with her at that point because his friends were there and he wanted to play with them and walk with them.  But even as he did that, his mother was there, within sight.

Parents underestimate how valuable their mere presence is.  Some think, he or she is just a baby.  What real difference does it make who diapers them or holds them, as long as they are changed and held.  They're wrong.  Even babies need their mother, their father, close family members, not hired help.  As a Russian woman said to me, Russian parents went to work while the grandmother took care of their child(ren), and no outsider cares as much as her.  And the child knows the difference.

My Father, My Mother and Me

Highly recommended reading is Rebbetzin Samet's, My Father, My Mother, and Me (Artscroll).  In the format she used in her first excellent book, on the topic of judging others favorably,

she intersperses the halachos with terrific, true stories on the subject.  Her second book, on the same subject of judging favorably, consisted entirely of true stories:

Nobody Can Help or Harm Me

I keep going back to the conundrum of hishtadlus as I wrote about: here.  The Chovos Ha'Levavos in the Shaar Ha'Bitachon says, nobody can do anything to help or harm you other than Hashem, who has complete control over everything.

With the three kidnapped boys on our minds, I thought -  nobody can do anything to harm them unless Hashem allows it.  At the same time, those running the country are obligated to take the necessary steps to defend the people.

The story of how Hatzoloh came to be has to do with a man named Weber seeing that the usual response time of an ambulance was 20 minutes, too long, sometimes, to help someone in distress.  Hatzoloh is a wonderful organization, and one that I've given money to many times, but my same question applies.  Hashem is in charge.  He decides how long someone will live.  Speedier response times don't change Hashem's plans.  We are not in control.  So what is gained with speedier response times?

There are medical referral organizations that guide people so they can pick the best doctor.  Judaism says a doctor has permission to heal, and some of our great people have been doctors, but if only Hashem can heal, then why do look for the best doctor? Why not look for a board certified, decent doctor? It seems to me that we can be much more sincere in our bitachon if we don't seek the best doctor but find someone adequate and truly rely on Hashem.

Maintaining Dignity

In today's day and age, maintaining dignity is not high on people's list of priorities.  People (out in the world) dress in undignified ways, talk in undignified ways, and share personal information that undermines their dignity. 

R' Avigdor Miller was known for his shoot from the hip style.  He famously said, don't tell your spouse about the C you got in chemistry! People tell derogatory information about themselves for no purpose, seemingly for the sake of "being honest" and "accept me as I am."  R' Miller saw no purpose in this; on the contrary, he considered it detrimental.

He also told his Beis Yaakov students, not to wash the floor when their husbands were around.  No doubt, this was to preserve their dignity, especially back in the day when floors were washed on hands and knees.

It is an act of Ahavas Yisrael when we protect a person's dignity, by not looking at things that shouldn't be stared at, by ignoring those things that people say or do that are silly, by enabling them to maintain a façade and not "blowing their cover." 

Mitzva Intentions

The story is told about a Kotzker Chassid walking on the road, trudging along in the snow on his way to Kotzk, when a fancy carriage stopped nearby.  The man in the carriage offered the Chassid a ride.

The Chassid said, okay, if you pay me 200 zloty.

Huh? said the man on the wagon.  I am offering you a ride.

Uh huh.  So I want 200 zloty.

But why? I am doing you a favor!

Said the Chassid: You don't really care about me.  Just as you pay for an esrog and just as you pay for matza, so too, you should pay for this mitzva of giving me a ride!

Ahavas Yisrael means to genuinely care for another person.  That's the mitzva: V'ohavta l'rei'acha kamocha. 

Are they "Our Boys" or "Their Boys"?

Jews all over the world care about the three kidnapped boys.  I am sure of that.

That being said, I wonder how many people saw the headlines on Friday about "yeshiva boys kidnapped," and had a certain image in their minds which was dispelled when they saw what the boys look like. 

Oh.  Yeshiva boys don't necessarily wear black hats. 

I wondered: what if the boys' pictures showed them wearing black hats and white shirts? You know, "our kind" of yeshiva boys ... whether "yeshivish" or "chassidish." Would our personal reaction be any different? Would our community's reaction be any different?

I saw the photos of the mass tefilla at the Kosel.  I saw lots and lots of hatless people.  Knitted kippa wearing people.  Almost no black hats.  Where were the all "black hats" when this asifa took place? Why weren't they at the Kosel too? Because "their" black-hatted leaders did not tell them to go? Why not?

Even as we unite in praying for the safe return of the boys, I see disunity amongst us.  Unity and disunity.

Setting a Standard

I heard an interesting thought from Rabbi Aharon Dovid Gancz of Monsey.  Someone he was mekarev told him about a problem he had.  The mekurav's father kept kosher to a minimum standard and this son of his felt he could not trust his kashrus.  His father was upset.  How dare his son not trust him, and was his son holier than him, and why did his son have to keep a higher standard, wasn't his standard good enough?

R' Gancz asked him, would your father understand if I did not eat in his house? The man said sure, you are a rabbi.  So R' Gancz said, the problem then is, that you are not a rabbi.  Don't blame your father!

R' Gancz says he uses this concept often, in tznius for example.  We need to be so inculcated with the midda and mindset of tznius that nobody would dare behave or dress otherwise in our presence; they would feel uncomfortable to do so.  He calls for "raising the bar" in all areas.

It has been noted that the same people who seemingly have no qualms about dressing inappropriately among other religious Jews, would behave respectfully if they were invited to the home of Japanese who asked them to remove their shoes.  Why is this so? I think R' Gancz has the answer.  The Japanese set a tone which most people would be loathe to violate.  Also, as guests, they would not want to insult their hosts.  Amongst ourselves though, we feel like the brothers and sisters which we are, and "Don't tell me what to do!"

Even More Examples

continued from previous post

According to the Arizal, sweating in the preparation of matzos is a tikun for sin and sweating in the preparations for Shabbos is a source of kapara like tears.

The sweat and energy one expends in preparing for Pesach can destroy evil malachim and provide a person with tikun (Kav Ya'Yashar perek 90).

The Tzemch Tzedek declined his grandfather (the Baal Ha'Tanya)'s offer of a bracha for an understanding of Torah, reasoning initially that acquiring Torah needs to be through toiling.  He later regretted this, saying that since Torah is infinite, so no matter how much the bracha would do for him, there was still limitless room for growth.

Likewise, using the available anthologies, compilations, and encyclopedias doesn't mean that effort cannot be applied to learning on a deeper level.

This, and the examples in the previous posts, make me think of ready-made oil and wicks for the Chanuka menorah, ready-made ten pieces of chometz, ready-made salt water, pop-up succas and schach mats, roll-back roofs with no need to construct a succa. 

Should challos be homemade or bought?

Does it make a difference if Shabbos foods are homemade or bought? After all, it's not a "given" that homemade always equals a superior Shabbos experience. 

Sometimes family and guests don't even know the difference if you've made something or bought it! In that case, for the person who made it, making it was significant, it was part of their Shabbos preparations, but for the others? It may make little or no impact (for another angle see: this post )

Then again, if Mommy's special culinary efforts delight her family and guests and they know it can't be bought in a store, it greatly adds to oneg Shabbos and appreciation for her work.

More Examples of Exertion

continued from two posts ago about Exertion

1) In "Once Upon a Chassid" on parshas Naso, there is the story of an old Chassid who refused to drive to Lubavitch but walked despite the difficulty, figuring this is the only zechus he will have, and he doesn't want to share it with a horse. He brings the story on the pasuk which describes Kehas carrying the keilim for the Mishkan on his shoulder rather than on wagons like Gershon and Merari, as Rashi says - because they were carrying holy things, it had to be carried on their shoulder.

2) Rashi parshas Bo 12:34 – they put the remaining pieces of matza and maror on their shoulders even though they had many animals, because they cherished the mitzva.

3) R' Ben-tzion Yadler, a well-known maggid in Yerushalayim, told this story:

I once went with the Rav [Kook] to pay a sick call to one of the founders of the Mussar movement, the brilliant and righteous R' Yitzchok Blazer of Petersburg who lived in Yerushalayim at the end of his life.

Since it was a long walk, I offered to take him by coach.  He refused, saying, "To perform the mitzva of bikur cholim for the sake of a great Torah scholar, I want to go by foot."

4) R' Moshe Alshich comments on the pasuk that tells us to wear tzitzis and assures us that by doing so, we will, "See it and recall all the mitzvos of G-d and perform them." He points out that the reality would appear to be otherwise. Many people wear tzitzis and yet ignore mitzvos on a regular basis?

The Alshich explains that, indeed, merely donning a four-cornered garment that happens to have strings hanging from its corners, will do little to prevent against sin. After all, what special power does such a garment possess to enable us to fend off the overtures of the yetzer hara? Rather, what the Torah intended is for a person to first recognize that he is in the midst of a fierce battle with his yetzer hara and that he needs all the weapons he can muster in this battle. He then must decide that one of the weapons he'll employ in the battle will be a garment that will serve as constant reminder of the need to be vigilant and fight off the yetzer harrah. He then must set about creating such a garment by tying tassels to the four corners of his garment and then, each time he wears the garment and sees the tassels, he'll be reminded of his objective. One who approaches the mitzvah of tzitzis in this manner, will certainly be reminded constantly of the mitzvos and find it a very effective tool against the persistent onslaught of the yetzer hara.

In this comment, Alshich teaches us an important rule about mitzvos and their intended effect. In order to fully experience the benefits of a mitzvah, one must fully engage himself in the performance of the mitzvah. Merely "fulfilling" the mitzvah through an expedited process utilizing off-the-shelf components that have little personal meaning to the individual, will fail to inspire the person or elevate him spiritually. Creating a pair of tzitzis from scratch with the understanding that it is meant to achieve a specific goal, is the only way to reap the benefits from the tzitzis; not by donning a manufactured garment that happens to meet the halachic specifications.

The Soul of a Yid

Chaim Grade (1910-1982) was a famous European writer who wrote in Yiddish.  He grew up religious but later left religious practice.

However, it was interesting to see how a lapsed Yid thinks when I read these two anecdotes in an old Ami magazine from 2011 which were taken from the winter 2011 Jewish Review of Books:

1) Grade was overheard talking on the phone about his Pesach seder.  When someone expressed surprise that he celebrated with a seder he said, "Avadeh! Vos meinstu, ich bin a goy?!" (Of course! what do you think I am, a goy?!)

Even more intriguing is this one:

2) Grade said, "I can pick up a Chumash and study it without wearing a yarmulke, but when I look into Rashi, in Chumash or Gemara, heibt mir on der kup tzu brennen" (my head begins to burn).

What is True Exertion?

 

A number of years ago, someone wrote an article in a Jewish publication about how wonderful it is that we now have the computer capability to quickly search and find what we're looking for, while learning Torah.

The way he put it was, "no more wasting precious time trying to locate the Rambam, Shulchan Aruch etc", and "no more time wasted finding a sefer or trying to figure out the translation of difficult words."

There was a response in the next issue which took exception to the whole article, bringing up the issue of having computers altogether, as well as the issue of ameilus ba'Torah (exertion in Torah study), that clicking a couple of times to find a source eliminates ameilus ba'Torah.

The author's response was 1) that which is invented can be used for good or bad 2) it got approval from gedolim etc. and 3) "ameilus" does not really refer to hours spent looking around for the right sefer or trying to figure out a translation. He called that bittul zman (wasting time).

My question is: what is true ameilus or yegiah (exertion)?

Over the years, I've collected examples of people exerting themselves for a mitzva when their actions are ostensibly unnecessary:

The story of the Rebbe walking to get mayim sh'lanu (water for matza baking) when overtaken by another Rebbe in a wagon who asked him to join him on the wagon. The one walking said he didn't want to share the mitzva with a horse.

What is the justification for saying this? Would he really be sharing his mitzva with the horse if he rode rather than walked? And maybe if he conserved energy by riding, he could learn more Torah later on?

Or in "Guardian of Jerusalem", p. 134 , R' Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld says he doesn't want to get into the carriage because, "We are involved in saving a Jew's life. I prefer to perform this mitzva on my own, without the help of a carriage."

Or R' Y.Y. Herman ("All for the Boss"), who got out of the wagon to walk in the mud to the Chofetz Chaim.

Or Chasidim walking to their Rebbe instead of riding, or walking to the Kosel (in a story written by Meir Wikler) which took all day for Reb Elya. Was that a waste of time? Maybe he should have taken a taxi and spent the rest of the day learning?

Or the Terumas Ha'Deshen (who precedes the Beis Yosef and is constantly quoted) who objected to the "lazy susan" (a revolving platform) in the beis medrash to make it easier to get sefarim. He certainly wouldn't approve a Torah CD Rom!

Then there is the Gemara in  Menachos about the rav who went to talmid to learn something he (the rav) forgot. Why did he go to the talmid rather than the talmid going to his teacher? Because the yegia would help him.

more examples to follow

What Was Gained?

There's a pattern in history which puzzles me. To give some recent examples: Hashem imposes Communism on vast areas which contain millions of Jews. Judaism and its observance is forbidden. This goes on for about seventy years, and countless Jews are lost to their people by marrying out and death. The rest know next to nothing about Judaism.

Then the Iron Curtain comes down and Judaism is slowly being revived.

So what was the point of taking it away, only to bring it back decades later?

Another example: Hashem makes life in Eastern Europe so miserable with poverty, persecution and pogroms that millions of Jews emigrate to America where most of them drop Yiddishkeit. Now we have kiruv organizations bringing back the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of those original Jews to Judaism. So why take it away to begin with?

Yemenites and most Jews from North African countries lived religious or at least traditional lives. Then they were taken to Israel or had to flee to Israel and had Yiddishkeit torn away from them by their fellow Jews, r'l. Now we are being mekarev their children and grandchildren. So what was the point in G-d arranging for their Yiddishkeit to be taken away, only to give it back years later after so much fall-out?

 

This is mostly a rhetorical question since we cannot know the ways of Hashem, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts."  There is the idea of a "descent for the sake of an ascent," though I cannot see how it applies here. 

Results or Effort?

Nowadays, when it comes to test results (and June is around the corner) the emphasis on results is often decried, with the new view maintaining that effort is what counts.

I disagree with this view. I think that's what tests are for, to see if you have mastered the material. Some master it more easily than others, but the point of tests is to measure mastery of the material.  For example, either you pass your driving test or you fail.  Effort doesn't count.

How much effort someone puts into mastering classroom material is another matter. Years ago you got marked for your mastery of a subject and there was a separate grade for effort or shekida though did you ever wonder how teachers were supposed to assess the amount of effort you put in?

On the one hand the mishna in Avos says, "it's not for you to finish the work, nor are you free to desist from it" which would support the position that effort is what counts, not results.

We also know that a good thought is reckoned like an action.

On the other hand, if a person tries to obtain matza (or an esrog etc.) for Pesach and doesn't manage to get any, although Heaven will give him credit for trying, he didn't do the mitzva and did not bring about the spiritual results of a mitzva! This supports the position that results are what count, and effort, though laudable, is not good enough.

Process or results ...

The Yeshiva Myth

According to the "yeshiva world," the "Yeshiva Movement," as they call it, is attributed to the Gra because his talmid, R' Chaim of Volozhin (1749-1821) started a yeshiva. His yeshiva is considered the " Mother of All Yeshivos," as though yeshivos didn't exist before he started his own. This is untrue of course, as anybody who has read any historical accounts knows, and I'm not talking about the yeshivos in Sura and Pumbedisa in Gemara times or the yeshiva of Shem and Ayver ...

But this is part of the Litvish worldview, that they invented yeshivos and modern day learning, with the proper "derech," and all.

The Maharal (1520-1609) had a yeshiva.

Pinsk had a yeshiva. R' Shimon, a colleague of the renowned Maharshal (1510-1574), headed this yeshiva. After his passing, his son R' Refael succeeded him. When R' Moshe Yaffe became rav of Pinsk, he was also appointed head of the yeshiva."

There were yeshivos in Ostrohe, Brisk, Slutzk, Minsk, Vilna, Cracow, and Prague. [yes, I know some of these are Lithuanian towns. The point is they existed before the Volozhiner yeshiva.]

 

There were renowned yeshivos in Lublin in the time of the Maharsha (1555-1631) and the Maharam (1558-1616). The latter headed yeshivos in Lublin, Cracow, and Lvov, and had hundreds of talmidim.

The Maharshal (1510-1573) headed a great yeshiva in Lublin.

 

Likewise, later on, around the time of W.W. II, there were dozens of yeshivos in Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Romania that had nothing to do with the Lithuanian yeshivos.

 

I found it very interesting that outside the yeshiva in Pressburg, the yeshiva of Pupa was the most organized and biggest yeshiva in all of Europe.

When the Nazis closed the yeshivos in Czechoslovakia, there was an overflow of boys on a waiting list for this yeshiva. In 1942 the yeshiva was already severely overcrowded; about 350 students were occupying rooms intended for 250. These were students 18 and older. (taken from an account of someone who learned there in 1942)

I grew up hearing about the Mir, Slobodka, Kelm, Baranovitch, and Radin but Pupa? Don't recall that it was even mentioned ...

I don't see how the structure and curriculum of the yeshiva of Volozhin, were unique. How did it differ from any of the yeshivos mentioned above? Why does it deserve the title "Mother of All Yeshivos?"

More on Health and Hishtadlus

follow-up to previous post

I have read many times where someone in Eretz Yisrael, when asked about living in a dangerous place or during war time, responded with: If my time is up, it's up no matter where I am.

That sounds correct because we know that Dovid Ha'Melech, for example, was allotted a certain number of years, and so too, for all of us.

However, on Rosh Hashana we say, "You apportion a set time for all Your creatures ... who will live and who will die; mee b'kitzo u'mee lo b'kitzo - who will die at his predestined time and who before his time ..."

Oh, so there is such a thing as dying before your designated time.  How does that happen? By smoking? Not using a seatbelt? By consuming sugar and not enough vegetables? By being sedentary?

"Ein somchin al ha'neis" - we do not rely on miracles.  It is easy to explain this by saying, don't cross a major highway blindfold.  The problem is, when it comes to ordinary activities, we each decide what our definition of "reasonable" is.  For some people, it is not normal to do an activity just for the sake of exercise; they think that going about one's normal activities is enough.  Others regularly walk, swim, cycle, and take an exercise class for their health.  Some people think nutritional supplements are a must; others think it's enough to eat a balanced diet (and they decide what a balanced diet is).  Some think having an annual physical and screening tests are the norm while others don't visit a doctor unless a particular reason to do so arises. 

We pick what is comfortable for us, what we like doing, and if we are obedient and disciplined types we do as current medical knowledge advises (although doctors contradict one another), and it's usually a combination of these.  And then we think we are "balanced" and doing the right thing.  And we feel in control.  And we're not.

a related post: here