Experiencing the Seder

 

Rabbi Doniel Katz:

 

"Pesach is a 'get out of jail free' card, a jail break for your soul.  Every challenge that you have can be turned around in a few moments at the Pesach seder and this is the purpose of the Pesach seder.  It is not about going through the details.

 

"I remember Pesach seders in which all that was discussed was - is the matza enough, how big is the kos, I didn't lean - do I need to lean again ...  Our actions must be done according to Halacha because then we know we are maximizing the spiritual potency.  Halacha allows us to capture the 'lights' coming down from the spiritual world and create vessels with our thoughts, speech, and actions.  The gift of the Pesach seder is we move through a halachic process and this is in order to set up a spiritual opportunity and vessel.  The goal is to set things up so we know what we're doing, but we can't get into the spiritual small-mindedness of am I getting it right, did I eat enough matza at the right time.  Once we know we've gotten it halachically right, we need to open our minds and hearts to the experience.

 

"I Hate, with a capital H, giving over explanations of the Pesach seder at the Pesach seder, because you're not supposed to be there explaining things, what is this about, what is that about, you're not supposed to be reading the Haggada for the first time ('I can't wait to turn to the next page to see what happens' ...) You are supposed to know it all already, and now (at the seder) you are taking it from Head to Heart.  The Pesach seder is about Experiencing it ("chayav adam lir'os es atzmo ...").

 

"You have those individuals who are just trying to get through it.  Then there are those who are trying to get the maximum spiritual experience out of it and get OCD about it and many people get depressed at the Pesach seder because their expectations are so high and are not being met.  Sometimes, the more you hear about the spiritual potential, the more disappointed you get.  You may be enslaved to what you think the Pesach seder is supposed to be.  The best way to catch the energy of joy and freedom is to embrace the moment, not need it to be anything." 

Message from Zlata Press

Long ago, I read in the now defunct Horizons magazine, an article called "Our Core Belief," by Zlata Press, principal of a girls high school. I no longer have the issue but here are some points I jotted down from it about what Mrs. Press called, "the single most powerful lesson I've ever given."

 

She says high school performance has zero value in predicting accomplishment and success in adult life.

Not only can weak students can become wonderful wives and mothers and/or rich businesswomen.

That of course, but more -

Weak students have flowered into successful performers in the academic world!

She asks, what accounts for the dramatic turnaround? She says, sometimes sheer will and hard work.

Often, taking four college or sem classes instead of ten a term in high school.

Some need time to mature.

Others need to develop work habits.

College offers promise of a successful adult career which is motivating.

For some, the change occurs when they enter high school.

For others, the senior year.

For many, years later.

What to do about those who are miserable now?

She says, parents ask us to push less, expect less, but experience says this is not a good idea.

And interpersonal strengths, talent are not adequate replacements (despite those who extol school performances for that reason).

She says: It is our challenge as mechanchim to create the environment that is most conducive to children learning, of realistic but challenging expectations.

 

In a follow-up article, the author adds that those who are good students need to know that an entire area of adult life – family and community – have nothing to do with academic success!

The 99 on the chemistry quiz won’t help you to be an understanding, flexible, wise wife or a patient, creative, and dedicated mother.

Lots of food for thought both for the academically successful high school student and the unsuccessful.

You Deserve It!

Three ads in frum publications:

"Every patient deserves a masterpiece" - cosmetic dentistry to improve your smile

"Because you deserve it" - a wig

"Every girl deserves a shadchan who cares" - shadchanim for girls ages 23-30

***
Each of these ads rubs me wrong, even the shadchan ad.

Don't Limit Him

In a pre-Rosh Hashana call to someone, I made reference to the idea that although I daven for certain things, Hashem knows better than me what to give me.  I have limited ideas and if I limit my prayers to just those items, I will be shortchanging myself. 

The person agreed and responded with two stories.  In the first story, a young man began coughing and when he had it checked out, was told the devastating news that there was a mass on his lungs.  They could not even biopsy it because of the fear that this would cause cancer cells to spread.

He went in for surgery and before long, the doctor came out beaming.  He said, you'll never believe this.  There is a gland called the thymus gland which is right underneath the breastbone.  At the onset of puberty it begins shrinking.  For some reason, in this 25 year old man it had not shrunk and that was the mass that they saw.  No threat to life whatsoever.

In the second story, a mammogram showed a lump.  Another mammogram was ordered.  It still looked problematic.  There is the prayer that it be benign.

Another test was ordered, a rather uncomfortable one.  As it was being done, the technician or doctor seemed to be experiencing difficulties.  What's the problem? Well, there is no lump there at all.

So we daven for surgery to go well instead of praying for no surgery; we daven that the lump be benign instead of no lump; we have kleine kep and we circumscribe G-d in a tiny box and ask for petty results.  G-d has no restrictions; let's not project our restrictions on Him.

Setting a Standard

I heard an interesting thought from Rabbi Aharon Dovid Gancz of Monsey.  Someone he was mekarev told him about a problem he had.  The mekurav's father kept kosher to a minimum standard and this son of his felt he could not trust his kashrus.  His father was upset.  How dare his son not trust him, and was his son holier than him, and why did his son have to keep a higher standard, wasn't his standard good enough?

R' Gancz asked him, would your father understand if I did not eat in his house? The man said sure, you are a rabbi.  So R' Gancz said, the problem then is, that you are not a rabbi.  Don't blame your father!

R' Gancz says he uses this concept often, in tznius for example.  We need to be so inculcated with the midda and mindset of tznius that nobody would dare behave or dress otherwise in our presence; they would feel uncomfortable to do so.  He calls for "raising the bar" in all areas.

It has been noted that the same people who seemingly have no qualms about dressing inappropriately among other religious Jews, would behave respectfully if they were invited to the home of Japanese who asked them to remove their shoes.  Why is this so? I think R' Gancz has the answer.  The Japanese set a tone which most people would be loathe to violate.  Also, as guests, they would not want to insult their hosts.  Amongst ourselves though, we feel like the brothers and sisters which we are, and "Don't tell me what to do!"

The Power of Expectations

Sara Rigler wrote an intriguing article in the May issue of Ami magazine.  She said that Rebbetzin Kramer, the subject of a book that she wrote, see here, would call newly religious women who visited her "tzadekes."  At first, she thought her naïve but as she got to know her, she saw that Reb. Kramer could not be fooled.

She concluded that the rebbetzin's motivation was to convince people that they could actually become a tzadekes.  She saw it in them. 

Sara Rigler goes on to relate a story about how she realized her 15 year old son was in the wrong yeshiva when his rebbi did not see him in a good light.  If his rebbi did not view him favorably, he could not guide her son to becoming great.  She concludes, "The lesson the rebbetzin taught me [is] that the people in your life become the vision you hold of them ..."

She then tells two marriage stories.  She met two women who had married serious learning boys and had been kollel wives until their husbands announced they were no longer believers.

One wife divorced.  Ten years later, her anti-religious husband is a terrible influence on their children.

The other wife considered divorce but then read something that convinced her that it wasn't a good idea.  She decided that she would make it the best marriage she could and that this entailed respecting her husband.  This wife believed in her husband, thanked him for what he did, complimented him in front of the children for how he cared for his father and ignored what he did wrong.  Ten years later, he did not return to what he once was but he was going to shul daily and learning Torah every day.  Remarkable woman!

Jumping the Line

The scene (as related by Dr. Wikler to whom this happened): A long line in a take-out store erev Shabbos. 

A woman comes in and says, "I am double parked and need two chickens etc." She ignores the line of people and expects to be served. 

The person behind the counter was not sure how to proceed (you may ask, why didn't he simply tell her to get on line, I don't know, maybe she was a frequent customer he didn't want to alienate, maybe her manner was intimidating).  He asked the person he was serving whether he minded if he took her first.  The person said okay.  The other people on line were not asked whether they minded even though each one should have been asked before the woman was served.

Question: If you were on line, what would you have done? Kept quiet but seethed? Loudly told the woman to get on line like everyone else? Loudly tell the counter man that there's a line and first come is first served? Loudly say: Everyone on line must be asked whether they mind if she goes ahead?

I found it interesting when someone said to me: The way we treat others is the way G-d treats us.  How would we want G-d to treat us?

I understood this to mean that we also make unreasonable requests of G-d and are rude sometimes.  Do we want Him to be forgiving or to take a hard line with us?

Another point the person made was something to the effect of - if the person is asking, and it's important to them, why be a stickler? It's not our job to teach others.  Why not accede to their request?

Challenging Ourselves

"The not-yet-frum may not know a lot of Torah (yet), but we err when we treat them as a remedial group."

So said Rabbi Moshe Taub of Buffalo in an article in Ami magazine.  He describes someone involved in kiruv who, instead of giving lectures on light subjects and on topics that that typically draw people in ("The Kabbala of "... this or that), gives over what he hears in Gemara shiurim from someone considered a top Litvishe rosh yeshiva.  These shiurim are complicated discussions on the Gemara and the men he is being mekarev haven't even learned Chumash! Nevertheless, he is able to present to them the Gemara and commentaries, the questions and the resolution, and has made people frum in this way.

Artscroll biographies have been mocked for portraying gedolim as brilliant and perfect since childhood, putting them completely beyond the reach of the average Jew.  R' Taub says that throughout the year, we convince ourselves that we are not on "that level" of the people we hear and read about.  Although it is true that people can be dismissive when they read about people who do things way beyond what the average person does, the opposite is true too - we can be uninspired if we are not challenged to go beyond what we think we are capable. 

I am reminded of a description of the Arrowsmith approach to learning problems.  The usual remedial approach is to assess a student's strengths and weaknesses and to design a program that works around the student's weakness.  If they find it difficult to learn visually, they learn by listening instead.  With Arrowsmith they do the opposite.  If the student finds it difficult to learn visually, they concentrate on improving their ability to learn visually! They don't accommodate weaknesses; rather, they work to raise the student's capabilities. 

A lot of outreach lectures and classes are easy-listening.  That's fine, as long as real learning takes place too.  I admire the baalei teshuva who started with no, or minimal, language skills and progressed to being able to read and understand texts in the original.  Wherever we are at, in learning and doing, let's see how we can move forward.

Me-Centered Hypersensitivity

It was refreshing to read a letter in a frum publication decrying the popular practice of castigating readers for insensitivity, for no matter what people say to the sick, mourners, childless, single, they are bound to be hurting someone's feelings.

The letter-writer (Francesca Zuckerman) recently sat shiva and she said, "Things that upset me one day, could sooth on another.  The shiva visit I found most touching, my sister found irritating.  The rav my brother felt was the highlight of the shiva for him, I was sure had overstayed his welcome."

She went on to say so eloquently:

"It seems we have traded our Jewish value of being sensitive to the feelings of others, for a Western, politically correct, me-centered hypersensitivity.  How often do we hear people crying 'insensitive' to something that really could be totally pareve, or treating an everyday event like a nisayon? ... We have become experts at tending to our own wounds, but unaware of those of others."

Then her wise conclusion:

"I am not advocating ignoring another person's tzaar.  Yes, when meeting an avel (or anyone suffering), we should try not to say something hurtful.  But at the same time, a person in pain has to realize that no one knows what is in his heart, and his pain stems from his nisayon, not from the people around him who cannot guess what he feels."

When people say and ask foolish things, let's regard the remarks as just that - foolish.  The intentions are almost never malevolent.  Don't we all have memories of words that slipped out that we soon regretted? Let us not allow those who made a mistake or those clueless people out there to ruin our day.

Campers' Expectations

In an article about summer camps in the Catskills, the director of Camp Aguda-Bnos and the director of Camp Hedvah both said that they must adjust to new expectations from their campers.  Meir Frischman said, "Our learning groups have been held in these gazebos for decades.  Nowadays, the campers expect air conditioning in their gazebos.  Each of the past three years we've enclosed a few gazebos; this year, we're enclosing three more."

I would like to know where these expectations came from. Surely it was hot in camp for all those decades.  Presumably some campers moaned about the heat all along.  So what made him decide to accede to the campers' wishes for air conditioning? Was it the campers who exerted the pressure or their parents? Did parents say, "We are paying plenty of money and we would like our children to be able to learn comfortably"? What would happen if he said, "We have never had air conditioning and what worked in the past will continue to work"? Would he lose many campers to other camps?

R' Levi: "Comfortable accomodations and standard on-site activities just don't do it anymore.  Girls expect many more trips and special days.  My wife and the head counselor hold weekly meetings beginning in December to organize a fun schedule."

Going away to camp is not good enough.  You have to go off camp grounds in order to have fun.  Having activities on camp grounds is booooring.  The change of scenery from city to camp is not enough.  Why do the girls expect many more trips and special days? Is this about spoiled kids or is it about competition between camps - if one camp puts in a go-kart track, then other camps do the same.  If one camp takes its campers to Hershey Park, ice skating, bowling etc. then other camps follow because otherwise their camp won't be patronized.

Day camps are joining the manic activity frenzy. Someone told me she wanted to keep her 7 yr. old home from a day camp trip, a full day trip to a big amusement park followed by a BBQ.  There was an extra charge involved though this wasn't the main or only reason to be opposed to it.  If this is what is provided a 7 year old, what will you give a jaded 10 year old who has been everywhere and done everything? And how should parents handle it when they are opposed to these extravagant outings for chinuch and other reasons? Should they complain to the director (who will tell them they have the option of not sending their child on the trip)? How should they explain their views to their child?

According to an article in Mishpacha's Family First women's section about sending nosh to kids in camp, "Today's campers aren't as easily impressed as we were when we were kids." The article goes on to describe just how to overcome this challenge with package themes etc. rather than DECRY the situation and offer suggestions on how to properly mechanech children.

Seems to me like a topic that ought to be discussed at conventions and addressed by mechanchim.  Perhaps we need to put forth our chinuch expectations so that there is another message being heard by camp directors.