What Brings Us Joy?

Is human nature such that I can only enjoy something if it is unique to me?

A recent article in Family First quoted a teacher as saying that because our hearts contain evil, we can only enjoy something from which we derive the sole benefit.  Something that is part of nature, like the sun, can be enjoyed by everyone so it doesn't make us happy.

The article goes on to illustrate this with an anecdote about buying some nice clothing on sale for her daughters.  Her 11 year old was very pleased with her selection.  By the afternoon, she was looking downcast.  Why? Because five other girls had the same sweater and seven other girls had the same skirt.

Why did this take away the pleasure she had in her new clothes?

The author goes on to say that when one of her children brings home a note that says they were excellent, she has to refrain from asking how many other children got the same note.  She wonders why she should care? Why would it take away from her nachas if other parents are proud too?

The answer seems to lie, at least in part, in whether something is personal or not.  If an entire class was sent home with the identical note, saying that the child was excellent, why not write, "Dear Parents, I am pleased to inform you that the entire class was excellent today." By sending home a note highlighting the accomplishments of the individual, the implication is that the child stood out in some way.  If it turns out that every parent received that note, the message seems not quite honest.

With clothing, although often girls and women want to fit in and will wear similar clothing to others, they usually do not want to appear identically dressed.  It is an uncomfortable feeling for someone to show up at a wedding with something they carefully picked out, only to find someone else wearing the identical thing.  Why? Because Hashem created us in such a way that each face is unique.  Women consider their clothing as part of their appearance so when encountering someone wearing the identical item, they feel duplicated.

As for nature, I think many people do feel joy over a beautiful day, over flowers that are there for all to see, over a sale which will benefit many people, with a bonus even when other employees also received one.  Many are "generous" in that way, being happy even as others are happy with the same thing.  It's being happy for others when they gain something we need and don't have that's tougher for us.  Even though their gain is not our loss, it takes straight-thinking which affects the heart to truly feel this.

Cultural Shift

I found the following description of the evolution of American culture in a book called Quiet.  The author quotes cultural historian Susman as saying that at the turn of the 20th century, America shifted from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality.

"In the Culture of Character," she writes, "the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable.  What counted was not so much the impression one made in public as how one behaved in private.  The word 'personality' did not exist in English until the 18th century and the idea of 'having a good personality' was not widespread until the 20th.

"But when they embraced the Culture of Personality, Americans started to focus on how others perceived them.  They became captivated by people who were bold and entertaining."

"The advice manuals of the 19th century were less religious than previously, but still preached the value of a noble character.  By 1920, popular self-help guides had changed their focus from inner virtue to outer charm - 'to know what to say and how to say it.' 

"The earlier guides emphasized attributes that anyone could work on improving, described by words like:

Citizenship
Duty
Work
Golden Deeds
Honor
Reputation
Morals
Manners
Integrity

"The new guides celebrated qualities like:

Magnetic
Fascinating
Stunning
Attractive
Glowing
Dominant
Forceful
Energetic"

In an earlier post here, I posted a list of secular values that we are exposed to and influenced by.  If we look at the list of traits emphasized in the earlier guides, we see that every one of them reflects our Torah guidelines: dina d'malchusa dina, achrayus, gedola melacha ..., maasim tovim, kavod shomayim-kavod ha'briyos, sheim tov, yiras shomayim, derech eretz, yashrus-emes.  As for the second list ... 

Our Evolving Headspace

Years ago, I read an interesting article called, "Replacing Secular Values with Torah Values" in which the baal teshuva author wrote about her struggle to adjust her thinking to Torah values:

"When I first came to Israel ... I was already technically religious—I kept Shabbat and kashrut and wore mostly modest clothes—but my values and beliefs were still half-and-half. It took hearing a real Torah perspective on certain issues (mostly relating to Eretz Israel and Jewish morality) to shake me up and help me see that while my behavior had begun changing to be in line with Torah, my thinking still had a ways to go. I resolved to work to change my thinking as well as my behavior, until both would be according to Torah.

"I found this second round of changes to be more challenging than the first. After all, in order to keep Shabbat, you just have to not do work. It might be difficult or frustrating, but in the end, it’s a simple physical act. Even when I felt like turning on my computer on a Saturday morning, I could just force myself not to. When I found myself thinking something that clearly came from my old perspective and was not in line with Torah values, I couldn’t force a change. I had to be patient and spend a lot of time learning and growing before those thoughts would be replaced by something better."

This got me thinking about what secular values and ideas have crept into the minds of those who have grown up with a Torah education.  In discussing this with others, we came up with a long list:

feminist ideas such as women are wasting their lives if they are only raising their children
what I do defines me and gives me value (as opposed to working solely to support oneself)
vegetarianism as a philosophy
emphasis on appearance (ex. "body sculpting," fashion)
the packaging (chitzoniyus) is all important
when anything is wrong, therapy/medication is the answer
life should be easy and comfortable
compassion for the wicked
the inherent value of secular education (not merely as a means to earn a living)
secular humanism
democracy (when no, parents and children are not equals, and yes, there is a hierarchy among Jews according to Torah)
youth worship
it's not my fault (it's my genes, my parents, my background, my brain chemistry)
happiness is the goal ("Whatever makes you happy")
romance, falling in love and living happily ever after, love conquers all
esteeming oneself
I deserve, I'm entitled
questioning the sanctity of life
questioning the blessing of having numerous children
independence as a value (we should be feeling utterly dependent on G-d)
that feelings are sacred (If I feel something, then who are you to tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way?)
"it's none of my business" "live and let live" (when applied to ignoring wrongdoing)

***
It's interesting that many of these concepts were not even prevalent in the secular world until recently, and are still not prevalent in certain parts of the world.  Today, some of these ideas can be found even within sheltered frum communities.  They sometimes appear in our frum publications and in lectures given by frum speakers.  If we can mentally step back and look around us with some measure of openness and objectivity while also reading memoirs and other material which convey the mindset of Jews of decades and centures past, it can be enlightening to see how we've changed.  It is eye-opening to see what we take as "givens" which were not "givens" in a previous generation.  It can be illuminating to examine how we think.