If It Feels Good

In Inyan magazine #952, Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald writes, "Children today, by and large, have replaced the concept of "good and evil" with 'comfortable and uncomfortable.' Not that they do not want to do what is right; on the contrary, they very much desire to do what is correct. How then do they "know" what is the right thing to do? They see how it feels. If it "feels good," it is good, and if it "feels bad," it must be bad."

I wonder whether this comes from "safety" talks with kids, in which children are told that if someone does something that makes them feel uncomfortable, that's not good and they should leave immediately and report it.

Relative Sorrows

Writer Leah Gebber puts it this way:

 

"I have a moral objection to the game of one-upmanship some play when faced with difficulty.  I once covered a story about a woman who had three children and was unable to have more.  Her sorrow touched upon more than her dreams of having a large family; she questioned her role in life, the core of her femininity.  Some of the letters we received astounded me.  One such missive, I have no children - how can she complain when she has three? What gives her the right?

 

"I mentally played with many responses to this question.  That no one has a patent on suffering.  That sorrow, no matter the root, is sorrow ..."

 

Really?

 

So it's all the same - a teenager agonizing about a pimple and a teenager hearing bad news from her oncologist? I have a moral objection to that!

 

It's one of the many lessons children need to be taught that problems and suffering need to be viewed within a context, with a sense of proportion.  Breaking a toy and breaking's one back are not equal, no matter how beloved the toy was.   

 

It seems that just as the trend for some time now has been to futilely try to eradicate differences among children, telling them they are all winners when they are not, so too, even some adults refuse to acknowledge that there are matters of lesser and greater importance.  The old gauge, what is it on a scale of 1-10 is very helpful.  See here

Back to the example that Leah Gebber gives.  The woman with three children can be asked to contemplate where on the scale she is.  If she says she is a 10 in sorrow, she can be asked to think about where then, a woman with no children, would fit on the scale.  Her response might be, the woman with no children is a 10 of sorrow on her scale, and I'm a 10 on my scale.  Hmmm.  And would she say the same when asked, where would the Israeli, Mr Hatuel, whose pregnant wife and all four daughters were murdered in one day be on the scale? Then we, society, have a problem.

It's not to say that the feelings of the woman with three children who can't have more should be dismissed.  They can be acknowledged.  A child who is sad about his drawing that was ripped by the baby should also have his feelings validated.  Maturity is needed to regard the disappointments in life with the proper perspective.

Our Thoughts Create Our Feelings

There was a "Lifelines" article in a recent Mishpacha magazine about a kalla, aged 30, whose wedding was scheduled for the blizzard-that-never-happened a year ago in New York.  The kalla writes about how miserable she was about the weather forecast, about her grandmother crying nonstop, how people told them to postpone the wedding by two days, and how the rav said no, you get married with a minyan if that's all you've got, and you don't postpone a wedding because of the weather.

The kalla, who was finally getting married after years of shidduchim, even expressed the thought that the situation with the forecasted blizzard was harder, in a way, to deal with than her years of singlehood.  It was at that point that she really lost me.  I can sympathize with someone whose planned-for event is ruined, or looks like it will be ruined, but when she makes that comparison and explains how it was harder (which didn't make much sense to me), I'm not impressed.

Interestingly, she writes that her chasan didn't care one way or the other.  If the wedding would be with a minyan of people, that didn't bother him.

Which goes to show that this, and many other events in life, are not objectively bad or good.  If the kalla and her grandmother would have had the same attitude as the chasan, they wouldn't have suffered.  The suffering was caused by their "awfulizing" the hall's cancellation of the wedding if there would be a blizzard. 

And the end of the story was, the forecasters were wrong (as they often are, no matter how authoritative they sounds) and the amount of snow that fell was nowhere close to what they predicted and the hall was open.

So Much for Feelings

I read an article recently by Yael Mermelstein.  She was doing renovations and was told that Mohammed, the second in command to the Jewish contractor, is actually Jewish himself.  His mother and her sisters all married Arabs. 

YM was told not to bother with outreach efforts since Mohammed grew up as a Muslim, married an Arab and has Arab children and is not interested in anything Jewish.

The author then tells us about Carrie who loves the Jewish people, married a Jew, feels Jewish, celebrates Jewish holidays, made bar mitzvas, and is very interested in Judaism, but ... her mother wasn't Jewish.  Carrie says, "I know you don't consider me Jewish but I know that I'm Jewish.  My husband considers me Jewish (after a Reform ceremony) and I feel Jewish.  I feel it all the way down to my bones and I love being Jewish."

Mohammed doesn't feel Jewish, but he is.
Carrie feels Jewish, but she isn't.

So much for feelings.

Warding Off Disaster

It's no wonder that we read of the high use of anxiety medication in the US and particularly among the frum population.  I say the following without having done any actual research on this; this is just the sense that I have about changing times.

Although there were always sad stories and troubling world events, the frequency of tragedies and how close to home they reach, seems unprecedented in the past 50 years.  For example, when I was a young adult, I probably heard of Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS) but that's as far as it went.  At this point, I've been menachem avel someone's whose brother died of it, the rebbetzin of my former shul is suffering from it, my friend's father died of it, and I have heard and read of several more in the frum world.

Another example, up until ten years ago, I don't think I heard of any child (not talking about an infant) dying in their sleep.  Now I can think of three.

The feeling that something can drastically change for the bad, out of the blue, is reasonable since it has been happening with seemingly greater frequency and to people we know or to people close to those we know.  The Twin Towers coming down, the Har Nof shul massacre, the frequent ads from Chai Lifeline and RCCS reinforce the possibility of a disaster about to happen.

What to do about it? One idea - Rabbi David Ashear is quite popular now.  He does a 4 minute daily emuna message which can be heard on the phone: (605) 475-4799 access code 840886# or received by email: Emunadaily@gmail.com

Thoughts Affect the Items we Use or Make

continued from the previous two posts

The following are other examples I've come across:

* There's a story about an innkeeper who spilled out the vodka several times before serving it because he didn't want to serve it until his intentions were good (so that the drink wouldn't be adversely affected)

* We choose a sofer who is a yirei shomayim because the level of the sofer affects the spiritual quality of the tefillin etc. he writes.

* There's a story about the Baal Shem Tov in which he knew that the chazzan had distracting thoughts because the man who made the Shevisi sign was wicked and did not have holy thoughts when he made it but was playing with a dog.

* When the Baal Shem Tov saw a crafted object, he knew the thoughts behind it because the craftsman leaves the imprint of his intelligence, which is his life force, in the object he makes.

* Haman wanted timber from the teiva where the Shechina had dwelled.

Simcha, Simcha, Simcha

continued from previous post

I saved an article from Mishpacha magazine from 2005 about the special lady, Mrs. Taubenfeld of New Square, who was murdered in the #2 Kosel bus bombing in August of 2003.  The article is an interview with her husband.

He said about her, "Being b'simcha was my wife's way.  Smile, make others feel good.  She said, 'If a woman cooks food with simcha, the people who eat it will be b'simcha.  If a woman makes the bed, changes the linen, and she's b'simcha, then when people go to bed, they will be b'simcha."

"When she was young, she spent a lot of time with an elderly rebbetzin, the wife of Reb Moshe Gabbai, a famous Chassidishe Yid.  For years she would visit her and every time she came home she said things like that.  'If a person sews a piece of clothing and she was b'simcha, whoever wears that begged will be b'simcha.'  My wife said this over and over again."

Do We Affect Inanimate Objects with our Moods and Intentions?

Many years ago, I read the Chicken Soup for the Soul Cookbook which was a mix of warm stories about cooking and memories of family meals as well as recipes.  I remember being intrigued by the idea of one's emotions affecting the food one prepares.  Is this true? I wondered.

So if the food is equally delicious, the food that is prepared lovingly will have a different effect on the one who eats it than food prepared commercially? Really?

Is a Shabbos meal prepared at home qualitatively different than a Shabbos meal bought in a store.  Does it matter whether dough is kneaded by hand or by machine as far as its effect on the person who eats the finished product?

Over the years I read a number of stories that bring out this idea of כּח הפּועל בּנפעל which in this context I'll translate to mean the effect or impact that the one doing the action has on the material they work with.

For example, there is the well-known story of the clock belonging to the Chozeh of Lublin.  Most clocks that chime impart a certain melancholy to the listener because they are reminded of the inexorable passage of time.  The Chozeh's clock was a cheerful one as it reminded people that they were that much closer to the Geula.

In a lesser known story about the Chozeh, he found it difficult to sleep on another person's bed.  He would say it pricked him.  R' Yossel of Ostila hired a carpenter, a G-d fearing man, to build a bed.  The Chozeh felt the pricking in this bed too, but slept well in R' Yossele's bed. 

When asked what was wrong with the new bed, the Chozeh said it reeked of melancholy because it was constructed during the 9 Days and the carpenter was sad.

to be continued

Not in the Mood? So What!

Dennis Prager told about the time he was in fourth grade, when his rebbi said it was time to daven minchah and Prager said he was not in the mood.

The European born rebbi considered his feelings for a moment and then responded, “So what?”

These two words were pivotal in Prager's future attitudes.  He said he learned that behavior matters more than feeling.

"If you're going to act on mood, you're not going to be a good person."

Personal Choices

Back to the topic I wrote about here about wanting to do something that demonstrates our caring about Eretz Yisrael.  I read an interesting article by Tali Simon in which she writes about meeting a girl who did not eat chocolate because she wanted a personal, constant reminder of the churban.  The idea was that each time she missed a piece of chocolate cake or chocolate bar, she'd be reminded of a a more important thing that we are missing.  Isn't this extraordinary?!

The author thought she was crazy at first, it seemed too extreme, but then she grew to like the idea and adapted it for herself.  She had committed, at age 16 to settle in Eretz Yisrael but knew she had to finish her schooling first in America and would then be involved in shidduchim.  She was afraid she would lose her resolve and end up living elsewhere.  So she decided that she would not ice cream out of Eretz Yisrael.  She kept her commitment for six years (which included 10 months in an Israeli seminary).

Two things impress me about this.  One, that a person cared enough about something to come up with a practical and personal way of handling it, and two, the follow-through, the discipline to stick with it.  We may often be inspired and have good intentions, but how often do we follow through?

How Long Does the Pleasure Last?

It has been said that pleasure from material things doesn't last long, ex. delicious food, while pleasure from spiritual things last.

I don't find this to be true.  Do you?

If you felt inspired when you attended a class or read an article, if you helped someone and felt very good about it, if you were spiritually uplifted on Yom Tov, did those feelings last? Are those who felt uplifted by the Internet Asifa still feeling that way now, or do they merely remember that they felt uplifted?

When we say "last," how long are we talking about? Can it be proven that pleasure from spiritual things lasts longer than pleasure from material things? Only if there is a group of people who are willing to keep track of how long they feel good after material and spiritual experiences.  They would be asked to rate how they feel several hours later, a day later, a few days later, a week later, a month later and that would give us an idea of how long the feelings last.  Until that happens,  I am not convinced.

You're the Boss of Your Thoughts

The halacha is that one of the people sent home from battle is one who is afraid.  Once the war begins however, the Rambam says he should rely on Hashem and realize he is fighting for the sake of the oneness of Hashem's name and not show fear.  He should not worry about his wife or children. On the contrary, he should remove all thoughts from his mind except the war.  Anyone who begins to feel anxious in the midst of battle to the point where he frightens himself, transgresses a negative commandment.

It occurs to me that a lesson we can learn from this is that we can control ourselves and our thoughts.  It is not valid to say, well this how I feel so I can't help it.  Hashem does not give us mitzvos that are impossible to fulfill.  If there is a prohibition of being afraid, we can distract ourselves and not be afraid.  The same would apply to other negative emotions we have that are unhelpful if not worse.  Hesech ha'daas - distraction, turning our minds to positive pursuits, is the way to go.

Is Criticism Ever Constructive?

Is there such a thing as constructive criticism? I heard someone make a forceful case to say that no, there isn't, saying it's never welcome and is not productive and the "sandwich" approach, where you praise, then criticize, then praise is not helpful ("Do you think I'm a fool for not noticing?").  Yaakov waited till he was on his deathbed to rebuke his children.  Moshe criticized the Jewish people only before his death and indirectly, with allusions.

Others disagreed.  Some people express appreciation when their mistakes are pointed out.  They don't want to repeat them! And even as it's uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of criticism, the question for the intellectually honest should be, "Is it true?"

And what about the mitzva to rebuke? And how can we do this mitzva when, long ago, the Gemara says (Erchin 16b) that our generation (meaning the time of the Gemara) no longer has anyone who can correctly deliver rebuke? Even more than that, there is no one in today's society who knows how to properly accept rebuke!

Apparently, the resolution lies in how the criticism is given, i.e. not as a personal attack, and not in a way that embarrasses the person.  Refraining from constructively criticizing someone is safe, for no feelings are hurt, but ultimately, is silence an act of Ahavas Yisrael?

But that's how I feeeeel ....

Can we get some perspective? I know that people are very possessive of their feelings - "I feel, therefore I am" - but let's get a grip!

I know this might come as a revelation to many people these days but not being the most popular child in the class, not having the nicest car on the block, having our child defy our wishes and not having someone greet us is not on a par with seeing family murdered in the Holocaust or in a terrorist attack! Shocking disclosure, I know ...

I think it's time the pendulum swung back and rather than "validate" our feelings and those of others, we pause, and judge (that "dirty" word) whether this feeling  A) is appropriate to the situation  B) is a feeling worthy of an oveid Hashem. 

To elaborate on A:

On a scale of 1-10, if having one's family murdered in the Holocaust is a 10, how do you rate what just happened to you?

to elaborate on B:

Sefarim talk about good middos: being patient, not standing on one's honor, having a "good eye," having bitachon, simcha.  Where does my feeling of being slighted, ignored, jealous, resentful fit in with the good middos we are working to acquire?

I think it's time to hear lectures and read articles telling us to dismiss unworthy and otherwise negative feelings, rather than entertain and focus on them.

And it's time that parents and teachers let children know that feelings are useful, up to a point.  Feeling guilty about something might be a good indication that we are doing something wrong.  Feeling insulted is probably not that useful.

I read such a sad story in which a man did not daven with a minyan in 70 years.  The story was that when he was a boy and very poor and he had yartzeit for his mother, he went to shul to say Kaddish for her, and after shacharis, an older man in shul asked him where the cake was.  When the old man saw there was none he said, "Phooee, you call that a yartzeit?"

The boy ran home, devasted and told his father he would never set foot in shul again, and he didn't.  For 70 years.

Now in a case like this, and yes, we can say that this was close to a 10 on the scale of 1-10 because the boy was shamed, wouldn't it have made all the difference if someone were to tell the boy they understand his pain but his reaction - not to step into a shul again - hurt no one but himself? That not attending shul did not punish the man who insulted him? That he could attend another shul?

Let us make the effort to step back and assess the situation rationally.  We are likely to be much happier with the results.