ADD/ADHD Revisited

I haven't written about ADD/ADHD in too long, considering how often it comes up in frum publications and talks.  Previous posts on the subject include:
Refreshing! and
Diagnosis: Toddleritis and
This is ADHD? and
ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder - When Parents' Attention is Deficient .

This is from a letter written by a mother to a frum women's publication:

I have two children with ADHD (and five without) ...  I try with every fiber of my being to be supportive and nurturing towards my sons.  I understand their therapists' pleas for me to be patient and not to let everything get to me, and I can look away, but my other children can't.  When my 14 year old daughter completed a book report that she worked on for two weeks and then her brother came in and ripped it to shreds in a fit, it was difficult for me to comfort my daughter.  When she begs me, "Why do you let him? He never learns!" something inside me wants to snap.  She's right.  He's right.

And into all this walks the therapist and says, "Keep your cool - he'll come around one day, and we're giving him tools."  When he comes around, I might have five other bitter and angry and misunderstood kids.  They know their brother has his issues and they are kind and gracious, but sometimes they feel he ruins their lives.  My older son is medicated and in therapy and he has come a long way, but he has kicked more holes in the wall than we can ever fill.

First, I will say that my heart does go out to her.  She is a mother who cares.  Deeply.  And it sounds like she is trying to be a superlative parent.  My protest is not about her, but about a medical world that is destroying kids and their families as this mother describes. 

Although the mother does not say how old her boys are, they are obviously not two or she wouldn't be medicating and therapizing them.  How can our hearts not go out to parents who are told to be "supportive and nurturing" while not being told to discipline their children and how to do so to achieve results?

A child is destructive and all the therapist has to offer is a request for patience and reassurance about the distant future? The mother is realizing that this approach is undermining the entire household and is doing nothing to improve the situation. 

more on this soon

Shameless Indeed

As a follow-up to this post: here about inappropriate advertising in the frum world - I wrote a publication asking them whether their rabbinical board approved of an ad for ice cream that is for "pleasure seekers."

I asked:

How could this possibly be directed to your readership who are mevakshei Hashem, not mevakshei pleasure?

I ask that seriously. 

The wording of the ad is antithetical to our values.

 

Then I noticed a different ad, this one for a  sort of dessert/snack that combines bread sticks and chocolate.  The ad describes it as "The Cravers Combo" and promotes it as "shamelessly indulgent." No comment. 

Getting the Loving Message Across

Rabbi Noach Orlowek writes, "R' Yechiel Yakobson, one of Israel's revered educators, once met with a group of 'off the track' teenagers.  He asked them how he could prevent what happened in their families happening in his own.  They answered, 'You don't have to worry.  Your children know you love them.'"

R' Orlowek then writes, "At a wedding in Milwaukee, I sat at the same table as Rav Michel Twersky, who grew up in Milwaukee 80 years ago and attended public school, since there were no yeshivos there at the time.  I asked him how he and his brothers turned out to be such wonderful marbitzei Torah and paragons of Torah principles and Torah living.  When I asked the question, his entire demeanor changed.  Slowly and clearly, he said something that has never left me.  'We knew two things about our father, that he loved us very much and that he believed in us.'"

R' Orlowek goes on to point out that this is not to say that families where children have rebelled did not love their children.  "But sometimes, the message that they love their children does not come through clearly."

One approach to getting the message across is by seeing which "love language" means the most to a child.  Gary Chapman explained how he came to categorize five love languages, "Some of my encounters with couples through the years that brought me to realize that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. For a number of years, I have been helping couples in the counseling office discover what their spouse desired in order to feel loved. Eventually, I began to see a pattern in their responses. Therefore, I decided to read the notes I had made over twelve years of counseling couples and ask myself the question, “When someone sat in my office and said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what did they want?” Their answers fell into five categories. I later called them the five love languages."

It's simple and straightforward and worth looking up.

G-d's Calculations

I read a related idea to something I posted previously: here about how G-d has everything worked out based on our actions.  The idea can be read in its entirety as it appeared in Community magazine: here

The gist of it is, a sofer set aside some of his work time every month to voluntarily train two aspiring sofrim.  His colleagues said he was giving away valuable time in which he could be earning money.  He doesn't see it that way.  In his view, the time is well spent because it would otherwise be consumed by unpleasant things and he doesn't lose out at all.

According to his philosophy, if he is destined to lose work time every month, since this is part of life, he'd rather let his fellow Jews benefit from it.  "I am confident that these hours are lost time anyhow."

He and a colleague kept track of the time they spent working and the work time they ended up spending on other things.  The colleague was astonished to see that even with his volunteer work, the other sofer still worked more hours that month than he did, and that he lost time for various other reasons.

The conclusion: What is destined to be lost, one loses regardless, but you can utilize the loss of time for mitzvos and even save additional hours thereby!

Nach and Paying Attention

I was reading something where there was a parenthetical note about how none of the Shoftim were succeeded by a son*.  That stopped me short and I read it again, in incredulity. 

Why was I so astonished? Because kings are succeeded by their sons and Moshe wanted his son to succeed him and Rashi refers to this and it's discussed by the meforshim as to why it was Yehoshua.  And often, rabbinical posts are taken over by sons if they are worthy.  And yet, it never occurred to me that the Shoftim were not succeeded by their children!

And that got me thinking about how when I've learned Navi, I haven't thought much, and that was a perturbing thought.  In my defense, when it comes to Chumash we are taught early on to ask questions and there are constant questions and answers being offered.  This is not so for Nach.  There is less commentary and when Nach is learned, it is mostly to get the storyline and the meaning of the pesukim, without delving much into an analysis of every word.  But still ...


 * Gideon might be considered an exception

What a Mechaya!

There is a wonderful story told about R' Moshe Feinstein z'l, told by Rebbetzin Altusky in this delightful video: here beginning at 10:33 minutes.

It is worthwhile seeing the rebbetzin telling the story for many reasons: you hear it directly from the source, you hear it with all the nuances as she tells it, you get to see the wife of a great talmid chacham and teacher z'l, the daughter of Bessie who was a sister to Racoma Shain ("All For the Boss"), the daughter of the great rosh yeshiva, R' Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg, and a special woman in her own right.

For more about the great posek and great Yid and human being that was R' Moshe, I recommend the revised Artscroll book which I review: here

Who Am I? part 2

continued from previous post

The article continues with the story of a girl from a wealthy neighborhood going to seminary in Eretz Yisrael and being amazed by the simplicity and purity of the kollel families there.  Over her year in Israel she heard about the idea of a woman supporting her husband as he learned.  She decided that this is what she wants.  She knew she couldn't manage for more than five years, but she was excited about this prospect.

Then she returned home and went back to life as she always knew it.  She thought about all the things she would be unable to have if she lived a kollel life.  She wanted a Torah home but wondered how she could support a family.

She consulted with rabbis, kollel wives, teachers, etc. and received a variety of comments, some of which supported her lofty goal and some of which knocked it.

"I didn't know what to think.  Was I just on a seminary high? How could it be that I was so sure about something a short while ago, yet now I was so tormented? Which was the real me? Am I the girl who really needs all these luxuries, all this money, all this stability and practicality .. making my seminary decision just a hasty, foolish, idealistic thought? Or am I really the seminary girl who 'saw the light,' and felts as if kollel was the right lifestyle to live, and I am just hesitating now because I'm back home?"

She concluded that a kollel lifestyle was not for her and turned down shidduchim suggestions with wanna-be longtime learners.  She wanted her husband to learn during their first year of marriage and take it from there.

Who Am I?

continued from previous post

I read an article by Malka Weisman about a girl with well-educated parents who herself was an ambitious student.  She had her sights set on an Ivy League college.  She worked hard and scored high on the SAT's in order to have a chance at winning an academic scholarship to a very expensive school.  She won the scholarship but her parents were still faced with hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay which they couldn't afford.  She took the SAT's again to get an even higher score and did all she could to achieve her goal.  In the meantime, she prepared to go to seminary in Israel.

She went to Israel and loved it and her classes.  But when she heard ideas that contradicted her secular educational goals, she chafed.  As time went on, she began to wonder whether her plan of attending a secular university was a good one for a bas Yisrael.

During Pesach vacation she received the exciting news that she had been awarded a full scholarship, but at that point, she wasn't that sure she wanted to attend it any more.  It was a wrenching decision, made after much agonizing, but she gave up the scholarship and decided to go to a program attended by frum girls.

Then she went back to the US and began to feel regrets over her decision.  People told her she had been brainwashed but she said nobody forced her to make this sacrifice.  She made it because she believed it was the right thing to do. 

"And I wonder, throughout all this, if I was really me when I made that decision.  'Me' is the academic girl who values education, who doesn't settle for anything less than the best.  'Me' is the girl who was accepted into the university of her dreams.  Who was the strange entity who 'changed her mind? If that was me, then who am I? Am I the person who was so excited to get accepted to my dream school, or the inspired seminary girl focused on the one, true, straight, Torah path in life? This is my identity crisis. Which person am I?"

The Seminary High

A woman whose daughter went to seminary in Israel for a year, said she wants her daughter to have six months back home before dating so she can see who she really is and not date from a "seminary high." 

That got me thinking.  Why does this mother think that the "real" person is the one who comes down from her inspiration? Maybe the inspired person is the real person? How are we defining real?

An analogy, you go to an event or shiur and are inspired by the speaker.  Is that real or not? You know how when are you excited by what you heard, you want to tell people about it? Would it be a good idea to wait a week or a month before telling anyone so the inspiration will wear off and the real you will be back? I don't think so ...

But I do understand where that mother is coming from.  It's one thing to sit in a classroom, having all expenses paid for, usually by one's parents, and being inspired to marry a ben Torah and enable him to learn for years to come.  Actually being married and living that life is another thing.  So the mother figures that six months down the road, reality will set in.  If the girl still feels strongly about her religious undertakings and ambitions, she will say so and date accordingly (though even then, it's not like actually being married).  But to date while on a high can be a dangerous proposition because you can end up married based on idealistic commitments that are not as desirable as time goes on.

R' Avigdor Miller z'l felt otherwise.  He said a girl should go from graduation to the chuppa for precisely that reason.  She is idealistic and should marry in that state and it will uplift her future life.

Is He Really Doing His Best?

Shais Taub found it necessary to write a lengthy (more than a page) explanation about his use of the phrase "he was doing his best" in a previous article.  It leaves me wondering what the point is in using a phrase that is so puzzling that it needs that much explaining. 

I remember coming across the phrase, "He is doing the best he can with the tools he has" in Miriam Adahan's writings years ago, and not liking it.  Why? Because it isn't true.  I assume that if I am not always doing the best I can, neither are other people.  After all, how often are we actually doing the best we can.  If someone offered us a million dollars to do better, wouldn't we do better? Quite likely!

Taub says, "When looking at a person's behavior, we have to take into account all sorts of factors ... the best that they were able to do at that moment, with the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacities they had at that time.  These factors include their experiences, their education, whether they had enough sleep last night, and so on."

He goes on to say that none of these factors are excuses and they don't absolve anyone of anything.  They just help explain the rationale behind someone's behavior.  He goes through all this explaining in order, he says, to help us see that the problem is with the other person, not us.  But then I don't accept this line either, "They were pathetically incapable of doing better." Sure they were! But for some reason, Taub wants to use these phrases which aren't true, while simultaneously saying, the person should have done something to become the kind of person that doesn't do those bad things.

I can see thinking through various factors to explain someone's unacceptable behavior; we do this when we are judging someone favorably.  But why not simply say: "Their behavior was unacceptable; They could have done better; It was hard for them because of bad habits/poor role models/difficult personality, etc.?"

Shlomie!

 

I started reading it on Rosh Hashana and finished it on Yom Kippur - I highly recommend the book Shlomie! (Artscroll).  He wasn't the usual rosh yeshiva, mashgiach, or rebbe that Artscroll biographies are about.  He was a balabus who lived in Flatbush who was a vilde chaya as a boy and went from yeshiva to yeshiva to yeshiva.  Today, he would be drugged for ADHD.  His good heart and yiras shomayim were always apparent, even when he was unable to sit in a classroom.

He went on to become extremely wealthy and a huge baal tzedaka.  His greatness was not merely in being able to write checks (though that is a great thing).  He loved people and loved making people happy.  He was constantly alert to how to help people in ways that had nothing to do with money.  Another aspect of his greatness was the fact that even though he could barely sit long enough to learn, he had regular learning sedarim and was machshiv Torah and talmidei chachamim.  He sought to grow spiritually and kept moving further away from a materialistic lifestyle.

He is an inspiration for those who were not a success in yeshiva and an inspiration to all when it comes to loving and pursuing chesed.  It's a book about a "regular guy," who with all his fun-loving geshmak-keit, was quite extraordinary.

Be a Guest - Be a Host!

I received an email which informed me that someone on Shabbat.com had sent me a message, asking whether he could join us for a meal on Yom Tov. 

Have you seen the site? You can sign up as a guest or a host and then, either wait for someone to invite you or to ask you for an invitation, or actively seek a guest or a host.  This person lives in a different neighborhood and will be davening in my area on Yom Tov.

I checked out his profile and then spoke to one of his references (in Arizona), just to ascertain that he is a normal person.  I was reassured that yes he is, and a mentch.  That was enough for me to send a message back to him.  We exchanged a few messages, about food preferences and timing and we are on!

Isn't this special? A "brother," a fellow Jew we never met before, will join us in our succa! How exciting!

Post Rosh Hashana Thoughts

Primaries were held today for major positions and an election is coming up in November.  As I wrote almost a year ago: here , the election was decided by the Heavenly court on Rosh Hashana and we voters went to carry out their decision.

There is news regarding Syria every day and the big question is whether the US will attack or not.  On Rosh Hashana I thought, the articles I've been scanning speak about those for and against a military response, but there is no united feeling here about what should be done.  I figured, that's because the decision about Syria will be made on Rosh Hashana.

Now it's a few days after Rosh Hashana, and there is still no clear direction.  Maybe it is because the decision in the Heavenly court was not finalized and matters are pending during the Aseres Yimei Teshuva.  I think about how the "little people" like the president of the US and other world leaders think they are making history with their decisions.  In reality, they are carrying out G-d's plan for the world which is the Geula. 

And since all world events are about us, as the Gemara says, a ship does not sink at the other end of the world except for the Jewish people, maybe that is why the decision is pending.  I don't know whether we should attack or not, but Teshuva, Tefilla, and Tzedaka will avert the evil in any decrees.

From Hopeless to Hope in an Instant

In a recent news item, a man in Ohio, Tony Yahle, was given up by the doctors and declared dead.  And yet, 45 minutes after his heart stopped beating he began to show signs of life. They say he fully awoke at the hospital five days later.

The cardiologist, Dr. Raja Nazir, said, "In the last 20 years, I've never seen anybody who we have pronounced dead ... and then for him to come back, I've never seen it.  Actually, I've never heard of it."

The man's 18 year old son said, his father went "from hopeless to hope in an instant.”

That last line stood out for me.

We have a phrase for that: yeshuas Hashem k'heref ayin (the salvation of Hashem like the blink of an eye).

I looked up how fast is a blink of an eye and found this: On average, a human eye takes between 300 and 400 milliseconds to complete a single blink. That's roughly between three-tenths and four-tenths of a second.