You Deserve It!

Three ads in frum publications:

"Every patient deserves a masterpiece" - cosmetic dentistry to improve your smile

"Because you deserve it" - a wig

"Every girl deserves a shadchan who cares" - shadchanim for girls ages 23-30

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Each of these ads rubs me wrong, even the shadchan ad.

Think: How would I react if I was asked this question

Eliezer Krohn tells a story about his brother who was on a transatlantic flight.  You are able to put items in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you.  The person sitting behind him had brought along a lot of food which he put under his brother's seat and he asked his brother, "Can you do me a favor and not sleep throughout the flight?'

Why did he ask him this? Because you are not supposed to sleep with food underneath the bed.  Now, this was an 11-12 hour flight! His brother said, "I have a better idea.  How about we keep it under your seat ...."  The person said no, because then it would be hard to reach.

Can we imagine ever saying something comparable to this? We react with incredulity that someone could be so dense and insensitive, but as R' Krohn said, he's sure the person is not a bad person, but sometimes you need sechel and sometimes you are just so focused on yourself that you are oblivious to others. 

The Contrast

It seems to me that although there were always fragile people, still and all, people who are older than 65, especially those who were born in Europe (perhaps North Africa as well), handle losses with far greater resilience than younger people.  When you read about the Holocaust and think about how people who witnessed the worst and lost everything or close to it, went on to establish families and in many if not most cases they raised normal children, as well adjusted as anybody else, it's nothing but remarkable. 

In contrast, today's young people don't seem able to cope with adversities far less traumatic than seeing one's family betrayed, wasting away and murdered.  We are inundated with articles in the frum press about people amongst us who are suffering from a multitude of problems and who are not coping with them.  The numbers of frum people on medication to help mitigate anxieties and other such ills is staggering, so it is said.  And anxieties (aka lack of bitachon) are of our own making (I am as guilty as the next one).

As I observed an elderly person the other day, who recently loss her spouse, I thought about this and what I came up with is that the seniors amongst us did not grow up with a feeling of entitlement.  Their parents worked hard and they expected to work hard.  Life wasn't easy and that was life.  Young people in Europe did not negotiate allowances, they didn't expect to be entertained by their parents on Chol Ha'Moed or any other time.  Fun wasn't their supreme value.  They were children and their parents were parents, not their pals.  Americans  too, used to know their place when they were children.  They helped work in the family business and sometimes pitched in to support their families.

It's hard though, to recreate the mentality of yesteryear when our lives, in so many ways, are simply not the same.  Mental health professionals, including religious ones in our communities, are doing their best to inculcate us with the belief that we are suffering from one "disorder" or "syndrome" or another if not outright "illness," and frum publications vie to "undo the stigma". 

I look forward to the swing of the pendulum when we will leave the psychobabble behind and focus on core values once again.

Entitled to Speak?

Everyone is entitled to say whatever they want.

People show an overwhelming need to express themselves and hear others express themselves

Everything can be said ...

These are very recent sentiments in our secular and Jewish societies.

Up until very recently the world (including Jews) raised children on the principle of "children should be seen and not heard." Even when children grew up, they knew that their opinions were not to be voiced, that parents and authority figures had the final word, sometimes the only word.

People had a more of a sense of knowing their place and wouldn't dream that their opinion was on a par with that of a learned person and that they had any sort of "right" to speak up before their elders.

Today, online, everybody can comment about anything they please.  Not that long ago, your only recourse was to write a letter to the editor and it might be printed.  If you called a radio program, you might be heard.
What does the Torah have to say about this?

- Lavan is called a rasha for speaking up before his father Besuel.

- Regarding the sale of Yosef, Rashi 49:4 says that Yissocher and Zevulun, the children of Leah, would not speak up before their older brothers.

- The laws of Kibud Av V'Eim including an older brother because the mitzva is for the purpose of instilling us with respect for authority which ultimately leads us to respect G-d's authority.

- When the judges of the Sanhedrin stated an opinion they did so from the least important to the most important so that it didn't end up with the least important among them rubberstamping the leader's psak.

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Who am I to bring up this topic when I started this blog to express my view and I welcome your input? Good question!