A Thought-Provoking Letter

The following letter was printed in Binah magazine in March 2015:

"I live in a community where boxes are getting smaller and smaller, and the only way to get the contents to stay in the box is to sit on the cover and squash it so it fits.

I have been forced to send my daughter to an out-of-town high school because no school in town could accommodate her. She is a girl who is tzniusdik, respectful, and bright.  She is also very talented and creative, and would love to have a career as an artist or fashion designer.  She voiced that once in a personal essay at school and it set off a flurry of conferences as to where this heimishe girl was getting such aspirations from.

Once that red flag was raised, it all went downhill.  She was called in and asked pointed questions such as, "Do you read fashion magazines?" When she answered in the negative, they asked her, "So how will you be a fashion designer? Do you understand why it's the wrong career choice?" And then, I kid you not, she was asked to re-write the essay with a more preferable career choice for a frum girl.

She came home broken and confused.  "Why is it okay for Mrs. X (a parent on the PTA committee) and Rebbetzin L to design tzniusdik fashionable robes and children's clothes, but I can't? Why do I need to write an essay that is a lie?"

She is respectful, my daughter, so she wrote a beautiful essay on why she would shift careers and become an accountant instead.  She called my neighbor, a mechaneches, and told her the story and asked her to read it to ensure that not a hint of cynicism was in there.  My neighbor read it, praised her, and then called me, insisting, "You must talk to your rav.  This girl is going to learn a new habit: lie about who she is and say everything right to satisfy those around her.  She must get out of the school and learn that it's not a way of life."

She scared me (this is my oldest child and I would not have stepped out of the box and made a fuss had she not pushed me) and I did call our rav, who advised us.  He explained it all, in person, to our daughter, and encouraged her to become the best frum fashion designer there is and raise the kedusha level of Klal Yisrael with her creations. He encouraged us to find a high school that would nurture her passion for art and allow more self-expression.

Prior to this, I too was a very "in the box" type.  Now, I worry about its far-reaching effects."

And G-d Has the Last Laugh

 

Yesterday, before the MONSTER STORM hit, with the predictions of it being the WORST STORM EVER, I was skeptical.  We have been subjected to dire prognostications in the past.  The media has a field day with it.  They love ominously announcing: WINTER STORM WATCH and updating us every few minutes.

 

But how many times does it pan out? I haven't done a study on it, but in my life experience, on many occasions the prophecies of doom do not materialize.  I get the feeling that even those hyping the massive storms don't quite believe in their own hype, but they hope that it will come true so they will be proven right.

 

In this case, they claimed that the NYC area would get as much as two feet of snow.  What actually happened? 6.3 inches or 7.8 inches (depending on the news item and the wind) of snow fell in Central Park.

 

When Hashem unleashes a storm, whether rain or snow, He shows His might.  Likewise, when Hashem withholds rain.  The weather is one of the few areas in which man has no control.  It would have been difficult if we would have had the blizzard they were predicting, and I davened that it should be much less than they said it would be. 

 

I thought, true, Hashem shows His might in a blizzard, but if Hashem makes it much less than they predicted, this would also put Man in his place.  Man can't control the weather but he thinks (or pretends) that he can forecast what will take place.  It's not like the meteorologists make it clear that this is an educated assessment of the weather patterns and things can change (because they often do).  They present their forecast as fact, and their forecasts are given names like AccuWeather to make you think that you can rely on them for accuracy.

 

So when I got up this morning and looked out the window, I could see that it was nowhere near what they had said it would be, and I was amused.

 

see this post: here

We Need Hashem Watching Over Us

A 4 year old in Ashkelon was killed by a mortar shot from Gaza on Friday, Aug. 22.
Two days later, a 5-6 year old was killed in the Catskills after being hit by a car.
Two days later, a 5 year old was killed today in Bnei Brak after being hit by a car.

After the child was killed on Sunday, the thought went through my mind: Even when not in the line of fire in Ashkelon, even when vacationing in the Catskills, a child was killed.  Not that we are allowed to put ourselves in danger, but we shouldn't think we are in control, that if we go to the right places and do the right things, nothing can happen to us.  But I didn't think I should write that here.

Then I saw the news item today that a child was killed in Bnei Brak.  Apparently the Steipler Gaon promised that rockets and missiles will never fall in Bnei Brak because they are protected by Torah.  And the thought went through my mind, people feel safe in Bnei Brak because of their emunas chachamim and their belief in the Steipler's promise.  Here again, if there is a feeling of being in a safe zone, Hashem sent a reminder that just like a child can be killed in Ashkelon, nebech, a child can also be killed in Bnei Brak.

It's not just their problem, those who live over there, within reach of missiles, mortars and rockets, and we, who live in normal places, are safe.  We need Hashem watching over us wherever we are.  We need to take care of ourselves because that's a mitzva, but we are not in control.  And I thought it was worth writing.

It's Inherently Contradictory

"I have a disease.  It is called Compulsive Overeating.  I do not have the ability to control food choices or portion size.  This is the way Hashem made me."

That is a quote from a letter to the editor of a frum publication.  The author goes on to say that he joined OA and since then he has maintained a 150 pound weight loss.

After reading contradictory statements like these time and again, I can't help but wonder.  Is it possible that I am the only one who notices that he is not making any sense? He just said he has a G-d inflicted disease in which he lacks the ability to control food choices or portion size.  In the next breath he extols an organization that he joined which has helped him control food choices and portion sizes.  Nobody comes to his home and monitors his food intake.  There are no cameras recording all his eating.  No penalties if he makes the wrong choices.

What happens is, he decides to control is food intake.  So does he have a disease or not? Can he control himself or not?

Aren't the answers obvious? I.e. He acquired terrible eating habits and is working to overcome them.  That is commendable.  I don't see why they have to falsify the facts.  Why the need for the disease lie? Why the need for an illogical claim of lack of control when those who "work the steps" are controlling themselves?

He concludes the letter by saying, "There is a solution.  It is not surgical.  It is not in taking supplements.  It is not counting points.  It is not by tricking your body into burning its own fat.  Rather, the solution is Overeaters Anonymous."

Why not this alternate conclusion: There is a solution.  It is neither surgical nor does it involve supplements nor counting points nor tricking your body.  It's about free will and acknowledging that as a human being we have free choice and can exercise this power.  For ain davar ha'omed bifnei ha'ratzon - nothing stands in the way of one's will, as the author has shown.

You Need a D&C (Determination and Commitment)

Surgical solutions to obesity are written about here and there in frum publications.  After one such article, someone wrote a letter to the editor expressing her surprise that the woman in the article who had lap band surgery feels guilty for taking the easy way out:

"As someone who underwent the same procedure, I think it's basically the only way out and not so easy at all ... Actually, you need major determination if you want to be successful."

She repeats the warning, "If you want to be successful, you need to be extremely determined and committed."

I seem to be missing something here.  If you need to be extremely determined and committed with the lapband surgery in order to be successful, why can't the identical determination and commitment be applied to proper eating without undergoing surgery? Can she muster that singlemindedness only upon going under the knife?

In an article about lap band surgery I read, "The most important aspect to the success of lap band surgery is its follow up care. Without suitable modifications in lifestyle, it is not possible to lose any weight through lap band surgery. It is not easy to lose excess weight; however with the right attitude and commitment, it is possible to change your life for the better."  Hmmm. Again, wouldn't modifications in lifestyle and the right attitude and commitment make all the difference without surgery?

Blessed will be the person who can devise ways of helping people gain control and learn self-restraint with the power of their mind.

Which Is It?

Am I the only one who notices the contradiction?

The is what AA and numerous others who follow their guidelines say:

1) The alcoholic (or addict) is described as having no control over whether he drinks.

2) The only way the addict can be helped is when he understands that only he can control his behavior.

Do they have control or don't they?

You're the Boss of Your Thoughts

The halacha is that one of the people sent home from battle is one who is afraid.  Once the war begins however, the Rambam says he should rely on Hashem and realize he is fighting for the sake of the oneness of Hashem's name and not show fear.  He should not worry about his wife or children. On the contrary, he should remove all thoughts from his mind except the war.  Anyone who begins to feel anxious in the midst of battle to the point where he frightens himself, transgresses a negative commandment.

It occurs to me that a lesson we can learn from this is that we can control ourselves and our thoughts.  It is not valid to say, well this how I feel so I can't help it.  Hashem does not give us mitzvos that are impossible to fulfill.  If there is a prohibition of being afraid, we can distract ourselves and not be afraid.  The same would apply to other negative emotions we have that are unhelpful if not worse.  Hesech ha'daas - distraction, turning our minds to positive pursuits, is the way to go.

Positive Censorship

I was in a Jewish library when a young girl, about 10, asked to use the phone.  I overheard her asking her mother in Yiddish whether she could take out historical fiction (written in English) since she finished reading everything else.  When she hung up, I asked her what her mother said.  The answer was 'no' because her mother hadn't read the books and her mother reads everything before she does.  I asked, why can't you take home a book for her to look at? She said her mother doesn't have time.

Why would her mother not allow her to read a certain book? She said with one book, her mother told her the characters did not talk nicely.

Perhaps many of us would not endorse censorship, particularly not at a frum library with Jewish books, but this mother is careful.  She is a sweet, aidel, tmimusdike child and I was impressed by what a good girl she is.  After all, she can read whatever she likes while she is right there in the library, but she is there just to take out books and only approved books at that.

Mind Over Heart

 

I recently completed a marathon book-reading.  I had a book out of the library that was due which I could not renew because it had a hold placed on it.  It's a book that I had out once before and did not read and could not renew and I didn't want to take it out a third time.  Instead, I started reading it and it had me engrossed for a few days.  It was a Holocaust memoir called The Seamstress.

Shortly after I finished it, I read yet another article about OCD in a frum magazine. This time, it was from the perspective of a woman with OCD.  She describes in excrutiating detail an insane day in her life.  I use insane literally.  Her behavior is that of a crazy person.

Coming right after the Holocaust book, the contrast between self-imposed, demented suffering and externally-inflicted anti-Semitic suffering was vast.  I will admit that the article elicited emotions from me that are probably not what the author and publisher had in mind.  I am sure the article was meant to evoke tremendous compassion on the sufferer, and yet, I felt outraged  that someone could bring such suffering upon themselves.

Of course that was followed by thoughts like - that's not nice, I'm not understanding that she is trapped, that she is miserable, that she deserves more compassion because she brought this upon herself, not less.  

And of course, those writing about mental health these days insist that these are illnesses just like physical illnesses and just as we do not choose to have tumors, we do not choose to suffer from mental illness.  The problem is, I am not convinced.

Coming on the heels of the Holocaust book in which the author was 44 pounds by war's end, doesn't help make me sympathetic to anorexic people either.  Self-imposed starvation with all the food around us?! But then again, I think, these are psychological problems and those enmeshed in unhealthy thinking don't think, "I will ruin my life by having these unhealthy thoughts."

And yet, the self-absorption at the root of so many of these problems is a modern-day luxury.  If the woman of the OCD article had to struggle to survive, had to use her wits to get food and remain alive, avoid beatings and various threats to her continued existence, she would not be fixated on imaginary threats to her well-being.

I came across a post online by a man who refers to his "selfish OCD" who writes:
OCD is a very selfish disorder, and I was always thinking about myself. It was all about me and my obsessions and the compulsive checking I needed to do to make myself feel better. My wife was an outgoing, caring, loving person with a great personality but my OCD was changing all that. We didn’t go out anymore because of all my obsessions, and my wife wasn’t a happy and laughing person anymore. Instead she was crying every day.
 

I was very selfish, and I was using her all the time for compulsive reassurance, trying to use her to get rid of my obsessions or to confirm that everything was fine and that I hadn’t done anything wrong or bad. I would ask her for reassurance over and over again and would push her so far as to make her put her hand on the Bible and swear that she was telling the truth. While I was seeking reassurance from her it was all about me. I didn’t care how she felt; I only wanted to get rid of the obsession. After she gave me the reassurance that I needed and everything was fine again, I would feel guilty about putting her under so much stress, but only for a short time. Soon I was doubting again and needed to ask her for reassurance again, and then it was all about me again, all about my obsessions and feelings. I didn’t care how she was feeling as long as I felt better.

 
... Even when my wife was sick it was all about my obsessive thoughts. I didn’t think about how my wife was feeling ...  The doctor told her that she had an infection in one of her glands and that she needed to have an operation. When my wife told me, I immediately started my checking methods. I had to be sure I hadn’t done something wrong that could have caused my wife to get ill. (I would do these same checking methods when I hear anyone I know is in the hospital. I need to make sure they are fine, and then I need to make sure that I am not responsible for making them ill.) Instead of worrying about how much pain my wife must have been in and how she must have felt about the operation, I was busy with my obsessive compulsive thoughts. 

Human beings possess the quality of mo'ach shalit al halev--"the mind rules the heart." Unlike animals, who act on instinct, a person is capable of achieving full control over his thoughts and moods.  This fundamental principle needs to be taught very early on in life.  It requires constant reminders and is often not easy to act upon, but knowing that this is what constitutes our humanity and that we can control our emotions is step one.  It is often said, happiness is a choice, not a condition.  Likewise, unhappiness, anger, sad feelings are a choice.  We can and must exercise hesech ha'daas - diverting our minds from the unhealthy thoughts that occur to us.  It is our choice, and bechira is what being a human being is about.

Spiritual Spontaneity

I listened to an intriguing shiur by Rabbi Doniel Katz (a teacher at Neve) on the subject of zerizus - alacrity.  He said he had thought the chapter on zerizus in Mesillas Yesharim is for lazy people and he is the kind of person who is active.  However, zrizus is not so much about physical laziness (though Ramchal says it's one of the things that impede zrizus) as it is about not wanting to cause discomfort to oneself. Here are some points that he made:

We are drawn to pleasure and flee from pain, with pain including such things as getting out of a warm bed.  Pain is any subtle discomfort. Zrizus is about eliminating the obstacles in your way from A to B in avodas Hashem. The kveidus, heaviness, is coming from the nefesh ha'behamis, the animal soul within us, i.e. everything that gets in the way of my manifesting my spiritual potential.

Laziness is when we gravitate to the slightest pleasure and are repulsed by any discomfort.

Zrizus is to be morally/spiritually spontaneous, to be so identified with your soul that you take immediate action when it comes to mitzva opportunities.

Create a gap between the initial stimulus and the response.  For example, wait before you eat, before you check your email, before you speak.  Delay the gratification.

In an interesting paradoz, to foster zrizus, you need to delay physical responses. 

A Chassidic vort says everything spiritual should be done b'retzifus (continually) and everything physical should be disrupted. When you sit down to learn, commit to concentrate and not interrupt. When you sit down to eat, occasionally put down your fork and think about a dvar Torah.

We are not living in a time in which tolerating discomfort is seen as a value anymore.  Hence, the greater challenge.

Musing about Bike Helmets

I read an article in which the young author wrote how her father was saved from far worse injury, when he was on his bike and hit by a car, because he was wearing a helmet.

The next day, I saw a very little kid riding his bike in front of his house as he waited for his school bus.  He was wearing a helmet.

I may be wrong on this; I haven't arrived at my final conclusion, but I think the helmet "thing" has gotten out of hand.  I'm not the first to write about numerous restrictions and safety measures that are forced upon us today when we did just fine without them years ago.  One minute, you might say.  What about head injuries? How can I recklessly say we don't need helmets?

Well, I think that we can differentiate between someone riding a bike in traffic and a kid riding his bike on the sidewalk or on a bike path with no cars around.  I haven't studied the risks, but it makes sense to me that when we were kids growing up and riding our bikes up and down the sidewalk without wearing a helmet, that was a very low risk activity.  As opposed to being a courier riding a bike in Manhattan!

Maybe what's needed to settle this to my satisfaction is a study done to show just how many people are seriously injured because they were not wearing a helmet when they rode a bike in an area that is away from cars.  I don't remember hearing of any bike related head injury accidents in my growing up years.  I'd like the number of bike-head injuries compared to how many people get serious injuries when they are in car accidents.  Maybe we should wear helmets when we enter a car.  Is it really less risky than riding a bike on the sidewalk? My guess would be that being in a car is more of a risk for serious head injury.  But maybe I'm wrong on that.

For that matter, people trip and fall and injure themselves walking down the street.  Should we wear helmets when we go outdoors? I'd like to see a risk factor comparison with various activities.

Taking this from another angle, do we think that we can take the proper safety measures that will ensure that we will be healthy and that G-d can't or won't intervene? I tend to think that if Hashem has His reasons for afflicting someone with a head injury, it will happen regardless as to whether he wears a helmet when he bikes or not. 

So I remain undecided.  I think that yes, we need to take precautions in life and that's a mitzva, but I don't know which are considered normal precautions and which are annoyances that are not justified by the low risk of injury.  And to preempt anyone who thinks - just one person seriously injured is reason enough for all to wear a helmet - with that reasoning we should all wear helmets and elbow and knee pads all the time and nobody (yet) is saying we should.

Now don't get me started on the laws about car seats for kids!

In Control Or Not?

Here is a line from an article that I read:

"We live in a society of personal control and achievement.  We are led to believe that if we flex our muscles hard enough and are diligent and persevering enough, we can control the outcome of our lives and those of our children."

Are we living in a society in which we are led to believe we are in control? I think we get mixed messages.

- We are told time and again that eating properly (the right amounts, nutritious food) and exercising are up to us and we are enjoined to take care of our health. 

the message is, we are responsible for our health and it's up to us to maintain it, in other words - it is within our control (despite the fact that we all know that illness strikes seemingly at random and kills children and young people)

- Many support the idea of bachurim having a plan for the future that includes what they will do to support a family.

the message is, we can plan for our financial future and carry out that plan (despite the fact that we know that some businesses surprisingly take off and do well while many fail and that many people who prepared for a particular career are doing something else either willingly or because they cannot find work in their fields)

- When it comes to our behavior and moods, it's our genes, it's our "chemical make-up," it's our upbringing, that make us the way we are.

the message is, we are victims
it's not our fault that we fly off the handle, that we can't sit quietly and pay attention, that we feel sad; it's a disorder, a condition, something that doctors diagnose
this is a phenomenon that has been observed in articles and entire books are devoted to our victimhood (some promoting it while others repudiate it).

So which is it - overall, do we feel in control or not?