Mind Over Heart

 

I recently completed a marathon book-reading.  I had a book out of the library that was due which I could not renew because it had a hold placed on it.  It's a book that I had out once before and did not read and could not renew and I didn't want to take it out a third time.  Instead, I started reading it and it had me engrossed for a few days.  It was a Holocaust memoir called The Seamstress.

Shortly after I finished it, I read yet another article about OCD in a frum magazine. This time, it was from the perspective of a woman with OCD.  She describes in excrutiating detail an insane day in her life.  I use insane literally.  Her behavior is that of a crazy person.

Coming right after the Holocaust book, the contrast between self-imposed, demented suffering and externally-inflicted anti-Semitic suffering was vast.  I will admit that the article elicited emotions from me that are probably not what the author and publisher had in mind.  I am sure the article was meant to evoke tremendous compassion on the sufferer, and yet, I felt outraged  that someone could bring such suffering upon themselves.

Of course that was followed by thoughts like - that's not nice, I'm not understanding that she is trapped, that she is miserable, that she deserves more compassion because she brought this upon herself, not less.  

And of course, those writing about mental health these days insist that these are illnesses just like physical illnesses and just as we do not choose to have tumors, we do not choose to suffer from mental illness.  The problem is, I am not convinced.

Coming on the heels of the Holocaust book in which the author was 44 pounds by war's end, doesn't help make me sympathetic to anorexic people either.  Self-imposed starvation with all the food around us?! But then again, I think, these are psychological problems and those enmeshed in unhealthy thinking don't think, "I will ruin my life by having these unhealthy thoughts."

And yet, the self-absorption at the root of so many of these problems is a modern-day luxury.  If the woman of the OCD article had to struggle to survive, had to use her wits to get food and remain alive, avoid beatings and various threats to her continued existence, she would not be fixated on imaginary threats to her well-being.

I came across a post online by a man who refers to his "selfish OCD" who writes:
OCD is a very selfish disorder, and I was always thinking about myself. It was all about me and my obsessions and the compulsive checking I needed to do to make myself feel better. My wife was an outgoing, caring, loving person with a great personality but my OCD was changing all that. We didn’t go out anymore because of all my obsessions, and my wife wasn’t a happy and laughing person anymore. Instead she was crying every day.
 

I was very selfish, and I was using her all the time for compulsive reassurance, trying to use her to get rid of my obsessions or to confirm that everything was fine and that I hadn’t done anything wrong or bad. I would ask her for reassurance over and over again and would push her so far as to make her put her hand on the Bible and swear that she was telling the truth. While I was seeking reassurance from her it was all about me. I didn’t care how she felt; I only wanted to get rid of the obsession. After she gave me the reassurance that I needed and everything was fine again, I would feel guilty about putting her under so much stress, but only for a short time. Soon I was doubting again and needed to ask her for reassurance again, and then it was all about me again, all about my obsessions and feelings. I didn’t care how she was feeling as long as I felt better.

 
... Even when my wife was sick it was all about my obsessive thoughts. I didn’t think about how my wife was feeling ...  The doctor told her that she had an infection in one of her glands and that she needed to have an operation. When my wife told me, I immediately started my checking methods. I had to be sure I hadn’t done something wrong that could have caused my wife to get ill. (I would do these same checking methods when I hear anyone I know is in the hospital. I need to make sure they are fine, and then I need to make sure that I am not responsible for making them ill.) Instead of worrying about how much pain my wife must have been in and how she must have felt about the operation, I was busy with my obsessive compulsive thoughts. 

Human beings possess the quality of mo'ach shalit al halev--"the mind rules the heart." Unlike animals, who act on instinct, a person is capable of achieving full control over his thoughts and moods.  This fundamental principle needs to be taught very early on in life.  It requires constant reminders and is often not easy to act upon, but knowing that this is what constitutes our humanity and that we can control our emotions is step one.  It is often said, happiness is a choice, not a condition.  Likewise, unhappiness, anger, sad feelings are a choice.  We can and must exercise hesech ha'daas - diverting our minds from the unhealthy thoughts that occur to us.  It is our choice, and bechira is what being a human being is about.