Our Evolving Headspace

Years ago, I read an interesting article called, "Replacing Secular Values with Torah Values" in which the baal teshuva author wrote about her struggle to adjust her thinking to Torah values:

"When I first came to Israel ... I was already technically religious—I kept Shabbat and kashrut and wore mostly modest clothes—but my values and beliefs were still half-and-half. It took hearing a real Torah perspective on certain issues (mostly relating to Eretz Israel and Jewish morality) to shake me up and help me see that while my behavior had begun changing to be in line with Torah, my thinking still had a ways to go. I resolved to work to change my thinking as well as my behavior, until both would be according to Torah.

"I found this second round of changes to be more challenging than the first. After all, in order to keep Shabbat, you just have to not do work. It might be difficult or frustrating, but in the end, it’s a simple physical act. Even when I felt like turning on my computer on a Saturday morning, I could just force myself not to. When I found myself thinking something that clearly came from my old perspective and was not in line with Torah values, I couldn’t force a change. I had to be patient and spend a lot of time learning and growing before those thoughts would be replaced by something better."

This got me thinking about what secular values and ideas have crept into the minds of those who have grown up with a Torah education.  In discussing this with others, we came up with a long list:

feminist ideas such as women are wasting their lives if they are only raising their children
what I do defines me and gives me value (as opposed to working solely to support oneself)
vegetarianism as a philosophy
emphasis on appearance (ex. "body sculpting," fashion)
the packaging (chitzoniyus) is all important
when anything is wrong, therapy/medication is the answer
life should be easy and comfortable
compassion for the wicked
the inherent value of secular education (not merely as a means to earn a living)
secular humanism
democracy (when no, parents and children are not equals, and yes, there is a hierarchy among Jews according to Torah)
youth worship
it's not my fault (it's my genes, my parents, my background, my brain chemistry)
happiness is the goal ("Whatever makes you happy")
romance, falling in love and living happily ever after, love conquers all
esteeming oneself
I deserve, I'm entitled
questioning the sanctity of life
questioning the blessing of having numerous children
independence as a value (we should be feeling utterly dependent on G-d)
that feelings are sacred (If I feel something, then who are you to tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way?)
"it's none of my business" "live and let live" (when applied to ignoring wrongdoing)

***
It's interesting that many of these concepts were not even prevalent in the secular world until recently, and are still not prevalent in certain parts of the world.  Today, some of these ideas can be found even within sheltered frum communities.  They sometimes appear in our frum publications and in lectures given by frum speakers.  If we can mentally step back and look around us with some measure of openness and objectivity while also reading memoirs and other material which convey the mindset of Jews of decades and centures past, it can be enlightening to see how we've changed.  It is eye-opening to see what we take as "givens" which were not "givens" in a previous generation.  It can be illuminating to examine how we think.

 

Under One Roof versus Independence

One view:

"I like the idea of my children beginning their married lives in Eretz Yisrael.  It allows them to establish themselves as a couple without hanging onto Mommy's apron strings."

Another view:

"I like the idea of my children beginning their married lives close to home.  It allows them to ease into married life with the support of family."

Is one view better than another? It probably depends on the individuals involved, the couple, the sets of parents, and how close they are.

What was done in previous years and countries? You read of couples moving in with parents when it's her parents and couples moving in with parents when it's his parents, very different scenarios! Sometimes, this was in a distant city, and without modern communication the married child was all but cut-off from his or her parents. You also read of couples growing, marrying and dying in the same town.  In the Soviet Union it was commonplace for young couples to share a small apartment with parents due to the lack of available apartments.  It's astonishing to read of numerous people living together in two room apartments and having guests too!

What they did back then does not sound contrived; it wasn't a trend of young couples doing this or that.  It was a pragmatic decision usually based on finances.  Today, along with concerns about finances, we are even more concerned about our emotional temperature and that of young couples.  How will we feel, how will they feel; our privacy, their privacy, and the all important independence.  

Different times, different concerns.

You Need a D&C (Determination and Commitment)

Surgical solutions to obesity are written about here and there in frum publications.  After one such article, someone wrote a letter to the editor expressing her surprise that the woman in the article who had lap band surgery feels guilty for taking the easy way out:

"As someone who underwent the same procedure, I think it's basically the only way out and not so easy at all ... Actually, you need major determination if you want to be successful."

She repeats the warning, "If you want to be successful, you need to be extremely determined and committed."

I seem to be missing something here.  If you need to be extremely determined and committed with the lapband surgery in order to be successful, why can't the identical determination and commitment be applied to proper eating without undergoing surgery? Can she muster that singlemindedness only upon going under the knife?

In an article about lap band surgery I read, "The most important aspect to the success of lap band surgery is its follow up care. Without suitable modifications in lifestyle, it is not possible to lose any weight through lap band surgery. It is not easy to lose excess weight; however with the right attitude and commitment, it is possible to change your life for the better."  Hmmm. Again, wouldn't modifications in lifestyle and the right attitude and commitment make all the difference without surgery?

Blessed will be the person who can devise ways of helping people gain control and learn self-restraint with the power of their mind.

When Pointing Fingers is a Good Thing

In a letter to the editor of a frum publication, a parent writes, "I have often wondered about the emphasis rebbeim place on having students keep their finger on the place.  Several years ago, my son was a third grader who had a difficult time with this practice....  He was a good student who knew the material and was not disruptive in class.  Yet somehow, keeping his finger on the place and chanting the pesukim in unison with the class was just 'not his thing.'"

I'm not going to discuss the merits of finger-pointing here.  What concerns me about the letter is that this is a third grader who doesn't do what his rebbi says to do.  The rebbi is the authority in the classroom, just as the parents are the authorities at home.  When the rebbi says to keep your finger on the place, this is not optional, to be done if a child feels like it or not! Whether or not the child knows the material is not as significant as the child obeying the authorities in his life.  If a child feels that he can decide to do his "own thing" when it comes to his third grade rebbi, what will stop him from deciding that certain mitzvos are just not his thing?

This leads me to the topic of choices.  It is very popular nowadays for parents to give choices to children as young as toddlers.  Do you want the Rice Crispies or the Corn Flakes? The red shirt or the green shirt? The idea is that if a child is able to make choices from the youngest age, this will train them to make choices when they are older, and if a child is able to make choices this will make him feel empowered and wonderful about himself.

Rabbi Aaron Dovid Gancz, a mechanech, says offering these choices to children undermines the foundation of kabbolas ol we want to instill in them.  Giving many opportunities to choose ruins the child for life, he says.  Why? Because it is not training him to be a soldier in the army of Hashem.  Because the child's feelings and preferences have been given so much importance.  A child who has been trained all his life to think, "What do I like? What do I want?" never to learns ask himself, "What does Hashem want from me." R' Gancz concludes, "Chinuch is based on mesorah from G-d Himself.  It is absolute truth and there are no choices."

Back to the third grader for whom pointing at the place is not "his thing," that's the problem right there.  Who asked him whether it's his thing or not? His rebbi said everyone should point, and everyone should point.  The parent thinks the issue is the value in finger-pointing.  The actual issue is kabbolas ol.

Me-Centered Hypersensitivity

It was refreshing to read a letter in a frum publication decrying the popular practice of castigating readers for insensitivity, for no matter what people say to the sick, mourners, childless, single, they are bound to be hurting someone's feelings.

The letter-writer (Francesca Zuckerman) recently sat shiva and she said, "Things that upset me one day, could sooth on another.  The shiva visit I found most touching, my sister found irritating.  The rav my brother felt was the highlight of the shiva for him, I was sure had overstayed his welcome."

She went on to say so eloquently:

"It seems we have traded our Jewish value of being sensitive to the feelings of others, for a Western, politically correct, me-centered hypersensitivity.  How often do we hear people crying 'insensitive' to something that really could be totally pareve, or treating an everyday event like a nisayon? ... We have become experts at tending to our own wounds, but unaware of those of others."

Then her wise conclusion:

"I am not advocating ignoring another person's tzaar.  Yes, when meeting an avel (or anyone suffering), we should try not to say something hurtful.  But at the same time, a person in pain has to realize that no one knows what is in his heart, and his pain stems from his nisayon, not from the people around him who cannot guess what he feels."

When people say and ask foolish things, let's regard the remarks as just that - foolish.  The intentions are almost never malevolent.  Don't we all have memories of words that slipped out that we soon regretted? Let us not allow those who made a mistake or those clueless people out there to ruin our day.

Fallible Experts

I keep on bumping into articles and true stories in books about experts who made pronouncements and were proven wrong.  Examples include those who said a four minute mile is impossible (as I posted recently), doctors who said a baby has no chance of survival (she went on to marry and have children), and doctors who said an autistic child would never talk and he went on to become a professor.

Experts share their expertise on politics, the economy, world events and the weather and are not infallible.

What is their track record? Are they way more right than wrong? I don't know.  I know that we revere experts and take their word for whatever is their topic.  Or we take their word when it coincides with our beliefs.

Perhaps G-d makes them wrong some of the time in order to give us a chance to bring Him into the picture.  If experts were right 100% of the time, it would make it almost impossible to have hope, to believe in a different outcome.  Being wrong some of the time ought to make the experts humble.  At least, it should reinforce our belief that G-d is in control.

What Moves You May Not Move Me

Back in April, I wrote: here about people who are moved by different things, and what appeals to one in his mitzva observance or in not violating a prohibition, may not speak to someone else. 

I was reminded of this today as I was reading about a former Mirrer talmid who said there were countless times that he was tempted to enter a business deal that wasn't perfectly honest, but then he thought, "How can I do this? Rav Nosson Tzvi [the rosh yeshiva] respects me!"

It's like when Yosef Ha'Tzaddik was on the verge of sinning and he saw the image of his father Yaakov which prevented him from sinning.  In both cases, the motivation was not the prohibition involved, that G-d said, "do not commit adultery," "do not steal," but an image of someone respected whom they could not let down.

Our minds work in interesting ways, don't they?

No Inevitability

The Gemara says that we read the curses in Parshas Ki Savo before Rosh Hashana so that, “tichleh shana v’kililoseha” (may the year and its curses end).  Rabbi Breitowitz points out an astonishing concept:

It seems to us that the reason things are a certain way today, is because that is how they were yesterday and the day before and things don’t tend to change.  We are in a routine and our life is set up a certain way. We need to know that even if that is true as a rule, there is no connection between the last day in Elul and the first day of Tishrei. Whatever the decree is for the last day of Elul was decreed last Rosh Hashana, and whatever happens in Tishrei is rooted in the new year’s decrees! However, if things remain the same maybe it’s because we didn’t change.

The idea of there being a fundamental disconnection between the old year and new year can be reassuring or frightening, depending on how last year went. If it was a bad year, you can come to Rosh Hashana with thoughts of a fresh start, that if things were bad last year that doesn’t mean it will be that way this year. It gives us hope. But if things went well last year, on Rosh Hashana you can think – this may not continue!

To take Rosh Hashana seriously means that you realize a change and new decrees are taking place based on new considerations and this point is driven home by Chazal with “tichleh shana …” There is no inevitability of the curses of the previous year.  May we be inspired to make it a good new year.

Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel z'l

This is a follow-up post to this post in which I said I looked forward to reading the books about R' Nosson Tzvi Finkel z'l.  I have a few pages left to the Artscroll book and my recommendation is: read it! I enjoyed it very much.  His accomplishments were astounding, from becoming the huge talmid chacham, masmid, and marbitz Torah that he was when he was coming from an all-American life in the mid-West where he wasn't an astonishing ilui, to his absolute love for Torah and his desire to promote it anywhere, his genuine love for people, and all with a normalcy that endeared him to thousands and to this reader.

Even if it's not Relevant

What does this parsha, these pesukim, this sefer mean to me? What is its relevance to our lives nowadays? These are questions that teachers today need to focus on because otherwise, students will be turned off.  If it is not "meaningful" to them and their lives, why should they learn it?

Something is sorely lacking in this attitude and that something is an appreciation for the chashivus of Torah.  Of course there are lessons to be derived in every generation and every culture from our Torah, "hafoch ba v'hafoch ba, d'kula ba" - turn it and turn it, for the Torah contains everything, and we should seek them out.  However, this should not be at the expense of Torah for Torah's sake.

I've discussed this point many times over the past fifteen years or so as the importance of relevance in chinuch has gotten greater.  Today, I read a thought on this week's parsha from R' Yisrael Salanter that is ... relevant. 

The Gemara says that the ben sorer u'moreh case never happened and we have its laws in order to gain reward for studying it.  He says, the Torah is plenty big! Do we need these pesukim in Chumash and the discussion in the Gemara to gain reward?!

Rather, the lesson here is that there is value in learning something that has no practical application! It's the word of Hashem and that's enough.

A Different Way of Looking at it

R' Fischel Schachter tells a story about a man from London who had a heart attack in America and did not have travel insurance.  He had to pay $10,000 out of his own pocket.

He frustratedly asked his rav, why?! Why did this happen on my first trip out of the country? I never had a heart condition before!

The rav asked, how much would it have cost you in England for those ten days in the hospital? He said $2 a day!

The rav said, obviously, you were meant to spend that amount on medical expenses. Do you know how long you would have had to stay in the hospital in England for that?

We don't know what Hashem's cheshbonos are.

We need to trust and believe that it's all good.

Bi-Polar Judaism

Elul is an incredible gift. 

Elul is a time when even the fish in the sea tremble.

Elul is a time of Divine grace, when the 13 Middos of Mercy prevail.

Elul is when we prepare for our upcoming court case in which our lives hang in the balance.

Elul is a time of Divine love, joy, and closeness, when "I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me."

Elul's shofar is like the bell that signals the end of recess.  Time to buckle down and do teshuva.

Hashem is our loving father.

Hashem is the judge who examines every thought, word and deed we did.

****
If a capital case is going to be tried, the defendant doesn't feel like it's a gift and a joyous time.  Love and closeness don't go together with intense scrutiny.

Will the real Elul please stand up?

Bechira, not Victimhood

I read chunks of a fascinating though creepy book in which the author describes in detail what it was like growing up with drug addicts for parents.  I didn't read the entire book because some of the descriptions of street life and the underworld were too seamy for my sensibilities.  However, it is quite remarkable that with such a turbulent, unstable, poverty-stricken upbringing, the author and her sister have made fine lives for themselves.  The following quotes are taken from interviews that were held with the author:

I grew up with a family surrounding me and a home full of love.  It just so happened that my parents were addicted to cocaine and heroin and my mother was an alcoholic.
I realized my life is a blank slate.  I had the freedom to declare - what do I want my life to be about?
It occurred to me that the answer is education.  I felt invigorated by going back to school.
Nobody knows what's possible until they do it.
Every single day is another chance.
I learned to say - it's unlikely but it's possible, and put all my efforts into possibilities rather than limitations.
I felt deeply loved by my parents.  I don't hold anger towards them.  I saw them as sick.  People can't give you what they don't have. 
I knew I had to be independent.  It was up to me to figure out my life.  I felt no one owes me anything.  I'll have to figure stuff out on my own. I'll have to create what I want in this world.  I was responsible for my life.  No one was going to pave the path for me.  It was normal for me, something I understood instinctually, not a realization that I had.
I was homeless at the same age that my mother was homeless and I wanted to break the cycle of poverty I had come from.  So choice by choice, day by day, I went to school.  Part was choice and part was having the help, the support.
After my mother died, and we loved each other deeply, her dying unlocked my mind to possibility in my own life.  At one moment I had a family, I had my mother and then I lost everything.  Life changed rapidly, for the worse.  I saw that life can change and I was inspired by this. 

What transforms a life? One empowered choice after the next, over time.
I had a passion that I felt of - what if I just kept going?

You either move on or you don't and I decided to move on.

Let go of being stuck in the energy of all the things you don't have, and be grateful for the things you do have and calling that enough, and moving forward from there.

In the frum world we have children, teenagers, young adults and even older adults who need to hear messages like these.  Even if their circumstances were not quite like those of this author, the message of bechira rather than victimhood is powerful.  The downside is that this author doesn't speak about G-d; it's all about her choices.

It would be enormously helpful if we had the frum version of this woman's story, the story of a contemporary frum boy or girl who overcame adversity to become solid people with firm Torah values.

No matter what your history is, no matter where you've come from, every moment is a new possibility.

An Elul message indeed.

More on Gratitude

I just got a phone call from a friend who was calling to thank me for sharing the "two a day" gratitude entries idea earlier this week.  It has been "life changing," was how they put it.  I wrote about it back in January here. 

I've kept going too.  I'm in the 500's by now!

Some people write it down.  Others go around the Shabbos table and say it.  As R' Lazer Brody writes in his "Garden of Gratitude," the root of our problems is lack of gratitude, as we see with the Meraglim and how they engendered a "crying for nothing" to which Hashem said, "I will give you something to cry about."  We are far better off feeling and expressing gratitude, for then Hashem gives us more for which to be grateful.

If you know you will be writing down two things, it makes you look for them (if they aren't obvious).  You also get more creative when you don't want to repeat what you've written before.  Of course you are not only grateful one time for feeling well or for beautiful weather, but rather than repeat entries, I look for something new each time.  Now I need to make time to review my entries, to remind me of the wonderful things in my life and to thank Hashem for them.

The Evolution of Kosher Cookbooks

A small sampling of cookbooks for the frum cook:

1977, revised throughout the 70's into the 80's, 3-4 recipes per page, close to 200 pages, no photos of recipes

1985, 2-3 recipes per page, 260 pages, no photos of recipes

1990 2-3 recipes per page, nearly 500 pages, no photos of recipes

1995 1 recipe per page, lots of explanations, 400 pages, no photos

1999 Usually 3-4 recipes per page, nearly 300 pages, a small section of color photographs of a few recipes in the book

2003 1 recipe per page, close to 300 pages, many pages taken up by color photos and words from the author

2007 mostly 1 recipe per page, 300 pages, many pages taken up by color photos and lots of talk from the author

2009 1 recipe per page, many pages taken up by color photos, 200 pages

end of 2011 - 1 recipe per page, many pages taken up by color photos, 350 pages, many of which are not recipes

Summary: Years ago, we usually got more recipes per cookbook and no photos.

Commentary: Are there other parts of frum life that are similar to the evolution of cookbooks - less substance and more frills than in years gone by? In certain areas, yes.  Though romanticizing frum life in previous decades does not give us an accurate picture either.